Not sure about this post...

Sometimes I feel like I am in a movie. Or even in my own little world and not one person can hear me. I scream and yell for someone to talk and they just keep moving along with their business. It's almost like a bad dream.
I can be in a room or in a place full of people and for a moment, I feel I am alone.
Almost as if not one person understands. The hurt. My heart. The words I have swarming through my mind but I can't say them because I fear of what someone will think after the words are spoken.

I have days where I just want to run. Run forever. Run as far as my body will possibly let me run. Or just get in my car and drive. Just drive until I have absolutely no clue where I am. The wind in my hair, the radio on, singing my heart out to every one of the songs that comes on.

Caught on to any of this? It's all just me. Alone.
Not sad alone, but just spending time with myself and becoming in-tune with my life.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a song.
Some days I want to write a book.
Some days I feel as though I have wasted so much time...
I then realize that life is a constant learning and growing process.
To let your emotions rule your life, well that is just setting yourself up for a constant battle.

There was a point in time this past fall where I hit a low. I called my mom. I was crying uncontrollably and I told her I needed a therapist. When really, I just needed to talk. I needed to tell someone that I was getting a dose of my own medicine. Karma had come back around and it was biting me hard. I asked my mom some "what-if" questions and she said "Megan, if that's how it goes then you pick yourself up by the bootstraps and stand tall .You carry on."

I still tell myself that every day when a situation arises. We can never ever ever take a moment back, but we can make the decision to never have a moment like it again. Every second is so priceless. I don't want to look back and realize that I cut myself off. That I made the decision to sulk. Or to not be happy. I am so blessed and whatever trial may be going on in my life, well I know I have life so much better than so many people out there. People who don't even have a bed or clean water to drink.

All I am saying is that, even though sometimes I feel like moments in my life are movies or songs- I feel as those moments are defining. Crucial.

I wasn't too sure about this post (this is the 3rd post I wrote tonight)--and I am still not sure of it. Maybe it doesn't make sense? Maybe it does? Who knows.
But I know that I am not the only one who feels like this. 

Who cares?

Life lately has been up and down. Not meaning it's been good or bad, but in the sense that it has just been all over the map.

In the past few weeks there were times that I let my emotions get the best of me. I was trying to bring my plan to life, when really God was waiting for me to yield for His plan.

I've just decided to let go. Let go of all my cares, all my worries, anxieties, stresses, struggles, feelings. Let them all go. For once in my life just go with the flow. Not have a plan.

Today this all hit me that I have actually done this. I was driving in my car...by myself. A song I love came on the radio, windows down, one hand on the wheel and the other arm just out the window floating in the wind. My hair just a blowing. At that very moment,  I realized I had finally let go of trying to plan my life and run it. I finally truly turned it over to God. 

Whatever happens, happens. I know God's plan for my life is far more exceedingly amazing than I could ever imagine. Who cares if a old "friend" feels the need to dislike me all of a sudden for no reason? Their problem..not mine. Who cares if I went out with friends over the weekend and people started talking about me and assuming things? Once again, their problem. Not mine. Who cares that I always thought I would be married by now and I am not? Who cares?? Honestly, I need to enjoy my time being 23 and young. I need to make friends, fall in love and learn new things everyday. This time of my life, right here, right now is preparing me for the future that is mine. 

All I am saying is that I.DON'T.CARE.

I know who I am. I know I have a God who loves me unconditionally. 

It's time to focus on me and my life and not trying to make everyone else around me happy. I am so determined to make my dreams and goals come true. 

I am so determined to live the life I have always imagined. 

That includes not settling. 

God has brought some seriously amazing people into my life within a few short months. I can already see what key roles they have. From selfless acts to acts of pure kindness. Hours of words of encouragement. Hugs that mean more than they will ever know. A hour spent with any of them means the world to me. These friends and my family are the support system. These are the people that know me like no other.

So, here's to letting go of the life WE planned for ourselves, and here's to the life that GOD has planned.

Finding contentment

Tonight as I am laying here, it hits me. I am so much more worthy than I ever thought I was.

When the fear of doubt and and the words "you're not good enough" creep in, I can stand against those and KNOW that I indeed, AM good enough.

We are all fighting our own battles. No battle more tough than someone else's, because every person handles things differently. From emotional abuse to cheating to being afraid of what tomorrow holds, we are all fighting something. What is it that YOU are fighting tonight?

I want you to think about that. It doesn't have to be something so huge or so big, but sure like I said, something that may seem so little and insignificant to someone else, could be ginormous in your eyes. 

Today and tonight the word fear has been something that has been heavy on my mind and my heart. What is it we fear the most? For me? Maybe I fear that I will cut myself short. Some fear that whatever has happened in their past is bound to happen in their future. 

Our minds and our attitudes are what handle this. Go INTO SOMETHING thinking positive. Do NOT give yourself the option to have negative thoughts or to dwell. Everything will happen when it needs to. In its own Season. Just because something isn't how you would like it to be now, doesn't mean that it won't ever be that way. God KNOWS the desires of our hearts. He knows them. He WANTS to bless you. He WANTS you to be happy. Stand firm on His Word and trust when it says "do not fear". 

Don't fear. Don't worry about things you cannot control. Take each day as it comes. Love others and make sure you never miss the opportunity to share what is on your heart. I've learned to not hold anything back and to always share my heart. So far....it's working and I feel great. 

Always remember, sometimes it's gotta get dark before the sun can shine. A storm always rolls through before the rainbow. Be steadfast and trust and KNOW you CAN and WILL get through whatever battle you may be fighting. 

YOU deserve the best. So handle your battles, be at peace and move on. 

It will be okay.

This isn't the blind leading the blind......

Sometimes I feel as though my every move is being watched under a microscope. I feel like I have to act a certain way and be a certain way. People have seen this scenario in my life many times in the recent years and it's almost like they are waiting for it to reply itself out..again.

It would be so easy for me to say "Let me prove them wrong!"..But really, I am not doing this to prove someone wrong or to show someone up. I am doing this for myself and because I KNOW that it is right.

Last night I posted a post over at Running & Dreaming...I am sure I have some folks angry at me about it. I was really paranoid at first about the reaction I would get from some. But once I reminded myself that my blog is for my thoughts and where I can write and be free, I kinda threw that care out of the window. Okay, I tried  to throw that care out of the window. (We all know it is hard for me to not care. I do not like hurting people and their feelings at all.)

Last night I went to a community group for young adults that my church has recently started up. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this. I love my parents church (The church I attend) but there is no one my age and there is no communion with people my age. So, it gets a little discouraging. So having this group is AWESOME! Anyways...we were talking about qualities of the Holy Spirit and it's "roles". The role that always sticks out to me the most is the guider, the role that directs me. Sometimes I feel absolutely completely lost. I look around and I do not know where I am at and which direction I need to go. I cry out to God and ask him to take this confusion and to wrap his arms around me. To comfort me and guide me along the path, because I cannot do it alone. I have had a lot of those moments here lately.

There are times that I get so bold and say things that are on my heart but then an hour later, I am wondering how that is effecting others. And then confusion tries to set in. Usually we think about how our words will affect others before we speak them. But in these moments of boldness it's almost like I am fearless. I am being honest about myself and my heart. I am letting people know what's up, instead of letting them try to figure out what's up.  I am not the one to play games and to lead others on. I want them to know things straightforward. That's how I like to know things. Straightforward and from the beginning.

On this path I am on, I am finding myself trying new ways to be bold and to take a stand. Not sure it it's the best....but I am trying. I don't want to live my life full of "what if's" and maybes. I don't want to live my life in the unknown holding back words that I wanted to say. I don't want to live my life constantly playing the guessing game or constantly getting let down. I want to be honest and I am guarding my heart. For the first time in my life, I am guarding my heart with everything I have. I don't want to be on a rollercoaster. I don't want to be hurt. I want God to mold me, and make me into the woman He plans for me to be. I want God to take complete control of my heart and help me grow into the wife I will one day be. I don't want to let the guard on my heart down.

Am I fearful? If I didn't stand on God's promises then yes, I would be fearful. I remind myself  many many times throughout the day that God's plan is bigger than mine. That He will NEVER lead me astray. This isn't "the blind leading the blind". This is The Almighty King. This is the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE. The one who put the stars in the sky. The One who knows every strand of hair on my head. The One who formed me. No this is not the blind leading the blind. This is GOD leading me.

Let's Run our own race..

Life can get you down and it can throw you around. But the times we get back up are the most important. The past can creep back all it wants, but that is when you make it known that your past does not define you.

Everyday is a new day...a new start, and a new opportunity to change your ways.

It doesn't matter what size you are or what the color of your hair is. It doesn't matter what designer you are or you are not wearing. The car you drive?..yeah, it doesn't matter either.

What matters is your content. What is inside you? Compassion, love, jealousy, hate?

What lies in our hearts is way more important than what material things we have in our life. I would rather have the most compassionate heart, than all the materials in the world.

I am learning to not compare my journey and relationships to others. Their journey and their relationship are their story and for their path. My journey and my relationships are for MY journey. If I don't graduate when so & so graduates, so what? If I don't get a new vehicle when a friend does, So what?

~I am ME. This is MY JOURNEY.

God has a special and unique plan for each and everyone of us.

When I find myself getting caught up in material items of the world, or even keeping up with who's doing what and blah blah blah, I find myself becoming more and more discontent. God always sends me a sweet reminder, gently saying, "You are MINE. This world does not define you. It is my love that defines you. "

I don't like getting to the place where I am so discontent. It shakes my whole world. It gets me second guessing myself and confuses me.

I am blessed, and I am loved. My parents have always been able to provide and live comfortable. If something was needed, I had it. I could have very easily turned into an ungrateful girl. But I was always reminded that some children were not as "lucky". I have always appreciated what I have been given. I sometimes feel that at the moments I feel "discontent" that I am forgetting or not recognizing the blessings that God has given me.

So-today is Monday. It is a NEW day. My goal, if you shall call it that, is to take each day as it comes and to speak how thankful I am for my blessings. To never forget for one second, because life could easily be turned upside down in a heartbeat.

So, don't compare yourself. Don't compare your journey. Be thankful. Be content.

"...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." -Hebrews 12:1

We will bloom

Here lately I have found myself full of worry and anxiety. I mean so full of it that I cannot function straight.
All of this has led to something I haven't had to deal with ...ever.

No motivation. I have no motivation.
It's hard to get out of bed, it's hard to actually want to go to class. All I want to do is, nothing. I'm so confused as to why this is. Is it because of the anxiety & worry?
The last few days I have found myself craving for routine. A daily routine. My devotional hasn't been done each day like usual.
So, as I crawled in bed last night, I opened my devo book and my Bible. It was exactly what I was needing to see.

Isn't it mind blowing how God provides and KNOWS exactly what we are needing? I still try to wrap my head around His goodness. After reading this devo and my Bible, I spent a good time in prayer and asked God to calm my heart. To take the worry and anxiety and fill me with His peace. He has done exactly that.
This morning after I woke, I sat down and made out a daily routine schedule. Every morning I will get up and have my precious time with Jesus at 7 and then head to the gym or for a run at 8 or so. These 2 things are things I have been yearning for. More Jesus and more exercise. The weather is finally warming up and is beautiful.

The way the weather has been reminds me of God's promises. It has been cold and dreary and a tough winter, but the sun has come out and the birds are chirping. Flowers are blooming. I love the newness of Spring and how refreshing it is.
With this new schedule and making the effort to get back into a routine and have my Jesus and Me time, I know God will refresh the dreary winter inside me, and a refreshing newness will bloom!
He will refresh our souls, and give us rest. The weariness will fade.

Jeremiah 31:25 "I will fully satisfy the needs of those who are weary and fully refresh the souls of those who are faint."

I also started at second devotional today. It is called "Experience 14 Days of Fresh Air" it is from the Chris Hodge's new book "Fresh Air"..If you are on YouVersion Bible App, I highly recommend you download this plan!

If you are stuck in a rut and find yourself having no motivation or just yearning for more, you are not alone. Bury yourself in God's Word and Promises and cling tight. Joy DOES come in the morning! 

Happy Valentine's Day my wonderful friends!!

I hope you all have a beautiful day!