somewhere in between //

I slid down the door frame and sat on the floor. Head leaned back. My heart was racing. I could feel the heat rising to my head. My head felt heavy. Dizzy. I am so stupid. I am so stupid. "How could I be so stupid? I just don't understand" I said out loud.

I looked up and saw his face. "Tell me. How could I be so stupid??" I demanded. I demanded to hear an answer. An answer that made me feel better. Not even better, just an answer to help me understand what the heck was going on. And all I got from him was a head shake and the words "It was a mistake..."

I looked at the floor. Hardwood. Dirt. It was cold. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. What am I doing here? Just get up. Get up Meg. Leave. Leave him here. Just walk away. It was so easy for you to walk away the times before. Just leave. GO.

But my butt stayed cemented to the floor. That cold and dirty floor. 
I brought my eyes up and saw some worn cowboy boots across the room. I thought about the way they looked on him. The way I always admired how hard he worked. Reminded me of my daddy. 

But then I looked up and I saw him. And I saw hurt. I saw heartbreak. 

And for the next month and some days, it was pure confusion every time I looked at him.


Somewhere in between sitting on that cold floor and now, sitting on my cozy bed- I realized it. 

I figured it out.

It's not what I thought. 

It's completely different.

You see, I am in such a special season of life right now. A season that I always dreaded. A season that I hoped I would never have to go through.

A season of singleness. 

A season of constant "so are you dating anyone" questions. Or of being fond of someone but it's just not there for you.

A season of letting it wide open and embracing the heart of this particular season.

A season of reflecting. 

So, here I am. 
Embracing the heart of this. 

Yearning and pressing into God more and more daily because the truth is, in this season of singleness, He is molding me. Not only is He doing that, He is doing so much more. This is an intimate season between God and myself. A season that when I get married one day, I won't have this special alone season ever again. 

Many people don't have the courage to wait during this. And to embrace it. Don't get me wrong, the quiet is deafening at times. The loneliness can overwhelm. But ultimately, I embrace it. 

Let me become a woman of God.
Let me become the wife God has planned for me to be.
Let me fall even more in love with our maker than I already am.

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem,
    by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:

Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,
    until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. -Song of Solomon 3:5 (MSG)

I just find it so encouraging when I think about the fact that our experiences and relationships have helped shape us. They've helped make us who we are. We've either let them add to us, or completely shut us down...To disregard love and relationships and just have meaningless relations that are temporary fixes.

I just want to encourage you if you need it. If you're in this same season as I am, GOOD! You're not alone. Embrace this season. You can either realize how special this season is, or you can make it as terrible as possible. 

Remember, God is for you. He is with you. He will never forsake you.
He is all we truly need in this life. 

If you're one that's been hurt. Ghosted a few times, walked on, cheated on, disrespected, told you're "the marrying type" not the dating type (*insert eye roll*)....then GOOD.

Don't let the hurt that someone else caused, because they were hurting, be the end of it for you. Don't let them be the reason you completely turn away from love and from good people.

This season is a gift.
Keep your eyes and your heart on God.
And when the time is right, HE will make it happen.

 "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time."
 - Ecclesiastes 3:11


to my future//

Dear future husband, 

Here I am, once again, curled up and comfy on the bed needing to talk. To get every detail out and off of my chest. To share what's going on in my mind and in my heart. To cry some tears because of the hurt I am feeling. To be reassured that I am worthy because God says I am. 

You see, the last couple of years have been a little tough. I'm sure, eventually, you will read this blog in its entirety, and you'll understand a little bit better. I've found myself in a few situations. A little blinded, a bit dumb, a bit stubborn, and confused. I've stayed when I should have ran, and I've ran when I should have stayed. I've spent countless nights praying for God to just hug me. To give me the slightest glimmer of hope and pull me through the night. I've prayed for Him to shut doors that didn't need to be opened. And that, He did. He's opened the doors that needed to be opened. 
Everything that He's taken, He's always replaced with something better fitting. 

I'm not sure if I'm just a hard person to love or if people just don't know how to love a heart like mine. In the last two experiences, they just haven't been able to care for my heart like God intends for the man to. And it's left me so sad but so hopeful in a way.

But it just hurts. It hurts when someone you've known for so long and wanted nothing more than to care for them, shuts you out. Disappears on you. Leaves you there, just standing..wondering what in the world just happened. And you replay conversations and memories and text messages and you just can't pinpoint it. You pick up the pieces of the hurt caused and you start to believe that it's you.  

I hope you've never done this to someone. Or had it done to you. I hope you're a man of courage and integrity. A man who is honest and sincere. A man who will never manipulate others or deceive others because you aren't sure of your feelings or you aren't sure how to handle fear. It hurts a lot. Relationships, friendships, etc...it hurts in those areas. 

I hope you're a patient man. A man who won't get frustrated with me when I'm just not in the best mood. Or a man that will never ever be with another woman behind my back. I hope you're a man that will tell me when something is wrong or bothering you. I pray you're a man that loves God more than you love me. I pray that you're a man who will lead me closer to The Lord. One who will be a beautiful reminder of God's faithfulness and His love. A man that puts others before himself.

I hope you never let me fall asleep letting me feel unwanted. No matter how mad you are at me.  And I will never ever let you fall asleep feeling unwanted..no matter how mad I am at you. 

I also hope you can handle my sharpie addiction, And my addiction to leggings and tennis shoes. 

I hope that you never put me down or make me feel less than. 

I don't know who you are, or where you're at. I don't know if I already know you. In either case, it's clear that God is just working away and arranging our roads to intersect finally, or again. 

But, what I do know, is that I've waited for what seems like forever for you. And I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. I am messy and emotional, and weird, and loud, and I talk too much, and I cry weekly...but I have a heart that will love you forever. A heart that just patiently waits for the day it meets yours. So my soul can finally say it's been waiting and it's found you. A heart that feels so much that it sometimes feels like it's breaking. 

Continuing to press into God is what keeps me going. Because trust me, I'd love to quit right now. I'd love to throw my hands up and give up. Be bitter and jaded. But I refuse to do that. So, pressing into God is what I will continue to do. He will keep molding me into the woman and wife He plans for me to be. Preparing me.

Life is messy and unpredictable. It's hard. It's not fair. But, it is also good. God is good and He is faithful. I know this sadness I feel right now will eventually become a memory that is stored in my heart. And when I hear a certain song, I know I will feel the sting of this particular sadness again. But I'll smile when I think about the fact that life is constantly changing and doors are closing because God is working. He is leading me to you and you to me. So tonight, when I lay down and close my eyes, I might let a few tears fall, but in my heart I know that 
Right now, our hearts are being prepared.  


All this time//

Earlier today i posted a haunting status on Facebook. Now, im not usually posting statuses but when I get the urge, one is posted. Like this:

"In life we all go through things. And sometimes, in the midst of those things we ignore those who care for us because we are so focused on our circumstances around us. If I could turn back the clock and do it differently- I would. In a heartbeat. But that's not possible. It's possible to make the past the  past and build a beautiful now and future. Sometimes when we finally come to our senses and finally get out of the tunnel we were in- we see things. The people who were standing there with us the whole time. And usually it's not too late. But sometimes when we realize things- it may be a bit too late..and the sinking feeling is a feeling that leaves you breathless and hollow."

This past week has been an interesting one. Very interesting. I can't decide or figure out what in the heck is going on. So, naturally, I have overthought it and overthought it some more and more...and well, some more. You know how us females are.

It's just so out of character.
The silence is deafening. 
The silence is so loud that it's impossible to have a clear thought. 

Today as I was clearing out my iPad, I came across some things. They made me smile, they made me cry, and they made me angry at myself. They made my heart sad.

You see, for several years I wanted something so badly. But it just wouldn't couldn't happen. At some point, I gave up on the surface. Deep in my heart I still wanted this, but I knew it wasnt the time. Years go by. Still the same. And then out of nowhere, it was right there infront of me. Asking me to give everything I had wanted to give years before. But, I couldn't. My heart was in no shape to say yes. It was in no shape to be given. So I did what I needed to do in order to let God work in my heart and to heal me. And that, He did. And I just happened to be so lucky enough that I was forgiven and a new beginning was happening.

I got the job I only dreamt of having.
I moved back to Alabama. 
I was back in my church. 
And there, there was everything my heart had kept inside for so many years. Just like that, it was exploding and jumping for joy and smiling all at the same time. 

It was able to take a big sigh of relief and say "finally"....it was home. 

But now,


it is sinking. It is thinking. It is wondering. 
Most of all, it is sorry.

I am sorry. 

I am sorry for all of the text messages that went unanswered. I am sorry for wanting something so badly and then saying no.....Only because there would be one more person hurting if I would have said yes. I am sorry for the silence I gave you. 

But what I'm not sorry for is for the fact that I gave silence and said no to protect you. To protect you from the hurt my heart would have caused you. I'm not sorry for the bajillion prayers I've prayed for you and for you and I. I'm not sorry for always being a little shy around you. I'm not sorry for being a drama queen and hitting the floor every time my foot is stepped on. I'm not sorry for looking up at you with a genuine smile so deep my heart was smiling with my face everytime you came around me. I'm not sorry for letting myself heal and for realizing that all this time, it's been you. I'm not sorry. And I'm especially not sorry for writing this. And I'm definitely not sorry for baring my heart to you. 

overreacting and overthinkning? timing? payback? fear of this?

I don't know. 

But what I do know is that, I'm here. I'm not leaving and I won't give up until told to. 

I'd drink my La Croix water and wear my little Nikes anywhere this life took us.

so, if you're reading this, there you have it. I am sorry for so many things and I'm also not sorry.

love always


untitled //

What is it about letting something go that makes it seem so impossible?
Is it that the picture we've painted is so much better than the reality and we are just holding on for dear life to the picture we had? Even though the reality is just crumbling if not already crumbled to pieces.

what is it?

I know for me, something I have realized recently is that I am so afraid of being painted as a bad person. That because I am trying to let go and fully move on and just block this from my mind, that I am not a good person. I'm not a good person because I don't continue what I've had a large part in continuing, long after it was done in the first place. It's so sad.

It's so sad that I've second guessed every single decision I have made in the last few days. And I go back to undo what I did because I feel like I am terrible for trying to move on. But let me tell you, you are NOT a bad person for trying to move on. You are NOT a bad person for removing yourself from something that is toxic to both parties.

You guys, if there is anything I have learned in this past season, it's that when God asks you to let go, it's best you just let go. You just let that door close. Because if not, it will get to the point of shattering. It will get to the point where resentment rises. We don't want that. We are called to love, not to resent.

I think I just care so much about people that it's not good. When I see someone I care for, hurting, i want to help make it better. Even if they haven't said they are hurting. When you've been lost, broken, or confused yourself, you can always always always see the ones who are lost, broken, or confused. And I want to encourage. But sometimes, that kindness gets taken advantage of. At first it's not really noticeable, but then, then it just keeps going on and on and on. 

when does it stop?

It stops when you make it stop. It stops when you stop allowing yourself to be half of the problem. It stops when you decide that you can't take it anymore. It stops when you make the decision to walk away. 

When the rug is pulled out from underneath you and everything is all out of sorts, and you're just not sure what is happening or what God is doing...just breathe. Remember that our Lord is Sovereign. That He isn't going to cause pain without purpose. That anytime He is removing and closing doors, it's because there is something He has in mind that is better for you and the plan He has for your life.

I'm totally speaking to myself when I say this and to anyone out there who needs it: stop holding onto what you wanted it to be. Stop holding onto the life you planned. because God will wreck your plans so quick when He sees that they are about to wreck you!!! 

I'm not here to point fingers, you're not here to point fingers- we are here to accept what is, to learn from it, and to move on. To take what we've learned and to apply it. 

Is it still going to hurt? Yes. Some days it will hurt like hell.
Not sugar coating at all. You will have to make the conscious decision and effort to get up and get going.

But it gets better. 
And life gets a little lighter as each day passes.
And your smile slowly turns from fake to real.

Be confident in where your strength comes from. Know that God is not going to fail you. 
End of story. 

Just know that people come into our lives for a reason. And not everyone is meant to stay. Some are just passing through. And some pass through and then wind up finding their way back into our lives. And sometimes not. But either way, let's let the resentment go. Let the hurt and anger go. Let it all go... holding onto those things is only delaying you. 

There are moments in my days sometimes where I just beat myself up. How stupid could I really be? To not see that I wasn't wanted where I was wanting to be. And why I was wanting to be there when I was unwanted, I'll never understand. But it made me get to the point where I didn't want myself. And that is so dangerous & heartbreaking. But I've realized that some people just can't handle my heart. Period. Not everyone may know how to care and how to love a heart like mine. And that's okay..it doesn't make that person bad or not good enough. They just aren't capable of it.

It hurts to let it go, but at the same time it will be so rewarding. Loving yourself, wanting yourself, knowing your worth. You will be radiant. And everyone will see it. 
So step into the new chapter that is waiting on you.

But whatever you do, 
don't let the ones who couldn't love you, stop you from loving again. 


Let it go, let it be//

So, here I sit. On my little twin size air mattress. Boxes packed and piled up around me. My empty closet with my suitcase full of clothes sitting in it. The comfortableness of my room isn't the normal. But I am comfortable. I think reality is hitting with every box I pack. 

Honestly, I am not too sure how I feel right now.
I have a lot of silence in me.
As exciting as this all is, I am so so sad. 

I'm not sure that I am necessarily ready for this chapter of my life to close. I want to hold onto it so badly. But, in the last few months, I've come to really really understand the pain of holding onto something that I need to let go of. So I know that I need to trustingly and gracefully let this chapter go. Let it close.

I am just so afraid. Afraid I won't ever feel the happiness that I've felt in this chapter. Or the rawness of loving someone so much and not being loved in return. The feeling of trying so hard to make someone see how worthy I was. The feeling of not being good enough. The feeling of fully trusting God when I couldn't see how the next day could possibly make sense. The feeling of feeling like a failure. The feeling of loneliness. Or the feeling of a heart so heavy that I honestly didn't know how to breathe.

You see, ALL of those feelings, I needed to feel. I had to feel them. And as much as I never ever want to feel that rejection and hurt and sadness again, I also know that if I don't feel those feelings again, then I've found the one who loves me so much in return. The one who sees how worthy God says I am. The feeling of achievement - when before I felt like such a failure in certain areas of life. The feeling of knowing what loneliness felt like, that way I will appreciate loneliness and company so much more. And the feeling of a heart so heavy- I'll be feeling so thankful that I have a heart that is capable of loving others so much. 

You see, the more we hold onto someone or something, the worse it is for ourselves. We stay stuck. We start to devalue ourselves. We allow things to continually happen and it's a downward spiral.

Listen to me right here, right now-
You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make someone ready. You cannot keep replaying a chapter of your life because it's comfortable and you're scared of the future. You cannot keep punishing yourself. I know. Trust me... The thought of certain things not happening or being in my life, kills me. Makes my heart so so sad. I wish things could be different. But they can't and they aren't. I have to keep going, You have to keep going. 

This is where our stories are beginning, not ending

For months I have prayed and prayed for an opportunity to come my way. After rejection after rejection, finally something came. It all just fell into place and was so easy. And now 1 month and a week later, I am moving from Alabama to Tennessee. I can't be hesitant when this is something I have prayed about for so long. I can't be fearful. 

There's a verse that just keeps playing over and over again in my mind and my heart these last couple days 

"Never will I leave you, never will I abandon you." - Hebrews 13:5

Please, don't get me wrong- I am thrilled for this new journey. I am thankful for it. I have the best support system cheering me on and I am stoked. I know God has amazing plans. But, I am sad. I won't hide or deny that fact. 

I just need a little extra help when it comes to the letting go part.
And that's okay- no matter what anyone says.

We ALL have something we need help letting go of.  
And we ALL can do it. Trust God, trust His timing. 

Let it go, Let it be.



So, it's been awhile.
And when I say awhile I mean almost two months....that's too long.

Life has been very interesting these last two months.
My mission trip to LA happened earlier this month and it was life changing. I will have a post up soon about that.

But tonight there is something weighing so heavy on my heart.
Being still.

I woke up with a feeling of peace. I got up looked in the mirror and threw my hair up in a pony. Sleepily walked to the kitchen and went through all the motions of getting my cup of coffee. "Today will be a good day" I thought to myself. Came back to my bed and opened my Bible. Fast forward a few hours and I am battling thoughts. Fighting my mind from going there. You're amounting to nothing. You weren't good enough for him. God has definitely let you down. You're going nowhere in this life...everyone would be better off if you weren't here. I don't know why He saved you from the 18 wheeler. 

Lie after lie after lie.

Still, everywhere I look, doors are still closing. 
I had my heart set on a job. A job that seemed so perfect for me. Interview went wonderful, it just made sense. And then, last Friday night I am sitting at a ball game and the email came through letting me know the position was filled. Instantly I started sobbing. And I mean sobbing. Thank goodness the lights were shutting off for fireworks because I was a tearful mess. As I sat there and heard the boom of each firework, I felt the pieces of my heart falling apart. The ache. The sadness. The sadness was just so sad. I was so sad. So so sad. I remember sending a text that said "why is everything good being taken away from me?"  I remember hitting send and then feeling the tears fall from my cheeks onto my legs. I just sobbed. First, God shuts the door on a relationship that I wanted so badly to work. So badly. And it wasn't shut in a nice way. It was a slam with silence. And then it was just rejection from every job. But this job was different. It was almost perfect for my first "official move off to a different state and start my own life job". I just kept texting. Asking why God was doing this. Why was this happening. 

He's closing on the good, to bring in the great.

And then the words from a sweet sweet new friend I met in Los Angeles hit me. 
"God is healing the deepest hurts and the deepest pains of your heart. Even the parts you are too ashamed to tell anyone about. He is healing them. And He is SO excited about what He has planned for you."

I let the memories of those words soak into my mind and my heart. 
I came home and cried myself to sleep that night.

But what is it? What is the reasoning behind the fact that I am so against letting this person go? What was it about that job that made the news so devastating? 
Here I am, standing in front of both just waving my hands, jumping up and down saying 
"pick me! Pick me! Choose me! Here I am! Choose me!" 

And God is just there, saying "no my daughter. That's not what I have for you."

And that person just looks at me and doesn't want me.
 And that job saw me, but doesn't want me.

But don't play with my heart..if you don't want me, then let me go.

And there I am again, crying to my best friends because I am hurting. And here they are again, speaking God's promises into my life. And reminding me of my worth and deserving better.

And here I am. A week later. Just waiting.
Waiting for time to reveal things. Waiting for the moment I say "I see God. I see why that didn't happen."

I know God is working. And I know those doors closed for a reason. I am so thankful. I am. But it still hurts, and I still cry. But I also know that God has a different plan for me than what I had planned. I know that in this season of waiting, I am being refined and prepared. I am being taught. I am being disciplined. I am learning to trust again. I am seeing God working all around me. But it still doesn't make sense. 
And I am done trying to make sense of it all. I am exhausted from trying so hard.

In this waiting, I want to use this season to get to know God more intimately. Deeper than I have ever known Him. I want every aspect of my life to begin and end with Him. And every area in between that to be filled with him. While I am waiting I will praise Him in the valleys and I will praise Him on the mountains. 

I just never imagined that I would be in this position. That He would walk me through the fire. That I would face such hurt and heartbreak in my 26 years of life. But I am. I have. I will. And each step of the way, He is there. Right there with me. And on the days that it hurts to even breathe, He is breathing His breath into me. He is giving me strength to take the next step. Step by step, day by day. I am so grateful. 4 years ago I made a decision and walked away from a life that I didn't want. On that day I told God that my life is yours, my journey is yours- let's do this. I wholeheartedly yielded. Little did I know. 

This post is really me preaching to myself. Reminding myself of things. But it's also for you. If you are in a season of waiting, a season of unknowns, a season of life that is just really really hard and discouraging, I want to encourage you. Stick it out. Use this season to grow deeper in love with God. Use it to discover things about yourself. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry. And when you're confused and the enemy keeps filling your mind with his lies, just push into God. Remind yourself of His promises. 

So let the doors close and don't bang on them. 
Rejection is God's protection.
Open your heart and let God do His work.

If we could see through Jesus' eyes, we would want exactly what he wants for ourselves. 


something new

In the last month I have sat on my bed and started writing a new post.Minutes later that post was drafted and never posted. I am hoping today is a little different. Life has been different lately. 

Let me start by saying that I am once again in complete awe of God and how faithful He is. 

Never in my life have I seen faithfulness like His. 

When we let go of things and people that aren't meant for us, that opens the door for God to usher in what IS meant for us and WHO is meant for us. 

It hurts. I know, it really does hurt. But, like I have always said before, there is purpose in the pain. There is meaning in the confusion. There is understanding in the chaos. 

For weeks and weeks I held on. I held on to any little thing I could to make it seem like it was still real. Like it wasn't gone. 

Confusion, hurt, tears. That was daily for me. I just couldn't understand how something that was a daily thing in your life, could just be gone. Like that. No reason given, no words spoken, nothing. Nothing at all. Just silence. Deafening silence. Silence that cut so deep and hurt more than the truth. Silence that gave me my answer. Silence that helped me understand that I had to let go, because I deserve so much more and so much better than silence. 

I remember so vividly standing there in that auditorium. K was to my left and I just remember singing those words over and over again. 

Your Name is higher
Your Name is greater
All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing
Your promise unshaken
All my hope is in You

I just remember hearing words spoken saying "Whatever it is you need to let go of, let's just let it go tonight. Whatever healing you need in your heart, let God do that. Let Him put your broken pieces together."

And in that moment, I let go. I knew right then I was going to be okay. More thank okay actually. I had no idea where God was going to take me or what God was going to do in my life. 
But I knew it was going to be everything my heart could ever desire. 

The very next day a door was opened and I was shocked. A week later another door was opened and I was once again blown away. For months and months I had been so unsure about where to go with my degree and my career. And then it was just thrown in my lap.

It's like I was standing still and the world was spinning and I was just watching things fall around me...into place.  

New friendships have been made 
New doors have been opened.
And I am so confident with where I am at. 

I know I say this often, but I just want to encourage someone who needs it. When it feels like everything is falling apart and people are walking away from you with silence---- it's not falling apart. God is just rearranging the puzzle pieces. Getting you in place for where He needs you to be in order to elevate you and take you higher up your path. 

Trust me, I still have moments where I am just so overcome with hurt which turns to anger. I just don't understand how someone who knows my heart could act out such hurtful actions towards me, all while knowing how much it hurts my heart. But, I can hold my head high. Because I know I gave so much to someone. I cared and loved. I tried my best.  It would be so easy to feel hatred towards them- but I can't. Instead my heart aches for that person. It prays for that person daily. It still cares alot.

I am thankful for everything that I learned. The laughs, the tears, the memories made. I know my laughter and my voice will echo in the mind of that person. And that the love that my heart gave will never be forgotten. Who knows what the future holds. Only God knows the answer to that. 

If you're feeling this way or even similar to this.. just hold on. Have HOPE. Don't give up just yet. God is about to move and rearrange and set you higher on your journey. Just let go. Let go of what is not meant for you at this time.

A verse that I have clung to this past month is: 
Isaiah 43:18-19: " But forget all of that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See! I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

See you guys. God is so faithful. He will take care of you. He will heal all of your hurts. He will breathe new life into you. Let Him.