from the ashes

I know life is hard. It's rough. It gets so tough. The only thing you feel you have energy left for is to just quit. Heck, you're not sure you even have the tiny bit of energy that it takes to quit. Life can suck.
Especially in the times when you're just questioning everything. Everything you've worked so hard for, everything that you know. When it all goes to shambles and you're just left standing, wondering what the heck is going on. How one day things are so normal and great and then the next morning you wake up and it all starts to go downhill. You never saw it coming. In these moments giving up is the most desirable thing. It's the one thing that is on replay in your mind. Over and over and over again, all you hear is just quit. Nobody cares. Look at the mess in front of you. Just quit. You're never going to reach your goals and your dreams. You're not good enough.

You, will make a way
Teach me now, to trust
To lift, my eyes again
When all hope is dust

I am here today to just remind you that you are good enough. That you can reach those goals and your dreams. The messes of life get us down. I know. They beat you down until you feel like you just can't go anymore. Your mind, your heart, your soul, your body is weak. Tired. You mentally are done. But, quitting isn't the answer. It seems like your hope is gone. In ashes on the floor. Some of you may not even be sure about your faith anymore. Just so shaken and unsure. Unsure of what God is doing. Why is all of this happening? But, are you remembering His promises?  Do you remember that in the times of trial and chaos and confusion, that He is molding you. He is building you. He is defining your character. 
He is preparing you

You will breathe again
Resurrect, these faults
And all your promises
I won't forget
You won't let me go

It may seem like this storm isn't passing anytime soon. But it will pass. I promise you that. There are days I just look back and think about the nights I would just lay in bed and cry. I'd cry for hours until I fell asleep. I was so confused. I was feeling abandoned by God. My heart was hurting. I didn't understand why I was walking through the storm I was walking through. I had to daily (multiple times a day) remind myself that there is purpose in the trial. 


Swipe left or right?

I am so disgusted. Let me just be real. 

So here I am, on a Friday night, just wasting time and trying to make myself sleepy. I come across a familiar face and saw that this picture was from "LuLu"..whatever that may be. So, I download the app to see what it's about. What I found was something I wish I never knew existed.... Are we really to the point of publicly rating people? How great they are in the bedroom? How sketchy they are? How great the "hook up" was... COME ON. Last time I checked the bedroom was something that was suppose to be private...

Broke my little heart. 

I am so disappointed and disgusted with today's society and people. People in general. How they go about dating. How they go about loving others. I'm just not sure where we are all headed. But I can tell you it's not happily ever after. It's fighting and divorce and ungodly marriages and relationships. 

I'm speechless. Between tinder, this lulu crap, and all the other "dating" apps & sites there are... there is no hope..no hope for me or for you. I'm not into that one night stand or the "I'll call you when I want you to be in my bed" type of deal. It's not okay. For some-it's perfectly wonderful. Have fun with that. One day you'll wake up and wonder why you feel so empty and so violated...so alone. Just turn on your phone and you'll see why. And yes, before we go any further- I participated in the tinder fad.. but quickly deleted it. And I definitely didn't have the app for sex..Let's get that straight.

So here's the thing. And what I'm about to say my upset some of you-- if so, I'm not sorry....

where are MEN these days? When I look around All I see are boys. Boys who can't commit. Boys who would rather play games. Boys who have someone so great in their lives but keep her on the side just in case another dime piece comes along. BOYS who keep these sorry apps. Boys who want respect but their actions are a far cry from respect. 

BUT where are the WOMEN? Ladies, we've got to pull our part too. We can't walk around here thinking these males need to grow up and man up..when you yourself are running around with a different guy each week. You can't expect any man to respect you when you don't give him anything to respect...I mean let's be real here. 

****Side note: there ARE great, amazing, men and women out there. This post is just based on society and the population..and all these articles that are being posted daily with "dating advice"..

SO what happened? And what happens now? What happens next? 

For starters, grow up. Man up. Woman up. Delete those stupid stupid apps...especially if you have a significant other. That's crappy of you.

In a relationship? SHAME ON YOU. STAY OFF those things. Remember, your eyes are the windows to your soul and your heart. Be careful. 

Not in a relationship? GET OFF YOUR BUTT and go meet people in PERSON. Guys, take someone on a date. Girls, GO ON A REAL DATE.

Listen, if you like someone, go for it. Pursue that person. Find out if you want to keep pursuing them. But don't be half in.

I know I don't really want someone who half way wants to be in my life. They are here but they've got one foot out the door.
Where's the sincerity in that? It's like they were already planning to leave. Please, walk on out if that's the plan. Don't settle and allow that in your lives people!

I am just so heated and amazed right now. At the rate we are all going, none of us are going to get married. Select few, yes. But all the rest... just going to keep swiping and rating and living "fun", I mean miserable, lives. 

Gotta say, I'm swiping left on this topic. 


without fear//

There I was 40 minutes later, in Auburn. Wearing my favorite under armour shorts and a XL rays t shirt. My makeup was pretty set in on my face from church that morning and my hair had its soft waves from the curls that morning. I can't do this. I don't know these people. What if they don't like me? This is going to be a waste of time because I'm just going to not even come back. My phone vibrated and it was K.. her exact texts were:
"you turning around and going home is letting your negativity and doubt win. Go to small group. Life was not made for us to go through alone Meg. Go in, be transparent, LET THEM LOVE YOU. Let them love you dang it. They are great"
SO..what did I do? I listened to her...as usual.  The next two and a half hours were nothing but refreshing. Here I was, with about 20 girls I have never laid eyes on or spoken to. Young women from all different walks of life. And all in different stages of life. But the one thing we all had in common was that we aren't alone. It was so comforting to hear that each girl was walking through a struggle. 

It made me feel less crazy and more normal. Whatever normal is. 

I left with a feeling of....well I'm not sure. I felt good. I felt like I wasn't sure what God's purpose was for me there but by the end of the night I knew there was a purpose

Fast forward 24 hours. As I'm dozing off in bed, K texted me again with a song to listen to. Then as we got to talking she shared somethings she had gotten from her small group that night and it was just what I needed. I'm so distracted with the idea that I do not deserve love.  That I'm not worthy of letting anyone love me. I put up barriers so that I won't be hurt. This is my way of thinking: letting someone love me leads to hurt. Right? No, WRONG. I try to "sabotage" every thing that comes my way because I don't think I deserve it. How heartbreaking is that? I mean really? That's probably more heartbreaking than most things. To see someone who doesn't think they are worthy of love.  

Out of this rises insecurities. Insecurities that you don't even know are there. Insecurities that I never even thought about. And it's scary because I'm such a confident person. I know who I am and what I deserve and what I want. But when I let my mind get to thinking and overthinking, that all is broken down and the thoughts of being undeserving arise. Maybe this comes from the sorry people from before who didn't know how to love others. 
 Please tell me I'm not the only one that this happens too.

It just blows my mind. It's like I fail to remember that God's love is perfect. And that perfect love casts out all fear. 
There is no fear in God's perfect love. 

I've made a decision to remind myself of this daily. I can't be afraid that I'm undeserving of love from anyone. I can't be afraid to let people into my life. I know I can't go through this life alone. And I also know that God's word says that I am so so so deserving of good. I am deserving of  friendships full of God's love. I am deserving of relationships that teach me and help me grow and make me happy and allow me to experience how to love and how to be loved.

 I am so deserving and worthy... As are you. 

I am so thankful for the people God has brought into my life in the last few days and in the last few months. I am being challenged and facing things that I have always avoided because I never knew how strong they would make me. And all the while, these people are still here. Little do they know how much that means to me. Thankful.

Whatever it is that you are fearful about, let the fear go and let God's love consume you. Consume you so fully and overflow with it. Fear isn't something we experience when we are truly experiencing God's love. 

So, here's to taking steps into the unknown of new beginnings without fear.

photo credits: Sarah McCallister 


it's not all the same//

Here I sit. On my bed. Sun-burnt like crazy. And a heart full of words to get out. 
Over the years, I've been nothing but straight up honest on here with you guys..and I continue to do that. I don't sugarcoat things, I don't feel the need to write on certain topics. This is raw. Straight from my heart and what needs to be said. 

Last September I shared with you all about my battle with depression... 
(you can read that post here)

Shortly after that post was written I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. I just didn't want to become dependent on them and have to have them. I really saw how strong I was and I knew I wasn't facing the battle alone. So, here I am 9 months later and still off my anti-depressants. It's weird, I'll be honest. Some days I still wake up and go to take them and then remember I haven't had them in 9 months. I have definitely had my ups and downs, highs and lows. Moments of complete weakness and moments that were defining.  Majority of the days I am perfectly fine..and then I have some off days..which is okay.

Photo Credits: Sarah McCallister

Here lately I am trying to learn to control my emotions. I never had to deal with emotions or thoughts, because they were all numbed for many many months. 

The last mmm week or so I've had a lot of emotional days and stressful moments. I don't think that I've dealt with them the best way either. I did, however, find that being quiet and just processing what was said or processing the emotion really helps. I take my time thinking about things before responding. It may seem rude or odd but we all know I'm a thinker. An overthinker. 

Which brings me to this. 
I'm so afraid that by me still working on this and controlling my emotions and my stress is going to push people I care about away. I feel confident that I'm in a good spot and that they understand. But the fear is there. We get so used to people walking away and out of our lives that the only thought that creeps up when a bit of rockiness hits is that they are going to just walk away. Not every person is like the last. Not every person is going to quit and walk away when they see you in a struggle. The ones who truly care for you will stick through it with you. Encouraging you. They may not understand completely, and that's okay- but they try. And trying is an A+ in my book. 

BUT- you also can't let the struggle define you and your circumstances. You can't use it as an excuse constantly. It's no reason to be mean or hateful. No reason to be upset all the time. You need to cry? Then cry it out until you feel better. But don't bottle it up on in the inside and then drop it like a bomb on someone. Be honest and open. 

The last few days I have been super emotional. All the reasons why? I'm not entirely sure. But I do think it's because I'm just learning how to process emotions and feelings again. I'm learning that sometimes things do hurt. And if you're anything like me...having a big heart is an amazing thing. But, sometimes it can hurt. You want to help everyone and make sure everyone is happy. You feel emotion so much harder. You take things way more personal...and that's not our fault. That's just part of having a big heart. And it's all okay. 

My point of this post is this:
No matter what you're facing, remember- it doesn't define your circumstances. Struggle brings strength. The ones who care for you will stand by you and won't leave you. If you've got a big heart..GOOD. If you've got a big heart and you're a woman...well that's a double whammy because we women are emotional anyways. So it's like tripled emotion. 

You're past isn't the present or the future. Not everyone is the same. And not everyone is going to walk away. And definitely don't punish the ones in front of you because you're scared of the past repeating.

Remember how great life really is. It's so sweet. But it's so short. Don't let whatever you're facing get in the way of  life.

Press into God's word and just spend time with Him. 

This verse has been on repeat in my mind and heart all day long: 

"When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1:2-4


it wasn't your best//

So, here I sit. Once again, on my bed. Letting my nail polish dry. Some music on, and a heart full of words.

I'm not really sure what this post will be about, or where it will go.. but I guess we'll see! My heart just has so many words flowing through it and the only way I know how to handle that is to just write it out. 

The past couple months I've been watching God work tremendously in my life. And it puts me in awe. I'm watching prayers that I've prayed many times a day for eight months, being answered. I'm not really sure where these things are going or what is going to happen, but what I am so confident in is the fact that I know I am exactly where I need to be. 100% positive of that. And never in my life have I been 100% positive if I was where God was needing me and wanting me to be. I've always doubted and questioned if I was where I was suppose to be. 

Which brings me to this- the past. So many times we choose to hold onto the past and those in it. While doing this, we don't really see how it's affecting the now. Hindering you from realizing and enjoying what is right in front of you. **let me make note: I'm in no way preaching, I struggled with this too people. And I am just now finally seeing what harm it caused in my life. 

Holding onto the past is like poison. Slowly seeping into your every day life. Your friendships and relationships. Your vision. You aren't seeing things for what they really are. You're still comparing the now to the before. And slowly, but surely, you're breaking yourself down and creating issues that wouldn't be there to begin with. 

I believe with my whole heart that everything happens for a reason. People come into our lives for a reason and then they are taken out of our lives for a reason. You can't argue that either. I believe that time wasn't wasted. I think no matter how much time was spent on someone or something, it was a learning process. Say that with me -learning- process. There is always something new to be learned. No matter the situation. God is in the middle of every situation and battle you face- so of course there is going to be something to learn. Sure, we went back to that ex one too many times (I know we've all done it). Okay, so we fell for another line and fell into the trap and dove in head first and now here you are again. Standing there not understanding what went wrong and what happened. You may never understand. And that's okay- there are many many things in this life that are not meant for us to understand. 

We can't make people change. We can't save them. And we surely can't make them love us. But what we can do is to remember that there is a purpose. A purpose for whatever you've faced or whatever you are facing. It's so so so so important to leave the past in the past. Delete the phone numbers, delete the pictures, remove yourself away from that group of people. I don't care if they were your best friend, the "love of your life" ... Do what you need to do...because if you don't, then how are you ever going to be truly happy? I mean really..it's not possible. Accept it for what it was. It is what it is. 

You guys, I had the hardest time with this. I did. And then one day I woke up and I just knew in my heart that God had so much more for me. He didn't create me to live in depression and in the past. He doesn't want me to hold onto something or someone that He removed from my life for a reason. I couldn't keep rereading that chapter over and over again and continuing to make myself miserable. I was blind to my worthiness and how loved I really am. I forgot my passions and my dreams. I was going through the motions day after day after day. But when I made the decision to let it all go, that's when I started seeing things. The people in front of me. The decisions I wanted to make. The happiness that I had longed for. My heart has not been this happy in...well, I don't really know how long. But a long long time. I'm at such peace and so content. So confident in the fact that God is in control and knows what my heart deserves. Just like He knows what  your heart deserves. So don't be blinded by everything you're holding onto from the past. 

But trust me, please just trust me when I say, there is much much better out there. 
But I mean like really...who wants to hold onto something that brought so much pain? Exactly..no body does. Delete it, but never forget what it taught you. 

Keep the past where it is..the past. Not your now. Not your future. You might miss out on some really amazing things and people if you decide to keep letting it into your life. 

So, make the decision to walk away. 
You gave it your best and it wasn't the best that God HAS for you. 

Photo credits: Sarah McCallister


Get with it//

Okay guys, it's time to get real...for real. Down and dirty and uncomfortable. I don't care if you don't like it...don't read it. Yes, I said that.

What is it today that makes it okay to play games? To play with hearts and emotions like we're playing with a deck of cards? Or playing hopscotch on the playground. What is it? Why have we allowed it to happen? Better yet, why have we allowed it to get as far as it has?

We gripe and complain because we can't find someone-well maybe you should look at how you're going about it all. Make some adjustments.

I don't know about you, but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We sometimes have to go down the dead end roads. We sometimes have to take the wrong turn. Not just so we could say that we did, but for us to learn from it and to know and understand that we are going to face opposition and battles. That we will make mistakes. And the biggest thing we need to take from those things is the strength that lies in it. So I say that to lead me to this...

If we've been hurt and we've made it through the heartbreak and the tears, then why do we allow ourselves to get into situations that really are setting us up for pain and tears? It's like we're too scared to be honest and say what we really want, so we just play along and pretend we are okay with "whatever this is, whatever we are" until someone gets tired of it and decides to stop talking. I mean why is this okay? Where is the respect? Respect for yourself. Respect for the other person. Why would we make it through the storm and then just settle? I mean this really baffles me. This fires me up and makes me angry.

The fact that guys can "pursue" me and think that they can play me? No. That's not how it works..at all. I'm not the woman you play games with. I'm a woman who knows her worth. Who knows what she brings to the table. A woman who knows what she deserves and will not be settling for less. I don't waste my time on pursuing something with someone if I don't see it going anywhere. 

Is it because people are so afraid of love these days? Afraid of commitment? Afraid of being happy? I just don't understand. And I'm wondering when will I ever understand. People mess around with these little games and then they wonder why they lost a good thing. They portray themselves to be so genuine and a person of character...then with time, who they are starts to show. And you see that there is nothing genuine about their pursuit for you. 

You guys, let's stop the crap. Man up. Woman up. Say what's on your mind. Stop being so afraid of rejection. Rejection is God's protection. 

Stop the games. Stop the mixed signals and the "i kinda like you but I kinda don't but I do. But I don't want a girlfriend/boyfriend right now..." It's about as simple as your ABC's. 

so, remember your worth and what you deserve. Trust me, there is someone out there that is going to realize and see how amazing you are. And when you find that person--- never let them go.

get with it. 


choose to sing//

It's hard letting go of a life you thought you'd be living. A life with someone that just not completed you, but added to your already completed soul. Someone who became your best friend in a matter of moments. Someone whose eyes you can still see when you close yours. Someone that no matter what you do or where you go, you just can't seem to shake off.  

This someone just completed the puzzle. Put the final piece in there and it just seemed like all the confusion and heartbreaks before, were just leading you to this. To this person. 

And then, one day- the texts get shorter, the phone calls don't come. Then all of a sudden that person is silent. Completely out of your life. No explanation, no reasoning. Not a damn thing. And there you are. Standing there. Like a Taylor Swift song. Wondering what you did wrong. Wondering what you could have done differently. The plans made, the bond established. You wouldn't have seen this coming. But it happened. And here you are. Trying to figure it out. Trying to understand that the missing puzzle piece wasn't quite the right fit. But you thought it was. And you scroll Instagram. You scroll through Twitter and Facebook...just hoping to see some interaction from that person. Desperation? No. Just something that will take some time to get use to. 

***let me say..I am thankful for the months I have endured that were full of the hopelessness I felt. The tears that streamed down my face. The nights I felt like would ever end. God was holding me. And He wasn't letting go. I am a much stronger woman today than I ever thought I could be. I know that the life I thought I was going to have is nothing compared to life that God has for me. He removes people from our lives for a reason. Not because they are bad. Just because they can't go with us to where He is taking us next. That's not a part of their journey. Be thankful for this. 

I'm so.....hopeful. I think that's the word I want to use. I saw a quote on Instagram that said "I could fill a lake with all the things I left unsaid"... and that hit me. I'm not the type of person to hold things back. I'm not the girl to leave things unsaid. I believe in love. I believe in loving hard. If it means something to you, then you better show it or someone else will. I know it's scary. Unrequited love. The other person not feeling exactly how you do. But how would you ever know unless you opened your mouth? 

I can look back and know that I never let anything go unsaid. I said how I felt. I meant what I said. I said what I meant. But, he didn't. That's what needs to be brought to attention. He didn't feel what I felt. And if he did, he surely didn't say it. Look at your situation. Are you the only one talking about things? If so, you need to walk away. You aren't going to "change" them. You aren't going to "make them come around"...because if they felt what you wanted them to feel then they'd be there emotionally and mentally. Come on, remember your worth.

I'm so thankful that endings are new beginnings. 
We each carry a little bit of each relationship with us and that's fine. We take what we learned from it. We grow. We develop. We become who we are meant to be. Every person plays a role in our life. Some for a long period of time and some for just a short time. Don't hold back. Don't be afraid. 

I have no regrets. I know God has a plan for my life. I know He is strengthening my heart and preparing me for what's to come. If you would just take a step back and turn away from whatever it is that is hindering you, you could flourish. But instead, you hope and pray that a mind will be changed. All the while God is just waiting for you to see that it's not going to happen. 

If I've learned anything in this trial in the last 8 months, it's that God is going to do what HIS plan calls for. 
He's the one in control. Not me. And the tighter I held onto something that needed to be let go, the further and further I turned away from God. Then the anger towards God came. It was just a mess. M E S S Y. But when I finally accepted that God indeed knows what He's doing, everything became calm. It was still confusing and hurt so badly. But I knew that He would bring peace to the chaos in my heart and my mind. That He would still my heart. He did. 

So many days and nights I would just ask God to help me..that whatever was in front of me to just help me to sing hallelujah. And He did.

So today, here I am. Learning to be still and to wait on God. Not worrying about being pursued. Not trying to understand. Just here. Enjoying myself. Enjoying life. Becoming the woman God has planned for me to be. Pursuing my faith and walk with Him more and more. And when the hurt creeps in with memories, I just smile..because those memories are amazing. 

Don't ever think when something ends that you've wasted love. 
I think one of the most beautiful things is being vulnerable and real. Showing how you really feel. 
Why be like everyone else and play the stupid games? Why not text first? Stop listening to society on dating. Stop listening to society on rules of love. You love how you want and wish everyone else good luck with the way they are doing it. 

Just remember to be you. KNOW that God is with you. And remember your worth and what you deserve. And don't ever settle.