puzzle

I sat there on the front steps. Tears streaming down my cheeks and falling onto my black leather skirt. The night air was perfect and it was quiet. I clutched my phone in my hand and instantly the words echoed in my mind. 

It doesn't bother me if I don't hear from her all day.

I don't get overly excited when her name pops up on my phone.

Why does Megan have to be so nice

My heart literally ached.

But not with sadness...with hurt.

It was hurt. The kind of hurt where everything has stopped, how could I be so dumb, I thought I could trust, I care about these people and they don't give a shit about me kind of hurt.

Honestly, never in my life have I felt so stupid. So tricked.

My phone vibrated and I looked down. Kasey. Thank God. He knew I needed her right now. She's always been my best friend. Never judging me, always there for me even when I repeatedly did things she advised not to. I ignored the text and called her. Tears flowed. I sobbed. I just wanted to go home. Home to my baby. Home to where I know the people there are for me.

For the last month I have probably had more anxiety than I have had in a long time. You see, if you're a reader of the blog, you know that I have found such a peace with myself. With my testimony. With this path that God has me walking down. I met someone and it just flowed. And I could probably tell you the exact day things changed. Probably around the time I was called sand..and that you don't take sand to the beach. Ouch. Funny thing is, I am the beach. But yet, I continued to stay apart of this. It's fine. It's all fine. 

You see, my heart has this way of always constantly finding the good in people. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, even after I've been wronged. It's a very good quality, but also gets me into a lot of hurt. 

That final night with him was weird. I remember it vividly. I should have gone home. The words were exchanged, the anger was let out, but I don't remember crying. I just remember thinking how stupid I was for thinking anything was real. For thinking I could trust someone again. For actually letting a few walls down. I was cold. I was tired. I just wanted to press rewind and go back to October when things were what I thought good.

For the last week I have sat down time and time again to write and the words come out but they just aren't what I'm wanting to say. They aren't healing words. They came across with hurt and anger, and that's just not my heart. Not my intentions whatsoever. 

My readers, as you are reading this blog, please always keep in mind that not everyone around you is for you. Not everyone is someone you can trust. Not everyone has your best interest in mind. You deserve the goodness. You deserve someone who speaks good of you behind your back. Someone who gets excited when your name pops up on their phone. Someone who doesn't take your kindness, your good heart, and your niceness for granted. I deserve this too.

I'm not mad. I'm not angry. Sometimes I feel a tad of sadness when I see something that I want to send because I know the laughs that would be had over it. But I resist. If my name popping up on a phone is more of a "ugghhh" than it is a happy reaction, my name won't be popping up.

But what sucks most of all, is that now I am so afraid that when someone genuine does come along, that I won't be open to them. That I won't be brave enough to let walls down or to feel safe enough to trust. 

Because I felt safe with you. 

But you weren't there yet or I just wasn't it...and that is okay...but what isn't okay is the fact that you kept me around. You included me. You still had conversations with me that I thought were special. THAT is what's not okay. I hope the hurt that you still go round and round with from the past, you let God heal soon. And I hope that you find peace with yourself. I know the moment will come. That moment when something happens or you see something that instantly triggers your mind to me. I'm curious to know what emotions will run through you. But I'm not angry. I'm letting the hurt go. I think your heart is good...I know it is. I just hope that the next time, if there is a next time, that a good damn woman comes into your life, that you do everything you can to keep her...but only if you're ready, if not then let her go.

Forgiveness is one hell of a thing. 

So my friends, I am not only telling you this but I am also telling myself... if you're hurting, run to God. He is the only one who can fully heal you. He is the only one that can bring the comfort and feeling of belonging that we all yearn for. Take your time. Life is not a race. Let him fill every void and hole you are feeling until you are whole again. 

AND When you find yourself like me, sitting on those front steps with tears streaming as you sob because what and who you've come to care about aren't exactly what they were portrayed to be in your life..cry all you need to and then realize that a closed door is just another puzzle piece put into place by God. 

"Slow down, take time

Breathe in He said

He'd reveal what's to come

The thoughts in His mind

Always higher than mine

He'll reveal all to come

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He's in the waiting

He's in the waiting

And hold onto your hope

Watch your triumph unfold

He's never failing"

-Bethel, "Take Courage"

Past

So here it is. 

Life is full of what ifs and fear. 

Being scared. 

Scared of your fear.

Scared of hurt.

Scared of something good. 

Scared of something you know you want.

Why though? Because people were careless with our hearts before? We shut it down. Build those walls. And find ways to keep our minds off of the truth and the reality. The truth that we know in our heart, is good. But sometimes that's too much for people. The thought of falling and falling hard scares the hell out them. I'm not saying that that isn't okay. It's normal when the track record isn't great. Of course it's okay to be scared. But at some point or another you've got to realize that you're never going to find that someone. You're never going to be fully happy. You're always going to walk around with that what if and that regret of letting everything you've wanted, go. Spending the nights drinking and numbing every emotion and feeling. That way you don't have to face it. Looking for the next hook up. Doing anything and everything you can to stop the feeling. Finding things to keep your mind preoccupied from what your heart really is saying. 

This is why the cycle continues. 

I think that it's time we grow up, realize that crap happens in this life. Yes, it hurts. But seriously..look at how much stronger it made you. Look at how it made it clear what you want and what you don't want. We've got to stop using the past as an excuse for why relationships aren't lasting. It's time we start making conscious decisions to not let the past ruin our present and our future. Because in reality, when this is what's happening, we're just using the people we claim to connect with and tearing their hearts down little by little. Then when parting ways happens with silence, both are just so confused. They had the good, they saw the good, they wanted the good. But too hurt to trust again. Leading on just seems easier to some. 

So what happens? What happens when you reach this limbo? You want it but you don't because everything has changed but it's still the same and everything is just so uncertain? You're certain of what you want. You thought you were certain about the other side..until they showed maybe not. 

Listen, this crap is so hard y'all. Dating sucks. Relationships are work. Not many people want to work at something these days when literally at any given moment the other person can just be done. Just done. And then there you are just hanging. 

And the saddest part.....

the ones who do mean well and have nothing but the best intentions to love and care for someone's heart, they get closed out. And it hurts. It hurts like hell. 

I read something earlier that really hit me. It was talking about healthy love and toxic love. And it hit me.. 

one of the hardest and most important things you can learn, is that healthy love does not hurt...it heals. 

Time is ticking and we aren't gaining any time either. I really think it's so important to make sure those that you care about know how you feel about them. Stop talking about settling down and bouncing from person to person searching.. when you literally have one of the best things in front of you. Trust me, you want to before it's too late. Regret is one hell of thing to walk with throughout this life. 

I think a lot of us need to hear this. Especially myself. 

My friends, it's okay to hurt. It's okay to feel. It's okay to heal. And I promise you with all of my heart, it's okay to trust a good one. 

We should start thanking our past for screwing up and leading us to better.

E a s y

What is it in today's world that just doesn't quite add up when it comes to dating? Why has this culture taken it and turned it into something that it's not? What happened to genuine real connections and working for something? You "talk" for three weeks and then it just stops when one side ghosts and then that's it. Never another word. 

I am just so sick of this culture and how loosely they throw around love, relationships, and feelings. 

Y'all already know my stance on this. So I won't go there. 

BUT, when one of those culture followers decides to do that to a good one, well let's be thankful for that..because that good one finds y o u.

Let's talk about when that realness does come along. You're just living your life and finally loving yourself again and then here's the knock on your door. Everything halts...then slowly starts turning again. And you entertain the idea. But that's as far as you will go with it. Until entertaining turns into enjoying and then enjoying turns into connecting and connecting turns into wanting to see this person...more. WHAT. And you just keep going and it's like you don't even want to stop or check up. Because for the first time ever, this person isn't trying to change you. They enjoy the flaws that you've been insecure about because of some narcissistic individual who you were never good enough for...even at your best, would pick apart daily. They aren't constantly throwing up red flags and then gas lighting you. Because why?

Because they've been hurt too. And this is where the story begins.

As Maren Morris says 

You didn't save me

You didn't think I needed saving

You didn't change me

You didn't think I needed changing

My wings are frayed and what's left of my halo's black

Lucky for me, your kind of heaven's been to Hell and back

And that's when you realize that not everyone has the intentions that your past had. But will it last? Only God knows that. But, what I can tell you is that it won't deter me or slow me down. I wont stop living and loving because I am fearful of being hurt again. When someone just gets you that's a unique thing, How nice it is to have someone that understands certain pains of life. Understands certain things that not everyone could understand. With just one look, the waves are calmed and there's a peace that flows across every inch of your body.

Such a breath of fresh air. 

If there's anything I've learned in the last two years, it's to just keep going. Keep loving. Keep putting yourself out there...because one day, just one day, someone is going to come along and make your head spin and leave the stupidest smile on your face. And it will be easy and light. It will be something and someone that has depth. And it won't have to be so serious all the time 24/7. They will slowly break down walls. One at a time, Slowly but firmly. When this person does come along, just be yourself and breathe. Don't overthink (queen of overthinking RIGHT HERE), be honest with yourself and this person, and just enjoy it. Love should be fun. Hard times will come but once you get past the hard times, you both are stronger together. 

For too long I tried so hard to make something that was doomed, work. And it just wouldn't work. My heart was miserable and hurting because I was pushing it to do something that it KNEW WAS WRONG. Let the past teach you what you need to know for the present and the future. Let it show you what you DON'T WANT.

So thank you, my past, for showing me. For showing me who I am, what I want, helping me to see my worth..that you were not worth. And treating me horribly. Because it made me stronger. I woke up and hated how I felt. I hated the motions every damn day. I wanted to cry, scream, and curse all at the same time. I didn't know that happiness could feel so light. I didn't know that it could be easy...that it didn't have to be so hard every day. Thank you for letting me be free. Thank you for letting me go before I even realized you had. Thank you for making me afraid to voice my feelings and hurt because I was always shut down and blamed for it. You helped me to learn to be brave and intentional with my words and my emotions..making it easier for when love did come along. To be able to communicate without fear of being made to feel stupid. 

So, here's my heart. Repaired, full of love, and a few scars. But worth it all. 

somewhere in between //

I slid down the door frame and sat on the floor. Head leaned back. My heart was racing. I could feel the heat rising to my head. My head felt heavy. Dizzy. I am so stupid. I am so stupid. "How could I be so stupid? I just don't understand" I said out loud.

I looked up and saw his face. "Tell me. How could I be so stupid??" I demanded. I demanded to hear an answer. An answer that made me feel better. Not even better, just an answer to help me understand what the heck was going on. And all I got from him was a head shake and the words "It was a mistake..."

I looked at the floor. Hardwood. Dirt. It was cold. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. What am I doing here? Just get up. Get up Meg. Leave. Leave him here. Just walk away. It was so easy for you to walk away the times before. Just leave. GO.

But my butt stayed cemented to the floor. That cold and dirty floor. 

I brought my eyes up and saw some worn cowboy boots across the room. I thought about the way they looked on him. The way I always admired how hard he worked. Reminded me of my daddy. 

But then I looked up and I saw him. And I saw hurt. I saw heartbreak. 

And for the next month and some days, it was pure confusion every time I looked at him.

But..

Somewhere in between sitting on that cold floor and now, sitting on my cozy bed- I realized it. 

I figured it out.

It's not what I thought. 

It's completely different.

You see, I am in such a special season of life right now. A season that I always dreaded. A season that I hoped I would never have to go through.

A season of singleness. 

A season of constant "so are you dating anyone" questions. Or of being fond of someone but it's just not there for you.

A season of letting it wide open and embracing the heart of this particular season.

A season of reflecting. 

So, here I am. 

Embracing the heart of this. 

Yearning and pressing into God more and more daily because the truth is, in this season of singleness, He is molding me. Not only is He doing that, He is doing so much more. This is an intimate season between God and myself. A season that when I get married one day, I won't have this special alone season ever again. 

Many people don't have the courage to wait during this. And to embrace it. Don't get me wrong, the quiet is deafening at times. The loneliness can overwhelm. But ultimately, I embrace it. 

Let me become a woman of God.

Let me become the wife God has planned for me to be.
Let me fall even more in love with our maker than I already am.

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem,

    by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:

Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,

    until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. -Song of Solomon 3:5 (MSG)

I just find it so encouraging when I think about the fact that our experiences and relationships have helped shape us. They've helped make us who we are. We've either let them add to us, or completely shut us down...To disregard love and relationships and just have meaningless relations that are temporary fixes.

I just want to encourage you if you need it. If you're in this same season as I am, GOOD! You're not alone. Embrace this season. You can either realize how special this season is, or you can make it as terrible as possible. 

Remember, God is for you. He is with you. He will never forsake you.

He is all we truly need in this life. 

If you're one that's been hurt. Ghosted a few times, walked on, cheated on, disrespected, told you're "the marrying type" not the dating type (*insert eye roll*)....then GOOD.

Don't let the hurt that someone else caused, because they were hurting, be the end of it for you. Don't let them be the reason you completely turn away from love and from good people.

This season is a gift.

Keep your eyes and your heart on God.

And when the time is right, HE will make it happen.

 "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time."

 - Ecclesiastes 3:11

to my future//

Dear future husband, 

Here I am, once again, curled up and comfy on the bed needing to talk. To get every detail out and off of my chest. To share what's going on in my mind and in my heart. To cry some tears because of the hurt I am feeling. To be reassured that I am worthy because God says I am. 

You see, the last couple of years have been a little tough. I'm sure, eventually, you will read this blog in its entirety, and you'll understand a little bit better. I've found myself in a few situations. A little blinded, a bit dumb, a bit stubborn, and confused. I've stayed when I should have ran, and I've ran when I should have stayed. I've spent countless nights praying for God to just hug me. To give me the slightest glimmer of hope and pull me through the night. I've prayed for Him to shut doors that didn't need to be opened. And that, He did. He's opened the doors that needed to be opened. 

Everything that He's taken, He's always replaced with something better fitting. 

I'm not sure if I'm just a hard person to love or if people just don't know how to love a heart like mine. In the last two experiences, they just haven't been able to care for my heart like God intends for the man to. And it's left me so sad but so hopeful in a way.

But it just hurts. It hurts when someone you've known for so long and wanted nothing more than to care for them, shuts you out. Disappears on you. Leaves you there, just standing..wondering what in the world just happened. And you replay conversations and memories and text messages and you just can't pinpoint it. You pick up the pieces of the hurt caused and you start to believe that it's you.  

I hope you've never done this to someone. Or had it done to you. I hope you're a man of courage and integrity. A man who is honest and sincere. A man who will never manipulate others or deceive others because you aren't sure of your feelings or you aren't sure how to handle fear. It hurts a lot. Relationships, friendships, etc...it hurts in those areas. 

I hope you're a patient man. A man who won't get frustrated with me when I'm just not in the best mood. Or a man that will never ever be with another woman behind my back. I hope you're a man that will tell me when something is wrong or bothering you. I pray you're a man that loves God more than you love me. I pray that you're a man who will lead me closer to The Lord. One who will be a beautiful reminder of God's faithfulness and His love. A man that puts others before himself.

I hope you never let me fall asleep letting me feel unwanted. No matter how mad you are at me.  And I will never ever let you fall asleep feeling unwanted..no matter how mad I am at you. 

I also hope you can handle my sharpie addiction, And my addiction to leggings and tennis shoes. 

I hope that you never put me down or make me feel less than. 

I don't know who you are, or where you're at. I don't know if I already know you. In either case, it's clear that God is just working away and arranging our roads to intersect finally, or again. 

But, what I do know, is that I've waited for what seems like forever for you. And I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. I am messy and emotional, and weird, and loud, and I talk too much, and I cry weekly...but I have a heart that will love you forever. A heart that just patiently waits for the day it meets yours. So my soul can finally say it's been waiting and it's found you. A heart that feels so much that it sometimes feels like it's breaking. 

Continuing to press into God is what keeps me going. Because trust me, I'd love to quit right now. I'd love to throw my hands up and give up. Be bitter and jaded. But I refuse to do that. So, pressing into God is what I will continue to do. He will keep molding me into the woman and wife He plans for me to be. Preparing me.

Life is messy and unpredictable. It's hard. It's not fair. But, it is also good. God is good and He is faithful. I know this sadness I feel right now will eventually become a memory that is stored in my heart. And when I hear a certain song, I know I will feel the sting of this particular sadness again. But I'll smile when I think about the fact that life is constantly changing and doors are closing because God is working. He is leading me to you and you to me. So tonight, when I lay down and close my eyes, I might let a few tears fall, but in my heart I know that 

Right now, our hearts are being prepared.  

All this time//

Earlier today i posted a haunting status on Facebook. Now, im not usually posting statuses but when I get the urge, one is posted. Like this:

"In life we all go through things. And sometimes, in the midst of those things we ignore those who care for us because we are so focused on our circumstances around us. If I could turn back the clock and do it differently- I would. In a heartbeat. But that's not possible. It's possible to make the past the  past and build a beautiful now and future. Sometimes when we finally come to our senses and finally get out of the tunnel we were in- we see things. The people who were standing there with us the whole time. And usually it's not too late. But sometimes when we realize things- it may be a bit too late..and the sinking feeling is a feeling that leaves you breathless and hollow."

This past week has been an interesting one. Very interesting. I can't decide or figure out what in the heck is going on. So, naturally, I have overthought it and overthought it some more and more...and well, some more. You know how us females are.

It's just so out of character.

The silence is deafening. 

The silence is so loud that it's impossible to have a clear thought. 

Today as I was clearing out my iPad, I came across some things. They made me smile, they made me cry, and they made me angry at myself. They made my heart sad.

You see, for several years I wanted something so badly. But it just wouldn't couldn't happen. At some point, I gave up on the surface. Deep in my heart I still wanted this, but I knew it wasnt the time. Years go by. Still the same. And then out of nowhere, it was right there infront of me. Asking me to give everything I had wanted to give years before. But, I couldn't. My heart was in no shape to say yes. It was in no shape to be given. So I did what I needed to do in order to let God work in my heart and to heal me. And that, He did. And I just happened to be so lucky enough that I was forgiven and a new beginning was happening.

I got the job I only dreamt of having.

I moved back to Alabama. 

I was back in my church. 

And there, there was everything my heart had kept inside for so many years. Just like that, it was exploding and jumping for joy and smiling all at the same time. 

It was able to take a big sigh of relief and say "finally"....it was home. 

But now,

now,

it is sinking. It is thinking. It is wondering. 

Most of all, it is sorry.

I am sorry. 

I am sorry for all of the text messages that went unanswered. I am sorry for wanting something so badly and then saying no.....Only because there would be one more person hurting if I would have said yes. I am sorry for the silence I gave you. 

But what I'm not sorry for is for the fact that I gave silence and said no to protect you. To protect you from the hurt my heart would have caused you. I'm not sorry for the bajillion prayers I've prayed for you and for you and I. I'm not sorry for always being a little shy around you. I'm not sorry for being a drama queen and hitting the floor every time my foot is stepped on. I'm not sorry for looking up at you with a genuine smile so deep my heart was smiling with my face everytime you came around me. I'm not sorry for letting myself heal and for realizing that all this time, it's been you. I'm not sorry. And I'm especially not sorry for writing this. And I'm definitely not sorry for baring my heart to you. 

overreacting and overthinkning? timing? payback? fear of this?

I don't know. 

But what I do know is that, I'm here. I'm not leaving and I won't give up until told to. 

I'd drink my La Croix water and wear my little Nikes anywhere this life took us.

so, if you're reading this, there you have it. I am sorry for so many things and I'm also not sorry.

love always, 

MC

untitled //

What is it about letting something go that makes it seem so impossible?

Is it that the picture we've painted is so much better than the reality and we are just holding on for dear life to the picture we had? Even though the reality is just crumbling if not already crumbled to pieces.

what is it?

I know for me, something I have realized recently is that I am so afraid of being painted as a bad person. That because I am trying to let go and fully move on and just block this from my mind, that I am not a good person. I'm not a good person because I don't continue what I've had a large part in continuing, long after it was done in the first place. It's so sad.

It's so sad that I've second guessed every single decision I have made in the last few days. And I go back to undo what I did because I feel like I am terrible for trying to move on. But let me tell you, you are NOT a bad person for trying to move on. You are NOT a bad person for removing yourself from something that is toxic to both parties.

You guys, if there is anything I have learned in this past season, it's that when God asks you to let go, it's best you just let go. You just let that door close. Because if not, it will get to the point of shattering. It will get to the point where resentment rises. We don't want that. We are called to love, not to resent.

I think I just care so much about people that it's not good. When I see someone I care for, hurting, i want to help make it better. Even if they haven't said they are hurting. When you've been lost, broken, or confused yourself, you can always always always see the ones who are lost, broken, or confused. And I want to encourage. But sometimes, that kindness gets taken advantage of. At first it's not really noticeable, but then, then it just keeps going on and on and on. 

when does it stop?

It stops when you make it stop. It stops when you stop allowing yourself to be half of the problem. It stops when you decide that you can't take it anymore. It stops when you make the decision to walk away. 

When the rug is pulled out from underneath you and everything is all out of sorts, and you're just not sure what is happening or what God is doing...just breathe. Remember that our Lord is Sovereign. That He isn't going to cause pain without purpose. That anytime He is removing and closing doors, it's because there is something He has in mind that is better for you and the plan He has for your life.

I'm totally speaking to myself when I say this and to anyone out there who needs it: stop holding onto what you wanted it to be. Stop holding onto the life you planned. because God will wreck your plans so quick when He sees that they are about to wreck you!!! 

I'm not here to point fingers, you're not here to point fingers- we are here to accept what is, to learn from it, and to move on. To take what we've learned and to apply it. 

Is it still going to hurt? Yes. Some days it will hurt like hell.

Not sugar coating at all. You will have to make the conscious decision and effort to get up and get going.

But it gets better. 

And life gets a little lighter as each day passes.

And your smile slowly turns from fake to real.

Be confident in where your strength comes from. Know that God is not going to fail you. 

End of story. 

Just know that people come into our lives for a reason. And not everyone is meant to stay. Some are just passing through. And some pass through and then wind up finding their way back into our lives. And sometimes not. But either way, let's let the resentment go. Let the hurt and anger go. Let it all go... holding onto those things is only delaying you. 

There are moments in my days sometimes where I just beat myself up. How stupid could I really be? To not see that I wasn't wanted where I was wanting to be. And why I was wanting to be there when I was unwanted, I'll never understand. But it made me get to the point where I didn't want myself. And that is so dangerous & heartbreaking. But I've realized that some people just can't handle my heart. Period. Not everyone may know how to care and how to love a heart like mine. And that's okay..it doesn't make that person bad or not good enough. They just aren't capable of it.

It hurts to let it go, but at the same time it will be so rewarding. Loving yourself, wanting yourself, knowing your worth. You will be radiant. And everyone will see it. 

So step into the new chapter that is waiting on you.

But whatever you do, 

don't let the ones who couldn't love you, stop you from loving again.