somewhere in between //

I slid down the door frame and sat on the floor. Head leaned back. My heart was racing. I could feel the heat rising to my head. My head felt heavy. Dizzy. I am so stupid. I am so stupid. "How could I be so stupid? I just don't understand" I said out loud.

I looked up and saw his face. "Tell me. How could I be so stupid??" I demanded. I demanded to hear an answer. An answer that made me feel better. Not even better, just an answer to help me understand what the heck was going on. And all I got from him was a head shake and the words "It was a mistake..."

I looked at the floor. Hardwood. Dirt. It was cold. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. What am I doing here? Just get up. Get up Meg. Leave. Leave him here. Just walk away. It was so easy for you to walk away the times before. Just leave. GO.

But my butt stayed cemented to the floor. That cold and dirty floor. 

I brought my eyes up and saw some worn cowboy boots across the room. I thought about the way they looked on him. The way I always admired how hard he worked. Reminded me of my daddy. 

But then I looked up and I saw him. And I saw hurt. I saw heartbreak. 

And for the next month and some days, it was pure confusion every time I looked at him.

But..

Somewhere in between sitting on that cold floor and now, sitting on my cozy bed- I realized it. 

I figured it out.

It's not what I thought. 

It's completely different.

You see, I am in such a special season of life right now. A season that I always dreaded. A season that I hoped I would never have to go through.

A season of singleness. 

A season of constant "so are you dating anyone" questions. Or of being fond of someone but it's just not there for you.

A season of letting it wide open and embracing the heart of this particular season.

A season of reflecting. 

So, here I am. 

Embracing the heart of this. 

Yearning and pressing into God more and more daily because the truth is, in this season of singleness, He is molding me. Not only is He doing that, He is doing so much more. This is an intimate season between God and myself. A season that when I get married one day, I won't have this special alone season ever again. 

Many people don't have the courage to wait during this. And to embrace it. Don't get me wrong, the quiet is deafening at times. The loneliness can overwhelm. But ultimately, I embrace it. 

Let me become a woman of God.

Let me become the wife God has planned for me to be.
Let me fall even more in love with our maker than I already am.

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem,

    by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:

Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,

    until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. -Song of Solomon 3:5 (MSG)

I just find it so encouraging when I think about the fact that our experiences and relationships have helped shape us. They've helped make us who we are. We've either let them add to us, or completely shut us down...To disregard love and relationships and just have meaningless relations that are temporary fixes.

I just want to encourage you if you need it. If you're in this same season as I am, GOOD! You're not alone. Embrace this season. You can either realize how special this season is, or you can make it as terrible as possible. 

Remember, God is for you. He is with you. He will never forsake you.

He is all we truly need in this life. 

If you're one that's been hurt. Ghosted a few times, walked on, cheated on, disrespected, told you're "the marrying type" not the dating type (*insert eye roll*)....then GOOD.

Don't let the hurt that someone else caused, because they were hurting, be the end of it for you. Don't let them be the reason you completely turn away from love and from good people.

This season is a gift.

Keep your eyes and your heart on God.

And when the time is right, HE will make it happen.

 "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time."

 - Ecclesiastes 3:11