6.09.2015

without fear//

There I was 40 minutes later, in Auburn. Wearing my favorite under armour shorts and a XL rays t shirt. My makeup was pretty set in on my face from church that morning and my hair had its soft waves from the curls that morning. I can't do this. I don't know these people. What if they don't like me? This is going to be a waste of time because I'm just going to not even come back. My phone vibrated and it was K.. her exact texts were:
"you turning around and going home is letting your negativity and doubt win. Go to small group. Life was not made for us to go through alone Meg. Go in, be transparent, LET THEM LOVE YOU. Let them love you dang it. They are great"
SO..what did I do? I listened to her...as usual.  The next two and a half hours were nothing but refreshing. Here I was, with about 20 girls I have never laid eyes on or spoken to. Young women from all different walks of life. And all in different stages of life. But the one thing we all had in common was that we aren't alone. It was so comforting to hear that each girl was walking through a struggle. 

It made me feel less crazy and more normal. Whatever normal is. 

I left with a feeling of....well I'm not sure. I felt good. I felt like I wasn't sure what God's purpose was for me there but by the end of the night I knew there was a purpose

Fast forward 24 hours. As I'm dozing off in bed, K texted me again with a song to listen to. Then as we got to talking she shared somethings she had gotten from her small group that night and it was just what I needed. I'm so distracted with the idea that I do not deserve love.  That I'm not worthy of letting anyone love me. I put up barriers so that I won't be hurt. This is my way of thinking: letting someone love me leads to hurt. Right? No, WRONG. I try to "sabotage" every thing that comes my way because I don't think I deserve it. How heartbreaking is that? I mean really? That's probably more heartbreaking than most things. To see someone who doesn't think they are worthy of love.  

Out of this rises insecurities. Insecurities that you don't even know are there. Insecurities that I never even thought about. And it's scary because I'm such a confident person. I know who I am and what I deserve and what I want. But when I let my mind get to thinking and overthinking, that all is broken down and the thoughts of being undeserving arise. Maybe this comes from the sorry people from before who didn't know how to love others. 
 Please tell me I'm not the only one that this happens too.

It just blows my mind. It's like I fail to remember that God's love is perfect. And that perfect love casts out all fear. 
There is no fear in God's perfect love. 

I've made a decision to remind myself of this daily. I can't be afraid that I'm undeserving of love from anyone. I can't be afraid to let people into my life. I know I can't go through this life alone. And I also know that God's word says that I am so so so deserving of good. I am deserving of  friendships full of God's love. I am deserving of relationships that teach me and help me grow and make me happy and allow me to experience how to love and how to be loved.

 I am so deserving and worthy... As are you. 

I am so thankful for the people God has brought into my life in the last few days and in the last few months. I am being challenged and facing things that I have always avoided because I never knew how strong they would make me. And all the while, these people are still here. Little do they know how much that means to me. Thankful.

Whatever it is that you are fearful about, let the fear go and let God's love consume you. Consume you so fully and overflow with it. Fear isn't something we experience when we are truly experiencing God's love. 

So, here's to taking steps into the unknown of new beginnings without fear.

photo credits: Sarah McCallister 

6.05.2015

it's not all the same//

Here I sit. On my bed. Sun-burnt like crazy. And a heart full of words to get out. 
Over the years, I've been nothing but straight up honest on here with you guys..and I continue to do that. I don't sugarcoat things, I don't feel the need to write on certain topics. This is raw. Straight from my heart and what needs to be said. 

Last September I shared with you all about my battle with depression... 
(you can read that post here)

Shortly after that post was written I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. I just didn't want to become dependent on them and have to have them. I really saw how strong I was and I knew I wasn't facing the battle alone. So, here I am 9 months later and still off my anti-depressants. It's weird, I'll be honest. Some days I still wake up and go to take them and then remember I haven't had them in 9 months. I have definitely had my ups and downs, highs and lows. Moments of complete weakness and moments that were defining.  Majority of the days I am perfectly fine..and then I have some off days..which is okay.

Photo Credits: Sarah McCallister


Here lately I am trying to learn to control my emotions. I never had to deal with emotions or thoughts, because they were all numbed for many many months. 

The last mmm week or so I've had a lot of emotional days and stressful moments. I don't think that I've dealt with them the best way either. I did, however, find that being quiet and just processing what was said or processing the emotion really helps. I take my time thinking about things before responding. It may seem rude or odd but we all know I'm a thinker. An overthinker. 

Which brings me to this. 
I'm so afraid that by me still working on this and controlling my emotions and my stress is going to push people I care about away. I feel confident that I'm in a good spot and that they understand. But the fear is there. We get so used to people walking away and out of our lives that the only thought that creeps up when a bit of rockiness hits is that they are going to just walk away. Not every person is like the last. Not every person is going to quit and walk away when they see you in a struggle. The ones who truly care for you will stick through it with you. Encouraging you. They may not understand completely, and that's okay- but they try. And trying is an A+ in my book. 

BUT- you also can't let the struggle define you and your circumstances. You can't use it as an excuse constantly. It's no reason to be mean or hateful. No reason to be upset all the time. You need to cry? Then cry it out until you feel better. But don't bottle it up on in the inside and then drop it like a bomb on someone. Be honest and open. 

The last few days I have been super emotional. All the reasons why? I'm not entirely sure. But I do think it's because I'm just learning how to process emotions and feelings again. I'm learning that sometimes things do hurt. And if you're anything like me...having a big heart is an amazing thing. But, sometimes it can hurt. You want to help everyone and make sure everyone is happy. You feel emotion so much harder. You take things way more personal...and that's not our fault. That's just part of having a big heart. And it's all okay. 



My point of this post is this:
No matter what you're facing, remember- it doesn't define your circumstances. Struggle brings strength. The ones who care for you will stand by you and won't leave you. If you've got a big heart..GOOD. If you've got a big heart and you're a woman...well that's a double whammy because we women are emotional anyways. So it's like tripled emotion. 

You're past isn't the present or the future. Not everyone is the same. And not everyone is going to walk away. And definitely don't punish the ones in front of you because you're scared of the past repeating.

Remember how great life really is. It's so sweet. But it's so short. Don't let whatever you're facing get in the way of  life.

Press into God's word and just spend time with Him. 

This verse has been on repeat in my mind and heart all day long: 

"When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1:2-4

5.16.2015

it wasn't your best//

So, here I sit. Once again, on my bed. Letting my nail polish dry. Some music on, and a heart full of words.

I'm not really sure what this post will be about, or where it will go.. but I guess we'll see! My heart just has so many words flowing through it and the only way I know how to handle that is to just write it out. 

The past couple months I've been watching God work tremendously in my life. And it puts me in awe. I'm watching prayers that I've prayed many times a day for eight months, being answered. I'm not really sure where these things are going or what is going to happen, but what I am so confident in is the fact that I know I am exactly where I need to be. 100% positive of that. And never in my life have I been 100% positive if I was where God was needing me and wanting me to be. I've always doubted and questioned if I was where I was suppose to be. 

Which brings me to this- the past. So many times we choose to hold onto the past and those in it. While doing this, we don't really see how it's affecting the now. Hindering you from realizing and enjoying what is right in front of you. **let me make note: I'm in no way preaching, I struggled with this too people. And I am just now finally seeing what harm it caused in my life. 

Holding onto the past is like poison. Slowly seeping into your every day life. Your friendships and relationships. Your vision. You aren't seeing things for what they really are. You're still comparing the now to the before. And slowly, but surely, you're breaking yourself down and creating issues that wouldn't be there to begin with. 

I believe with my whole heart that everything happens for a reason. People come into our lives for a reason and then they are taken out of our lives for a reason. You can't argue that either. I believe that time wasn't wasted. I think no matter how much time was spent on someone or something, it was a learning process. Say that with me -learning- process. There is always something new to be learned. No matter the situation. God is in the middle of every situation and battle you face- so of course there is going to be something to learn. Sure, we went back to that ex one too many times (I know we've all done it). Okay, so we fell for another line and fell into the trap and dove in head first and now here you are again. Standing there not understanding what went wrong and what happened. You may never understand. And that's okay- there are many many things in this life that are not meant for us to understand. 

We can't make people change. We can't save them. And we surely can't make them love us. But what we can do is to remember that there is a purpose. A purpose for whatever you've faced or whatever you are facing. It's so so so so important to leave the past in the past. Delete the phone numbers, delete the pictures, remove yourself away from that group of people. I don't care if they were your best friend, the "love of your life" ... Do what you need to do...because if you don't, then how are you ever going to be truly happy? I mean really..it's not possible. Accept it for what it was. It is what it is. 

You guys, I had the hardest time with this. I did. And then one day I woke up and I just knew in my heart that God had so much more for me. He didn't create me to live in depression and in the past. He doesn't want me to hold onto something or someone that He removed from my life for a reason. I couldn't keep rereading that chapter over and over again and continuing to make myself miserable. I was blind to my worthiness and how loved I really am. I forgot my passions and my dreams. I was going through the motions day after day after day. But when I made the decision to let it all go, that's when I started seeing things. The people in front of me. The decisions I wanted to make. The happiness that I had longed for. My heart has not been this happy in...well, I don't really know how long. But a long long time. I'm at such peace and so content. So confident in the fact that God is in control and knows what my heart deserves. Just like He knows what  your heart deserves. So don't be blinded by everything you're holding onto from the past. 

So....
IT SUCKS. I GET IT.
But trust me, please just trust me when I say, there is much much better out there. 
But I mean like really...who wants to hold onto something that brought so much pain? Exactly..no body does. Delete it, but never forget what it taught you. 

Keep the past where it is..the past. Not your now. Not your future. You might miss out on some really amazing things and people if you decide to keep letting it into your life. 

So, make the decision to walk away. 
You gave it your best and it wasn't the best that God HAS for you. 

Photo credits: Sarah McCallister




5.10.2015

Get with it//

Okay guys, it's time to get real...for real. Down and dirty and uncomfortable. I don't care if you don't like it...don't read it. Yes, I said that.

What is it today that makes it okay to play games? To play with hearts and emotions like we're playing with a deck of cards? Or playing hopscotch on the playground. What is it? Why have we allowed it to happen? Better yet, why have we allowed it to get as far as it has?

We gripe and complain because we can't find someone-well maybe you should look at how you're going about it all. Make some adjustments.

I don't know about you, but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We sometimes have to go down the dead end roads. We sometimes have to take the wrong turn. Not just so we could say that we did, but for us to learn from it and to know and understand that we are going to face opposition and battles. That we will make mistakes. And the biggest thing we need to take from those things is the strength that lies in it. So I say that to lead me to this...

If we've been hurt and we've made it through the heartbreak and the tears, then why do we allow ourselves to get into situations that really are setting us up for pain and tears? It's like we're too scared to be honest and say what we really want, so we just play along and pretend we are okay with "whatever this is, whatever we are" until someone gets tired of it and decides to stop talking. I mean why is this okay? Where is the respect? Respect for yourself. Respect for the other person. Why would we make it through the storm and then just settle? I mean this really baffles me. This fires me up and makes me angry.

The fact that guys can "pursue" me and think that they can play me? No. That's not how it works..at all. I'm not the woman you play games with. I'm a woman who knows her worth. Who knows what she brings to the table. A woman who knows what she deserves and will not be settling for less. I don't waste my time on pursuing something with someone if I don't see it going anywhere. 

Is it because people are so afraid of love these days? Afraid of commitment? Afraid of being happy? I just don't understand. And I'm wondering when will I ever understand. People mess around with these little games and then they wonder why they lost a good thing. They portray themselves to be so genuine and a person of character...then with time, who they are starts to show. And you see that there is nothing genuine about their pursuit for you. 


You guys, let's stop the crap. Man up. Woman up. Say what's on your mind. Stop being so afraid of rejection. Rejection is God's protection. 


Stop the games. Stop the mixed signals and the "i kinda like you but I kinda don't but I do. But I don't want a girlfriend/boyfriend right now..." It's about as simple as your ABC's. 

so, remember your worth and what you deserve. Trust me, there is someone out there that is going to realize and see how amazing you are. And when you find that person--- never let them go.

get with it. 


4.16.2015

choose to sing//

It's hard letting go of a life you thought you'd be living. A life with someone that just not completed you, but added to your already completed soul. Someone who became your best friend in a matter of moments. Someone whose eyes you can still see when you close yours. Someone that no matter what you do or where you go, you just can't seem to shake off.  

This someone just completed the puzzle. Put the final piece in there and it just seemed like all the confusion and heartbreaks before, were just leading you to this. To this person. 

And then, one day- the texts get shorter, the phone calls don't come. Then all of a sudden that person is silent. Completely out of your life. No explanation, no reasoning. Not a damn thing. And there you are. Standing there. Like a Taylor Swift song. Wondering what you did wrong. Wondering what you could have done differently. The plans made, the bond established. You wouldn't have seen this coming. But it happened. And here you are. Trying to figure it out. Trying to understand that the missing puzzle piece wasn't quite the right fit. But you thought it was. And you scroll Instagram. You scroll through Twitter and Facebook...just hoping to see some interaction from that person. Desperation? No. Just something that will take some time to get use to. 

***let me say..I am thankful for the months I have endured that were full of the hopelessness I felt. The tears that streamed down my face. The nights I felt like would ever end. God was holding me. And He wasn't letting go. I am a much stronger woman today than I ever thought I could be. I know that the life I thought I was going to have is nothing compared to life that God has for me. He removes people from our lives for a reason. Not because they are bad. Just because they can't go with us to where He is taking us next. That's not a part of their journey. Be thankful for this. 


I'm so.....hopeful. I think that's the word I want to use. I saw a quote on Instagram that said "I could fill a lake with all the things I left unsaid"... and that hit me. I'm not the type of person to hold things back. I'm not the girl to leave things unsaid. I believe in love. I believe in loving hard. If it means something to you, then you better show it or someone else will. I know it's scary. Unrequited love. The other person not feeling exactly how you do. But how would you ever know unless you opened your mouth? 

I can look back and know that I never let anything go unsaid. I said how I felt. I meant what I said. I said what I meant. But, he didn't. That's what needs to be brought to attention. He didn't feel what I felt. And if he did, he surely didn't say it. Look at your situation. Are you the only one talking about things? If so, you need to walk away. You aren't going to "change" them. You aren't going to "make them come around"...because if they felt what you wanted them to feel then they'd be there emotionally and mentally. Come on, remember your worth.


I'm so thankful that endings are new beginnings. 
We each carry a little bit of each relationship with us and that's fine. We take what we learned from it. We grow. We develop. We become who we are meant to be. Every person plays a role in our life. Some for a long period of time and some for just a short time. Don't hold back. Don't be afraid. 

I have no regrets. I know God has a plan for my life. I know He is strengthening my heart and preparing me for what's to come. If you would just take a step back and turn away from whatever it is that is hindering you, you could flourish. But instead, you hope and pray that a mind will be changed. All the while God is just waiting for you to see that it's not going to happen. 

If I've learned anything in this trial in the last 8 months, it's that God is going to do what HIS plan calls for. 
He's the one in control. Not me. And the tighter I held onto something that needed to be let go, the further and further I turned away from God. Then the anger towards God came. It was just a mess. M E S S Y. But when I finally accepted that God indeed knows what He's doing, everything became calm. It was still confusing and hurt so badly. But I knew that He would bring peace to the chaos in my heart and my mind. That He would still my heart. He did. 

So many days and nights I would just ask God to help me..that whatever was in front of me to just help me to sing hallelujah. And He did.

So today, here I am. Learning to be still and to wait on God. Not worrying about being pursued. Not trying to understand. Just here. Enjoying myself. Enjoying life. Becoming the woman God has planned for me to be. Pursuing my faith and walk with Him more and more. And when the hurt creeps in with memories, I just smile..because those memories are amazing. 


Don't ever think when something ends that you've wasted love. 
I think one of the most beautiful things is being vulnerable and real. Showing how you really feel. 
Why be like everyone else and play the stupid games? Why not text first? Stop listening to society on dating. Stop listening to society on rules of love. You love how you want and wish everyone else good luck with the way they are doing it. 

Just remember to be you. KNOW that God is with you. And remember your worth and what you deserve. And don't ever settle.




3.28.2015

This is real//

Finally. Finally, someone saw into the depths of my soul and understood me. 
I am so so thankful for friendship. Especially a friendship that is full of God's love. 

I can still hear the words I was saying as my voice cracked and I was fighting the tears last night. It's not about him anymore, Kelly. It's not about moving on-I'm past that. It's about my soul and how broken and weak it feels. How it aches and longs to be whole. 

I stood there in the parking garage, saying these words as K and I were ending girl's night and going our separate ways. I kept thinking to myself ,"Ugh I have been great all week. Things have been looking up. Why the tears now"
Immediately K made me get in the car and we sat and talked for what seemed like hours when really it was maybe an hour. She asked questions, I gave answers. Earlier at dinner we had talked about how Satan sees our weaknesses and he does whatever he can to grab hold of those weakness and use them against you. To pull you further from God's plan. It made total sense. Complete and total sense. I've always known and thought  this but honestly, I've never really experienced it to the extent that I am experiencing it right now. It's crazy you guys. Hour after hour after hour every single day, satan is pulling hard. He is pouring salt in wounds that have been healing. 

For months I have been trying to be so strong and make myself okay. For example: I park in the parking deck downtown. Always. During baseball season, during offseason. But this parking garage holds a meaning to me now. So to be "strong" I've continued parking there just to make myself see that I can be okay. But really, each time the night winds down and I head to the car in the deck- I feel so worn down and my spirit just aches. That's usually when the tears come. K made a good point that as silly as it sounds, the parking deck is a weakness for me. It's an open door and a way for satan to make a move... to remind me and make me believe that I'm not strong. That God is punishing me. That I'm not worthy of being loved by anyone.  You guys this is real. And it's SCARY. I'm not going to lie. Not going to sugar coat. It is scary. But that's what is expected from satan. Lies. Deceit. Hurt. Pain. Condemnation. Nothing and I mean nothing that God is apart of. Ever. 

I'm so thankful that God brought K into my life in the past year. She's listened to me cry my heart out. She's watched me at my weakest. She knows that it's not about a silly boy anymore. She understands and knows that Spiritual warfare is so real. And up until yesterday, I didn't even think about it. I didn't. But she did. She knows that God has such a plan for my life and that satan is trying everything in his power to stop it. And duh, of course she's not going to let that happen on her watch (insert hand flip emoji) 

What I'm saying is that whatever you're facing, keep pushing. God will carry you when you can't go any further. Cry if you need to. Yell if you need to. But understand that the feelings of unworthiness and of hate and hurt and condemnation are NOT from God. Period. That is all from the devil himself and he HAS been overcome. Guard your heart. Know that God can fulfill your soul in a way that no one else can. He can heal. He does heal. Yes, this is a tiring battle and you're so ready for this battle to be over and to be on the other side of the battle already. Trust me, I'm right there with ya. 7 months of this and I am just worn out. I don't like living like this. I don't like the feeling of being weak. I don't like crying. But these are the times when we need to press into God and His word even more. Focus on your strengths. Give your weaknesses to God and let Him fill those in with His strength. Figure out your weaknesses and change it. Example: Me. That stupid parking garage. I won't be parking there anymore. Not for church, not for dinner, not for games. No more. This may sound so silly but it's something that is so real. Satan knows my weakness is full of memories there and he uses those to make me feel unworthy and that a silly boy is the cause of that. NO. That boy has nothing to do with this anymore. (Like I mentioned before)-- I hope this is making sense. It makes sense in my mind. But we all know my mind is always in world of Megan land. 

God is opening doors and He is closing doors. I have been given the chance to minister to a whole new group of people in my life. You can be sure that I will do whatever I need to do to make sure I fulfill that duty. God has entrusted that with me. I know that there will be healing with others and within myself...and I know this because God is in the center and all around it. He is our Healer. 

I've had "Broken Vessels" by Hillsong on repeat since Sunday. Amazing. Go listen. 


I want to leave you guys with a couple verses that I am clinging to, and I pray they bring something to you!

Psalm 139: 15-18
"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion as I was woven together inthe dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in YOUR book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Oh, How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. I can't even count them! They outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are STILL WITH ME."

And now the verse that I remind myself of 4298758times day. not even kidding. LOL

Job 23:10
"But He knows where I am going. And when He tests me, I will come out as pure gold."


And to the one who was a HUGE part of this post...

Thank you for being one of the best friends I have ever had. Thank you for endless laughs with me. Thank you for praying for me and with me. For listening to me. For encouraging me and for cheering me on. God has handpicked and formed a friendship based around Him and it will last a lifetime and forever more. Plus, I wouldn't wanna take french fries from any Bammer with anyone else but you! Love love love. 



3.15.2015

He makes me brave//

You know those days, the days where things are going okay and you're feeling good? But then out of nowhere, something hits you and it rocks your world? And not a good world rocker. It's one that completely and totally shatters you. Where it breaks apart every hope you have. Where it makes you question what is going on. 

I stand with so many questions
But you know all of the answers
And whether this side of Heaven 
I know that You are the healer

Photo Credits: Sarah McCallister 

Today, that happened. I was at the ballgame, perfectly content and so happy to be watching ball and enjoying the weather. (It's been close to perfect here.) My phone died and I was actually relieved. So when I got in the car and plugged it in-- a flood of texts came through, But one in particular stuck out. I read it. And I think I stopped breathing. My heart raced and I just felt the tears streaming. After a solid 3 hours of confusion and crying and a hot bath with a glass of wine, here I sit. Curled up on my bed with some music on. My head throbbing. My heart aching. My mind and my spirit just trying to figure out what God is doing right now. 

I'll be honest, I'm so confused. I am still trying to heal and honestly not much progress has been made. When I start to feel good and hopeful, somehow I end up back at step 1. 

I feel so weak and so broken. And with what I found out today, I'm trying to figure out how in the world God is expecting me to heal. In a short few weeks, I am going to be faced with a situation that I honestly wasn't expecting in a million years. It's crucial that I make sure to find my strength in God. He makes me brave. 

And my heart will stay steadfast
I know that You are good

I basically have two options.
1. Continue to stress and stress and stress..which will do nothing but tear me apart. 
2. Let God be God. Let Him do what He does. 

--
I feel like I am just on a merry go round right now. Always coming back around to this. But tonight, I am over it. I am over this.. can you relate? Your heart is just so exhausted. So done with feeling broken and hopeless. Searching for more. Knowing God has so much more for you to do and a life that doesn't involve walking around day to day just trying to smile. Just trying to get through the day.

Life is so unpredictable. It's so scary. It's confusing. But life is good. It's exciting. It's worth it. Life is so worth it you guys. Just know that whatever battle you are facing and whatever is rocking your world in a not good way, that God is here. 

Comforter You are to me
Shelter from the cold
Constant how you carry me
Never letting go
You are with me

One of my best friends on the phone tonight- as I was sobbing and trying to catch my breath, she said "meg, I don't know what's going to happen for you in the next few weeks/months. I have no idea. But what I do know is that you won't be going through this alone." That hit me. It's easy to forget and to just automatically think we are going to be walking through this battle alone. But we aren't. The Lord will go before us. He will steady us. He will fight for you. 

So, I gave myself tonight to cry and get out all my emotions and feelings. The anger I was feeling. The anxiety. The fear. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and go about my day. Two/Three weeks from now when this happens, I will do the same. I'll go about my day and I will remember that God has this. He knows who belongs in my life and who doesn't. He knows my heart and how much pain it's been carrying. This is either going to make me stronger, or make me see why things have gone how they have the last 7 months. I am thinking it'll be both.

Your voice holds me together
When I feel like I'm falling apart
I place my world in Your hands
You come and steady my heart


"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit." - Ps. 34:18