8.25.2014

What are you going to choose?

There are days and there are moments that I wish I could go back and erase. That I wish I could take back.

Here lately my emotions have been all over the place. Changes are happening in my life right now and they are some big changes. My sister just moved to Mississippi for college. Someone I have grown to care for leaves in a week or so. And a sweet friend has moved off. To say I feel alone..well I know that wouldn't be fair to say. I have my parents, I have my animals....I have...fellow classmates?

My point. 

You see, I dreaded these upcoming days of my sister moving and people leaving. I dreaded them and I missed out. I missed out on moments that I could have kept with me forever. I'm not regretting.. I am just realizing. All this realization brings so many emotions. It's gotten to the point where I work and try so hard to push these people away. I mean they're just leaving anyways. So I might as well get an early start on being without them. Seriously y'all...this is what my thinking has come to. It's sad. It's ridiculous. Why don't I just snap out of it?

Is it because I would rather dwell and be miserable than spend my last few days having an amazing time and making memories? Am I jaded? Am I stupid? Because I am really starting to think that I am crazy. 

It breaks my heart to stand back and watch myself push people away. To close out people because I'd rather not feel anything at all. Because I've been so hurt, and by the small age of 24, I've already non verbally said that I am staying away from love and from feelings. I am staying away from caring about another human being in a way that would make me attached to him. To miss this person. To feel love and excitement. To feel my heart break in a way that it's never felt. 

Why? Why is it like this?

All I know is that I am tired of it. It makes me so mad to think about how "women" and "men" play games these days. Can't we just be genuine? What happened to truth and honesty? What happened to genuinely pursing only ONE person and seeing if there is anything that could bloom from it? What happened to the days when there wasn't snapchat and facebook messaging? To see a girl casually but quickly pop up on his snapchat top friends list. Or to look over and see a Facebook message from a guy on her phone. Why can't we just be honest people? Why can't we each just take a step back and reevaluate. At the rate this generation is going everyone is going to be on Tinder still. Sitting next to the girl or guy you claim to care for, but yet you're swiping left or right..whichever stupid way you swipe to say yes.

Seriously..this fires me up. 
It's sad when you leave the room and your first thought while leaving the room is that he  is about to snap another girl or that she is about to text some other guy. Why? Why are we like this today?

I can tell you why..but I don't know if y'all are ready for it....so, here goes.
LAZINESS. We are all so lazy. SO LAZY. What happened to genuine dating? These days everyone is just looking for that next yes. The next yes to get in the bed together and then say "see ya around." The world today is crap. 

So after all of this rant...I am going to say this. 
This next week, I am going to soak in every minute. I am going to make memories. I will love, I will laugh and I will remember that our time here is short. Instead of letting the past hurt get to me and scare me out of something amazing, I will look this right in the eye and walk on. Not everyone is the same. 

Girls, not every guy is going to be like the last scumbag you dated. There are honest and genuine guys are there. And Guys, not every girl is going to sleep with you. Not every girl is on the prowl looking for her next bed to lay in. There are genuine girls who respect themselves out there. Who are just praying that a genuine guy is brought into their life.

So to the two that have left and the one that is leaving, I cherish you each. I am sorry for letting this world and this society scare me. I am sorry for all the crazy girl emotions that I have been feeling. But I am not sorry for all the smiles and the laughs and the moments that seemed so small, but yet seem to take up so much space in my heart. I am not sorry for the time we have spent together and I am surely not sorry for the way I care for each of you. 


So take my advice, as I am talking it myself...it's NOW OR NEVER. 

Are you going to sit the bench and miss out on what could possibly be the most amazing thing? Or are you going to get out there and live like you've never lived before?

I am choosing to get out there and live like I have never lived before.

7.31.2014

My LIST//

I've been asking questions a lot lately. Like a lot of questions.
I'm still processing things in my life and where I'm going. 

I'm always coming across the articles online that have to do with "Being single in your twenties" and  "46 things that justify still being in college in your mid-twenties" , and blah blah blah blah. It is so so annoying. (Insert the emoji hand claps between "so so" up there.) But yet I read them, and I laugh and I find myself agreeing with certain things and totally understanding where the writer is coming from. I totally get it when that writer says "It's totally okay to guzzle wine when you see that yet ANOTHER friend has gotten engaged." ..Ohhhh girl. or guy. whoever you are writing that article...I get you. I got you. I understand you.

I've always been the type of girl who can't wait for marriage and to have kids and to have that sweet southern life. Not anymore. Where did that girl go?? Uhhm..hopefully far far far far away. Ain't no marriage or babies in my future for a LONG LONG time. I mean, if God brings that special person to my life then obviously I would have a change of heart and mind. This is just how I feel lately. (But Yes, I am about to turn 25. And no, I don't think I should have a kid by now. Thank you though.)

I get it. I do. I really get it--people are defined by these things. Defined by their relationship status. Defined by their parental status. Oh, you're 21 and have a baby? That is too young. Oh, you're 27 and not married nor have kids? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Seriously...that is what it sounds like these days. In my case it's more of "oh I'm sure you'll end up with what's-his-face." Wait, I like this one better...."So when are you getting married? Me:Uhhh I don't even have a boyfriend..sooo not anytime soon. Them: Oh I'm sure men are just chasing after you. Pay them some attention. You're getting older now and need to settle down." SETTLE DOWN? SERIOUSLY?? PUH-LEEEAAASE. If I settle down anymore I would be a flipping TREE. C'mon now.

So if you're not tired of my ranting yet, great. If you are...you don't have to keep reading..

SO Here is MY list, yes my own personal thoughts listed out as to why I am just fine and happy with how I am living my little 24 year old life:

1. Me, myself, and I. - seriously. I don't have to answer to anyone. I am only responsible for MYSELF. I am able to focus on ME, and who I AM. What I want to do with my life. Where I want to go. What kind of person do I want to be with? Better yet, what kind of person do I want to be.

2. Living at home- Okay, so yeah, I do live at home with my parents. But while all you kiddos who live in the same town as your parents but just had to get your own place as soon as you graduated high school so you could feel like the adult that you weren't (yes, I went there.) - I have been living at home. Rent free. Yes, I pay my own bills, but seriously..there's a trust between my parents and I so I've been free to come and go as I please and be responsible. Thanks mom and dad. Oh, and did I mention saving money comes into play here?? Yep. #BOOM.

3. I work from home- A LOT of people do not understand this. Like at all. And that's okay...because I really honestly don't care to explain myself. All I can say is that two years ago an amazing opportunity fell into my lap and ever since then I've been working for this company. Right up my degree alley. Social media smart. So yes, doubters, I DO work in SOCIAL MEDIA and guess what?! IT'S A JOB! It's a CAREER!

4. College life- I love the fact that I am still in college. I love wearing yoga tights and big t's every day with a fleece pullover. I love stopping by that Dunkin Donuts by campus and I LOVE, I repeat I LOVE school supplies. In fact, I CAN'T WAIT for classes to start up in two weeks. So yes, this may be my 6th year in college but it's because my 2nd year I HATED the career track I was on so I decided to go a different route and really took the time to figure out what I wanted to do in my life. To find and do something that I love. To excel at it. Guess what? I found it.

5. I do what I want- Baseball games, Dairy Queen, Ben&Jerry's, FRIENDS, laying out, spending three hours at the gym....staying up late just laughing with someone, being ME, loving life...drinking coffee in my hammock.. DOING NOTHING...driving with the music up and windows down..all because I can. All because I am learning to embrace this life. Day by day. Moment by moment. Not stressing or worrying about tomorrow and the future to come. Not worrying about making someone upset with me. Not worrying about getting broken up with. Not worrying about a thing.

Y'all..life is short. Too short. So make sure that you are living your life how YOU want to live it. NOT how someone else wants you to live it. Be who you want to be. Love who you want to love. 

Take chances. Date that boy...or Boys date that girl. Be honest. Take the risk to trust. Let go of the past. Meet new people, make memories, laugh, have fun, travel and explore. Go fishing.  Just don't make yourself grow up at someone else's pace. 
Do YOU. BE YOU.


7.21.2014

Wrecked.

It's been a little over a month since I last posted. For the past almost 5 weeks I have been out here working PR at camp. There really aren't words that can describe how amazing this place is. How amazing the people are here: campers and staff. 

Pictures found here.

But today, today I am struggling. I thought I was past this point of struggle. Today I felt my heart break a little. Today I questioned myself and my strength. I questioned myself if I can really handle this...emotionally and mentally. This place leaves such an impact on your life. Your heart. Your thoughts. I questioned and questioned and questioned myself. 

As I sit here in our little office, I see a picture of my sister and I on my desk. I hear her words and I feel her prayers for me. But I am struggling. Usually I can put on a smile and forget what's hurting. But today, no smile was put on and it seemed as though all my strength had disappeared. My heart is exhausted but yet so full.
My mind is exhausted but thankful.

I am emotionally wrecked. 
In a wonderful way and in a sad way. 
My life is being forever changed, no doubt. 


But I am also seeing the true daily life with disability and it breaks my heart. 
All I can do is cry and love these sweet people, and try my best to make their week the best it can be.  

And in the middle of trying to do all of that, they are changing my heart. One by one.

I don't like how I have felt today. I have been battling all day long. Trying to remind myself that God has a plan and a reason for sending me here. I love this camp. I love these people. But it is hard. I'm not even a counselor. I am PR staff. I take pictures. I make videos. I laugh. I spend as much time as I can with campers. My passion is to tell their stories through videos and pictures. To capture emotion and precious moments that could easily be forgotten. 

But I am still wrecked at the end of the day. At the end of the week. 

Pictures found here..oh & creeping with the camera back there on these beautiful campers!


Tonight, I am praying for peace. I am praying for strength. I need my heart to be still.

6.16.2014

be all there..

It's been a good few weeks since I've posted. Trust me, I've tried. But everytime I came to post, I just hit a wall. 

But tonight, my heart is open. It is open and ready to share what it is full of. 
First things first..I said goodbye to my sister a week ago today.. She is up in Nashville at Belmont enjoying her two weeks of SLA. I leave this coming Sunday, the 22nd, and start my journey out at Camp ASCCA. Anxious doesn't even describe what I am. The fact that this time next week I will be winding down my first day there, kinda scares me. Excites me more though. I have no idea what this summer holds for me. I don't know what tomorrow even holds for me..but I do know that God has placed this journey in my life for a reason. A purpose. I cannot wait to see what that purpose is. 


 I love watching myself grow and become a stronger woman

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot. Working on taking things and taking life literally one day at a time. No looking back. No wishing for tomorrow. But focusing on the day that is right in front of me. So far so good. There's been an overwhelming peace flowing through me lately. I'm not quite sure what it is. I love watching myself grow and become a stronger woman.  
 They've let me do my thing, they've allowed me to make my own mistakes



My life hasn't turned out like I always thought and planned it would. That my friends, I am beyond thankful for. I am so thankful that God's plan is so much bigger and so much better than my own plans. Sure, I am 24 almost 25.. been out of high school for 6 years and just now seeing a light at the end of the tunnel for my college career. But I am okay with that. I have been blessed to have a family who supports me. A family that not only rolled their eyes and said "let's see how this goes", when I told them my plans to leave Communication and head to Nursing school..but a family that stood and encouraged me and supported me. Cheered me on. And the day that I came home and told them I was done with Nursing school and I was going back to Comm. they were super supportive. They've let me do my thing, they've allowed me to make my own mistakes. They've let me choose my own walk in my faith. They've disagreed with choices and decisions I was making in my life. They cried for me. They prayed for me. That, I am thankful for. 


This journey of life is a crazy crazy ride. It amazes me and baffles me at the same time. I love walking it out and learning day by day. I love being independent...not needing a man to fulfill my self worth. I love the friends that God has brought and placed in my life in the past couple months. Some friendships have formed that will be here forever. 

It's okay that I may just now be figuring out life and where I am going. Heck, some days I don't even know where I am going. But it's okay. For the first time in years, I am able to enjoy my age, my life, and make decisions without worrying about consequences. 

Some days I don't even know where I am going. But it's okay....



these lyrics, I have been repeating over and over in my heart.. I hope you can find comfort in them for whatever trial you may be walking through...

Your light will shine through the darkness
Your word will calm every crashing wave
My hope it lies in Your promise
My faith it stands on the empty grave" 









5.29.2014

Dear Little Sister....



I'm not going to lie, I really wasn't too thrilled and stuck on the idea of you having the same birthday as me. Like why couldn't mom just wait another day? That was my day. But, when I look at this picture I see such joy. Little did I know the plan that God had for us. Little did I know you would be the golden child and I would be the bad black sheep. Okay, just kidding...but really. 

I've watched you morph and grow and change and become the young woman you are today. We are so different, but yet so much alike. 

Tomorrow you graduate from high school. I am glad you were the second Carruth name to go through.. you left our last name with a good feeling at Prattville High. (sorry if teachers didn't like you at first. That's my fault..) 
The scariest moment of my life so far was the moment I got that diploma in my hand and walked back to my seat. I remember the lump in my throat, and the tears that flowed. I couldn't breathe. I was scared. 
But you, you have so much to look forward to starting. 

It breaks my heart to think about all the years I wasted. I wasted so much time not getting to know you. Not seeing that you were my best friend. You were just that annoying little thing down the hall, who took my things and constantly got me in trouble. But now, now I dread the first nights and first mornings that I walk by your room and you aren't laying in bed reading your Bible, with Hillsong on. Or you aren't hogging all the hot water or busting into my room to borrow a pullover. I dread it. No one to sit across from me at the dinner table. To casually exchange a look when mom or dad is rambling on and lecturing to us. No one to share a chicken leg with(HAHA). 

Life is about to change. It's about to change big time. I have a little over a week left with you. You leave for SLA and then two weeks later, off I go to camp until August. August. August. The month you leave. The month you pack up your cute new car and drive away. Everyone leaves. The past year, everyone has walked out of my life. But you stayed. You saw me. The deep dark place I was in. And you cared. I will never forget the text you sent to me at 1:30AM last June while I was in a bar..drunk. You were asking me if I had heard Hillsong's new song. Immediately I caved and told you everything. What I felt in those few minutes of texting with you, I will never forget. 

There's a Katy Perry song and there is a part that I listen to over and over again:

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free 




Mikayla, you are my best friend. You know me maybe better than I know myself. Your heart is so pure. So on fire for God and for His Kingdom. Your words and actions match up and are always genuine. You are one of a kind. I can't wait to see what God does with your life in this new chapter. 

I thank you for everything. And I thank you for 18 amazing years so far. 
Just think..in August when this hall goes empty, that's going to be new. One day we will be bringing home our husbands and kids to mom and dad's house. Weird. 
I thank you. 
I love you. 
I am PROUD of you.
I am honored to be Mikayla Carruth's sister. 

Now, Go Choctaws!
-meg aka: sissssaaaay.

ps. I love that we have the same birthday.
And I will ALWAYS give you a hard time about your terrible driving skills, sense of direction, and losing things...I mean..that's what big sisters are for!


5.24.2014

Inner

I had this super long post typed up and then I realized It wasn't me. So, I will just sum it all up.

Don't ever and I mean ever let anyone tell you that your inner beauty is not worthy. That your inner beauty is ugly. 

They don't know your heart. God does. Those who love you know. 
Don't let the insecurities of others in this world even bother you. 

If you are truly living for The Lord and for His Kingdom..
Your inner beauty will be the most spectacular and genuine beauty there is. 

5.14.2014

My question..

This morning as I was laying in my hammock (yes, once again) listening to the rain....I came across something that stopped me in my tracks. Which eventually led me to this...


Yes, I know. I talk about this often. But it's because it literally hurts my heart to see young women these days think that they have to have a man to be someone. To be complete. 

wake up wake up wake up!!!!

That's really what I want to yell! Yes, having that significant other is always so fun and it's a feeling that we love. I get it. I do. 

But embrace this time. Embrace this time you have to yourself. Your friends, your family. With God.
Let this time help you grow..figure out who you are.

Here lately I have had people question why I am not with someone or why I don't date so&so, and so&so likes me and I need to wake up. Uhh...my reply...I'm awake. Thank you. And maybe I don't want to date so&so. Maybe I don't want to date just to date. 


This one gets me too...well he just must be crazy. He doesn't even know what he is missing out on. 

Okay, true. 

But...maybe I am glad he may be crazy and is missing out..maybe I am glad he walked away. Not everything is going to work how we want it too. 
And that my friends, I am T H A N K F U L for.
If it wasn't suppose to work out with that person then end of story! That just means that there is someone out there that it is meant to workout with. Someone who is better for you. Someone who God sees fit for you. 
 
So here is my question....
Ladies when are we going to stop dating just to say we have a boyfriend? When are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself and trying to throw pity parties because your girls are having date night with their men and you aren't? When are you going to see yourself how God sees you? When are you going to realize that being "single" isn't a bad thing. When are you going to stop talking down to yourself because you don't have a man? Seriously. I am on my soapbox this morning... I ain't even playing. 

STOP STOP STOP.

Figure out who you are. LOVE yourself.
And remember what and WHO defines your worth.