It's like diabetes...you can't see it, but it's there.

So it's time that I get down and dirty. I know I have hit on this some but I've never really gone in depth. I know y'all are clueless right now as to what I am talking about...soooo..here goes nothing.


June 2013 I was "diagnosed" with depression. At first I thought it was just the crappy people I was hanging around, but once I finally had the courage to go to my doctor and actually talk about things, that was when I realized that depression is real. I battle with it each and every day. 

My parents weren't too thrilled when I came home from the doctor and told them. Then when they found out I was being put on medication for it, well that made it even worse to them. They didn't want a "zombie" of a daughter. I'm sure they had thoughts as to why their daughter has to have depression. I mean, I come from a loving home with parents who are active in my life. Always in church. Always exercising and smiling. Just didn't seem "normal".

That was what seemed like the hardest time in my life. I felt like God had abandoned me. That He forgot about me. It was a low low point. But as time has gone by I have learned how to deal with it. So a year and some months later here I am. It hasn't gotten any easier, it's been a learning process for sure. My parents, they seem to understand it. No longer ask me questions repeatedly when I don't answer in the most peppy tone, etc. They understand now. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Sometimes I feel like I am not normal. It crosses my mind that I shouldn't feel this way. That having a walk with God should just make this go away. Leaning on God and walking with God does help. It doesn't make it go away and it doesn't make it totally easy. God reminds me to lean on Him and that He is my strength through this all. 

Yesterday I got to reading an article. It said that loneliness is depression's playground. 
How TRUE is this? So true. 
The past 22 days, I have officially been without the three people I have spent the last 6 months with. (Well one of them my whole life) All of them left within two weeks of each other. And here I was. Just here. Had to keep living here and going to class and living life. Alone. I have been so lonely. Sure I have mom and dad and I love spending time with them. But that doesn't fill the emptiness that I feel. Everyday is just like groundhog day. I wake up, eat my breakfast, get in my car, drive to class, maybe cry some, go to class, think about my bed the whole time, finally get home, eat dinner, scroll Pinterest, watch Netflix, fall asleep. All while crying majority of the time I am alone.

That's it. That's what the past almost month of my life has been. Granted, I've gone to visit friends out of town and it was so refreshing to get away and just enjoy life. But when I am here at home, or Montgomery doing my daily routine, I am lonely. 

I can't live like this anymore. I have to make a change. I have to beat this. I have to get back on my feet and start living my life. I can't be happy one day and then the next day completely miserable. I have to learn to deal with this better. I have to let go of people who have already let go of me. I can't keep hoping and wishing that someone would change their mind and come back into my life. I have to accept and trust God's plan. I have to remind myself that He knows what's best for me. Literally, I have let my world just go to pieces. Just like that. 

I am embarrassed. I am discouraged. 
I am tired. I am going to have to make a change. 
This change can't and won't come overnight. It is going to take time. 

I have become so strong in the past year. Stronger than I realized I could be. I know I can get through this and I know I can beat this. I know how to deal with this. So here's a little list I have come up with to help me:

1. Routine Routine Routine-Instead of just laying around before class I will have a daily schedule. Starting from wake up all throughout the morning and then after class at night. I have to keep myself busy, but not overwhelmingly busy. Just busy to where I can't sit and mope. 

2.Exercise- I'll admit..this past month or so I have slacked on my gym routine. Putting it off another day and then putting it off again. The gym has always been my happy place. My place to de-stress and unwind. The place to make myself feel good.

3. Organization-I know when I am sad or in a mood that I tend to be messy. I just don't make my bed. I don't pick clothes up off the floor. I truly believe that a clean living space makes a difference in your attitude and daily life. 

4. Break from Social Media-- I always get on Instagram or FB & Twitter when I have down time...which is basically all the time. This gives me time to "catch up" on things and I sit and think and think and overthink and stress myself out and my emotions go haywire. So I am limiting myself each day to social media. Whether it's at night while I am catching up on my shows or when I am on a lunch break. But seriously...no more than like ten minutes max for right now. I think my village on Clash of Clans can handle that....hopefully ;)

5. Healthy habits.

6. Most importantly.. seeking God even more. Continue digging into His word and reminding myself of Who He says I am. To fill my days with His promises. 

So, if you happen to be fighting depression or needing some encouragement..I hope this helps. This list is what I have made for myself. So it may not fit you, if not that's okay! Make a list that fits you and your life!

Remember how worthy you truly are. That a man or a woman does not define you. That God does not expect you to be like this world. He set you apart. You aren't alone.

1 comment:

  1. I've been fighting depression on and off my entire life. It's been a really daily struggle for me since Howie died unexpectedly last May. Like you some days are better than others, sometimes I feel 'normal' and then I'll completely breakdown. Thank you for sharing your struggle & things that help you. I know we both can beat this! I'm always here for you if you need anything!