7.21.2014

Wrecked.

It's been a little over a month since I last posted. For the past almost 5 weeks I have been out here working PR at camp. There really aren't words that can describe how amazing this place is. How amazing the people are here: campers and staff. 

Pictures found here.

But today, today I am struggling. I thought I was past this point of struggle. Today I felt my heart break a little. Today I questioned myself and my strength. I questioned myself if I can really handle this...emotionally and mentally. This place leaves such an impact on your life. Your heart. Your thoughts. I questioned and questioned and questioned myself. 

As I sit here in our little office, I see a picture of my sister and I on my desk. I hear her words and I feel her prayers for me. But I am struggling. Usually I can put on a smile and forget what's hurting. But today, no smile was put on and it seemed as though all my strength had disappeared. My heart is exhausted but yet so full.
My mind is exhausted but thankful.

I am emotionally wrecked. 
In a wonderful way and in a sad way. 
My life is being forever changed, no doubt. 


But I am also seeing the true daily life with disability and it breaks my heart. 
All I can do is cry and love these sweet people, and try my best to make their week the best it can be.  

And in the middle of trying to do all of that, they are changing my heart. One by one.

I don't like how I have felt today. I have been battling all day long. Trying to remind myself that God has a plan and a reason for sending me here. I love this camp. I love these people. But it is hard. I'm not even a counselor. I am PR staff. I take pictures. I make videos. I laugh. I spend as much time as I can with campers. My passion is to tell their stories through videos and pictures. To capture emotion and precious moments that could easily be forgotten. 

But I am still wrecked at the end of the day. At the end of the week. 

Pictures found here..oh & creeping with the camera back there on these beautiful campers!


Tonight, I am praying for peace. I am praying for strength. I need my heart to be still.

6.16.2014

be all there..

It's been a good few weeks since I've posted. Trust me, I've tried. But everytime I came to post, I just hit a wall. 

But tonight, my heart is open. It is open and ready to share what it is full of. 
First things first..I said goodbye to my sister a week ago today.. She is up in Nashville at Belmont enjoying her two weeks of SLA. I leave this coming Sunday, the 22nd, and start my journey out at Camp ASCCA. Anxious doesn't even describe what I am. The fact that this time next week I will be winding down my first day there, kinda scares me. Excites me more though. I have no idea what this summer holds for me. I don't know what tomorrow even holds for me..but I do know that God has placed this journey in my life for a reason. A purpose. I cannot wait to see what that purpose is. 


 I love watching myself grow and become a stronger woman

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot. Working on taking things and taking life literally one day at a time. No looking back. No wishing for tomorrow. But focusing on the day that is right in front of me. So far so good. There's been an overwhelming peace flowing through me lately. I'm not quite sure what it is. I love watching myself grow and become a stronger woman.  
 They've let me do my thing, they've allowed me to make my own mistakes



My life hasn't turned out like I always thought and planned it would. That my friends, I am beyond thankful for. I am so thankful that God's plan is so much bigger and so much better than my own plans. Sure, I am 24 almost 25.. been out of high school for 6 years and just now seeing a light at the end of the tunnel for my college career. But I am okay with that. I have been blessed to have a family who supports me. A family that not only rolled their eyes and said "let's see how this goes", when I told them my plans to leave Communication and head to Nursing school..but a family that stood and encouraged me and supported me. Cheered me on. And the day that I came home and told them I was done with Nursing school and I was going back to Comm. they were super supportive. They've let me do my thing, they've allowed me to make my own mistakes. They've let me choose my own walk in my faith. They've disagreed with choices and decisions I was making in my life. They cried for me. They prayed for me. That, I am thankful for. 


This journey of life is a crazy crazy ride. It amazes me and baffles me at the same time. I love walking it out and learning day by day. I love being independent...not needing a man to fulfill my self worth. I love the friends that God has brought and placed in my life in the past couple months. Some friendships have formed that will be here forever. 

It's okay that I may just now be figuring out life and where I am going. Heck, some days I don't even know where I am going. But it's okay. For the first time in years, I am able to enjoy my age, my life, and make decisions without worrying about consequences. 

Some days I don't even know where I am going. But it's okay....



these lyrics, I have been repeating over and over in my heart.. I hope you can find comfort in them for whatever trial you may be walking through...

Your light will shine through the darkness
Your word will calm every crashing wave
My hope it lies in Your promise
My faith it stands on the empty grave" 









5.29.2014

Dear Little Sister....



I'm not going to lie, I really wasn't too thrilled and stuck on the idea of you having the same birthday as me. Like why couldn't mom just wait another day? That was my day. But, when I look at this picture I see such joy. Little did I know the plan that God had for us. Little did I know you would be the golden child and I would be the bad black sheep. Okay, just kidding...but really. 

I've watched you morph and grow and change and become the young woman you are today. We are so different, but yet so much alike. 

Tomorrow you graduate from high school. I am glad you were the second Carruth name to go through.. you left our last name with a good feeling at Prattville High. (sorry if teachers didn't like you at first. That's my fault..) 
The scariest moment of my life so far was the moment I got that diploma in my hand and walked back to my seat. I remember the lump in my throat, and the tears that flowed. I couldn't breathe. I was scared. 
But you, you have so much to look forward to starting. 

It breaks my heart to think about all the years I wasted. I wasted so much time not getting to know you. Not seeing that you were my best friend. You were just that annoying little thing down the hall, who took my things and constantly got me in trouble. But now, now I dread the first nights and first mornings that I walk by your room and you aren't laying in bed reading your Bible, with Hillsong on. Or you aren't hogging all the hot water or busting into my room to borrow a pullover. I dread it. No one to sit across from me at the dinner table. To casually exchange a look when mom or dad is rambling on and lecturing to us. No one to share a chicken leg with(HAHA). 

Life is about to change. It's about to change big time. I have a little over a week left with you. You leave for SLA and then two weeks later, off I go to camp until August. August. August. The month you leave. The month you pack up your cute new car and drive away. Everyone leaves. The past year, everyone has walked out of my life. But you stayed. You saw me. The deep dark place I was in. And you cared. I will never forget the text you sent to me at 1:30AM last June while I was in a bar..drunk. You were asking me if I had heard Hillsong's new song. Immediately I caved and told you everything. What I felt in those few minutes of texting with you, I will never forget. 

There's a Katy Perry song and there is a part that I listen to over and over again:

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free 




Mikayla, you are my best friend. You know me maybe better than I know myself. Your heart is so pure. So on fire for God and for His Kingdom. Your words and actions match up and are always genuine. You are one of a kind. I can't wait to see what God does with your life in this new chapter. 

I thank you for everything. And I thank you for 18 amazing years so far. 
Just think..in August when this hall goes empty, that's going to be new. One day we will be bringing home our husbands and kids to mom and dad's house. Weird. 
I thank you. 
I love you. 
I am PROUD of you.
I am honored to be Mikayla Carruth's sister. 

Now, Go Choctaws!
-meg aka: sissssaaaay.

ps. I love that we have the same birthday.
And I will ALWAYS give you a hard time about your terrible driving skills, sense of direction, and losing things...I mean..that's what big sisters are for!


5.24.2014

Inner

I had this super long post typed up and then I realized It wasn't me. So, I will just sum it all up.

Don't ever and I mean ever let anyone tell you that your inner beauty is not worthy. That your inner beauty is ugly. 

They don't know your heart. God does. Those who love you know. 
Don't let the insecurities of others in this world even bother you. 

If you are truly living for The Lord and for His Kingdom..
Your inner beauty will be the most spectacular and genuine beauty there is. 

5.14.2014

My question..

This morning as I was laying in my hammock (yes, once again) listening to the rain....I came across something that stopped me in my tracks. Which eventually led me to this...


Yes, I know. I talk about this often. But it's because it literally hurts my heart to see young women these days think that they have to have a man to be someone. To be complete. 

wake up wake up wake up!!!!

That's really what I want to yell! Yes, having that significant other is always so fun and it's a feeling that we love. I get it. I do. 

But embrace this time. Embrace this time you have to yourself. Your friends, your family. With God.
Let this time help you grow..figure out who you are.

Here lately I have had people question why I am not with someone or why I don't date so&so, and so&so likes me and I need to wake up. Uhh...my reply...I'm awake. Thank you. And maybe I don't want to date so&so. Maybe I don't want to date just to date. 


This one gets me too...well he just must be crazy. He doesn't even know what he is missing out on. 

Okay, true. 

But...maybe I am glad he may be crazy and is missing out..maybe I am glad he walked away. Not everything is going to work how we want it too. 
And that my friends, I am T H A N K F U L for.
If it wasn't suppose to work out with that person then end of story! That just means that there is someone out there that it is meant to workout with. Someone who is better for you. Someone who God sees fit for you. 
 
So here is my question....
Ladies when are we going to stop dating just to say we have a boyfriend? When are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself and trying to throw pity parties because your girls are having date night with their men and you aren't? When are you going to see yourself how God sees you? When are you going to realize that being "single" isn't a bad thing. When are you going to stop talking down to yourself because you don't have a man? Seriously. I am on my soapbox this morning... I ain't even playing. 

STOP STOP STOP.

Figure out who you are. LOVE yourself.
And remember what and WHO defines your worth.

5.12.2014

It hit me.

Currently, I am laying in my hammock on my grandparent's back porch. In Mississippi. Tristan Prettyman "Say Anything" is streaming from my laptop. There is a nice cool breeze, and I hear little voices and laughter of kids in the yard over.. annnnd occasionally a scream of someone telling on the other. I've been here almost 24 hours and I think I have come to realize more than I have in the past couple weeks. 



Last week I was laying by my pool with my friend K. We got to talking about recent events and our honest thoughts on them. I will never forget this moment... she looks over at me and says "You're a strong person. I've read your blog and I see how you are handling this. You are one of the strongest people I have ever seen. I am just being real." Those words are still ringing in my mind. 

For so long I never understood why I crossed certain things that I did. But today, while sitting on the boat and watching my pawpaw drive on the Reservoir that I pretty much grew up on every weekend of my little life...it hit me. It hit me square in the face. Right in the heart. 



It hit me. I am human. I am not stone. But I try so hard. I try so hard to smile and choose joy in the hard times and the good times. I want God to use me and my life to impact someone else. To help others. So many people think they are alone. But you're not. You're not alone. I am positive there is someone out there that can relate to what you are going through right now. I don't try  to be strong. I personally think I am far from strong. I think each day, yes, I get stronger with God's help. But the fact that K said that to me, it means more than she will ever know.

I think it's because I felt stuck for so long. I felt stuck. Like that was my life and that was it. But once I stepped out in faith and made decision after decision, I slowly saw every puzzle piece that I had carefully placed in step with the other pieces, scatter. S C A T T E R.  

This puzzle of life isn't suppose to be put together by my hands. 

I think that's why I look at things how I do now. Each day and each occurrence is that puzzle coming together by God's hands.

If you're facing this in life right now, putting your own pieces together, you're not stuck. 
This is actually perfect timing for you to hand the puzzle over to God. 

So what if a relationship didn't turn out how you thought it would. So what if you didn't get the job you were wanting all along. There is better.  
Remember that rejection is God's protection. 


We are each walking our own story. I hope that by me sharing things that are happening in my life, can maybe inspire you. Or even just let you know that you're not alone. It's okay to not understand and it's okay to be confused. But usually when things are like that, that's when God is getting everything in place. So embrace it. Love it. Smile. 

Take a deep breath, and hand the pieces over.

5.09.2014

It's all about you.

Thankful that I can wake up in the morning and know I had and have respect for myself. 
That I didn't let the world sway me. 
That I didn't let pressure get to me.

Thankful that even though my heart is hurting, I can still smile. 
That I have joy. 
That no matter what, I am choosing to see the good.

Thankful for the rain that is falling on me while I am laying in this hammock.
That I can feel each drop hit my skin.
It's almost cleansing. 
It's a new day, yesterday is gone.

Thankful that God protects us. 
That He knows who is good for us and who isn't.

Honestly, I can't say much right now. Yes, things happen in life and we just don't understand. A week later and my head is done spinning, but my heart is still hurting. It's wondering how someone can change so quickly, and not another word. It's wondering how many times I am going to put it through aches. It's wondering when it can finally relax and be. 

Yes, I could be like other girls. Yes, I could be sleeping with guys..and waking up the next morning and looking over to see someone that I know, but that I don't really know. Tucking away all the guilt and shame, and just telling myself it's normal these days. I could disrespect myself in many ways. But I am choosing not to. I am choosing to stand my way, even when it makes me look "not cool". Even when it makes me look weird. I am standing it. I won't change my mind, either. The thing is, is that, a man that is worth it, will respect you. He will respect your values, your decisions. He will respect your heart. He will treat it as so. 

Ladies, if you don't respect yourself, do you really think a man will respect you?
Seriously. No.

How you view and treat yourself, is how others are going to view and treat you. Act accordingly.