p a r t 3

and so the story continued on.

If you've been a reader of my blog, you know that over the years I've realized that you can't make someone who doesn't want to be with you, be with you. And you definitely don't want to be with that person if they really don't want to be there. 

And with that, I closed the chapter. I will take a deep breath and I will put one foot in front of the other and I will walk on with my head held high.  For so long I've hung onto every word and every text. I've cried, I've sobbed, I've yelled, and I've laughed. I knew in my heart that we would never get to where I ultimately thought we would...but the words, and the dates, and the time spent together was all false hope. It was just something to keep me holding on. And that's not okay. Not okay for myself and not okay for him.This is possibly one of the hardest but easiest decisions I've ever made. 

Hard because this isn't the life I want for my child. It breaks my heart that he will know what it feels like to have his dad living under a different roof. I don't want him to have to go through the pick ups and drop offs. But, that's not my decision anymore. I tried. And I fought like hell to make it work. But at some point I had to gracefully lay down my boxing gloves and walk away. Remind myself that this is probably a beautiful blessing and it's led to a new road in God's plan for my journey. I remind myself that God gives and He takes away..and then He gives again...but better than the last. As a mother there's so many pressures and so many what if's and so just so many expectations. I have enough to worry about and trying to get someone to love me isn't a priority anymore. Especially someone who likes me as a person because I'm funny and cool to hang around. 

Slap in the face.
* A good bit of people are probably going to be upset with this post but I don't care anymore. Opinions are irrelevant to me and until you've walked in someone's shoes, keep it to yourself. 

So, where do you put an end to it? How do you know when it's time?
For me, the final straw hit me like a ton of bricks in my face, then falling down the ladder and landing on the pokey little stickers in the grass. That straw broke.

I was sad all the time. I was miserable. I was on edge. I was constantly wondering when he would pop up and say he was done. Like it just wasn't fair. 

So much anxiety. So much. And I never knew what the truth was. Was he really still at work? Did he really stay home alone last night? By no means am I calling this person a liar...but after he hurt and burned me, I never knew what was real and what was fake. I mean for months he told me he loved me and was happy and then bam. I'm a month from having our baby and he's telling me he in fact did not love me and I was left to pack up my life and move out. Wouldn't you question every word that was said after that? 

I sure as hell did. 

Little piece of advice.. "taking it slow and seeing where things go" isn't something you do once you've had a kid with someone. You're either ALL in or ALL OUT. No in between. In between isn't an option for me. If only this person knew the awful ways he made me feel..he probably wouldn't be able to look me in the eye again. It was so sad. 
I am just so over feeling how I've felt. It just wasn't a good way to feel.

hurt people, hurt people.

So, here we are. 
I've come to terms with a lot of things. 
I understand.
I don't understand.
But I'm okay. 
I don't hate this person.
I don't think this person is a bad person. 
Just a person who is lost.
My child brings more joy to my life than I could ever imagine.
Motherhood is one of my purposes here on this earth.
I know the sun will rise and we will be okay.
I know God has a beautiful plan for mine and baby A's life.
Just like He always has, He will use this hurt and confusion for good.
I pray that A grows up knowing how loved he truly is and that he never ever questions his worth..
because recently, I've questioned mine a lot lately.

Am I not good enough? Why can I not be loved? What if no one will want me?
But, if you think for one second that I am going to let someones poor mistake cause me to feel unworthy...then you don't know me. 
Some people just can't love. And some will never be that family person. And that's okay. 
Let people miss out. Don't chase them. Those who care will be there and those who don't, won't. It's as simple as that. 

Throughout all of this I have learned so much. 

1. I am stronger than I think. You are stronger than you think. You really don't know how strong you are until you're put in a situation where you have to keep moving.. and finding the strength to carry on. Having baby A has made me so strong. I've figured out who I am and what I want. Settling is not an option. 

2. You can't make anyone be there who doesn't want to be. Indecision is a decision. That's every answer you need to know. There's no reason to ask any more questions.. you've got your answer. 

3. People aren't always going to get both sides of the story...and usually, they are going to believe and run with the first version they hear. This is okay. Just be honest. With yourself and with God. 

4. Relationships aren't suppose to be covered in anxiety, worry, sadness, and fear. Yes, relationships are hard. But a relationship shouldn't be full of anxieties and ugliness and hostility. Remember that. 
If someone truly loves you- you will never had to look for evidence of that love. 

5. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship in your life. 
think about that...

6. Money doesn't mean a thing..time, effort, and love..that's what means the most. 

7. You can be in someone's life as much as you want to be or as little as you'd like. But just know that you can't get time back. Time waits for no one. 

So my friends, this is my story. It's not ending, it's still beginning. I have a beautiful baby boy that God blessed me with and continues to bless me with every.single.day. I have a wonderful family that I'd be lost without, and I have friends that you don't find all the time. I'm very hopeful for our future.It's not just my future anymore..it's our future. A and I are a package deal...and we are one heck of a package too. So, as I sit here in my bed with Maren Morris' "space" on repeat, watching my babe sleep away on the monitor, I will think about the good and the great that came from the chapter that was just closed..and I smile. I smile, because once again, this is where God always takes the hurt and sadness and shows me the next thing He has lined up. Just fitting the puzzle pieces together. 

A friend reminded me today that I cannot let others control my emotions. I have to make a choice. We all have to make a choice.

So, just remember, when you're at the end of your rope and you're just not sure you can hold on any longer, you can. God is with you. You are strong. His plan for your life is more beautiful than anything you could ever dream up. 

Corey Dean Images | March 2018


This is my story: the middle part 2 of 3

The room was dark and I was finally alone. My shaking was still strong and I felt like I was becoming an icicle. I ran my hand over my tummy. It was mushy and soft. There wasn't a baby in there. I could finally breathe...well, somewhat. I remembered back to a few minutes before when my nurses told me we had to monitor my blood pressure and if it weren't to come down they would have to move me to a special room and hook me up to a drip.. honestly the only word that stuck out to me was the word seizure. There was a slight knock on the door and an older man walked in and introduced himself. He was a pediatrician for the hospital.

"Ms. Carruth, your baby boy was admitted into the neonatal intensive care unit. He's having some troubles breathing and we need to narrow down...."

I stopped hearing him. He was still talking and I was still paying attention, but I couldn't hear him. I zoned out.

"We are going to get him on some antibiotics just incase of an infection. We want to rule that out. We'd like to do some xrays and scans to make sure his lungs developed properly. He could also have some fluid in there. At this point, he just needs some help with this breathing."

I sat there. Staring at this man. I wanted to say "wait, what?" But instead I said okay. Thank you so much for letting me know. As soon as he walked out I started crying. My family had left to eat lunch and M and his family had left as well to eat. So it was just me. In this room. Where my baby had just been in my belly an hour earlier. But now it was just me. I awkwardly reached and grabbed my phone. Sent a few texts and then asked for some Chipotle. My nurse walked in and checked my blood pressure and liked how it was looking. Minutes later they were loading up my bags and belongings and sent in a nurse with a wheelchair.

She was familiar looking and had a sweet smile. My things were loaded up and I remember nurse S telling me that nurse A was going to take me to my postpartum room and by the NICU to see my baby. I was so hesitant to leave that room. It had been my home. My baby had been in there with me. And I had the best nurses. I thanked nurse S for how amazing she was and how thankful I was for her. She responded with "You made it easy..."

As nurse A wheeled me down the hall we chatted. Turned out, she is the sister of one of my friends. Small world. As she was wheeling me I just took those halls in. We get to the NICU and we are let in. My heart was racing. I couldn't breathe. What was his condition? Was he scared? Was he cold? Was he confused? I was wheeled up to the last box on the left. There he was. I didn't get to check his tiny toes and little fingers after I had him.

So many wires. An IV. Is he breathing? yes he's breathing...I think he is. Or wait is that machine breathing for him? WHATS GOING ON.

Tears flowed. I couldn't catch my breath. I just wanted to touch and hold him. The most exhausting minutes of my life.

I was wheeled to my PP room and literally everyone was in there. I held my tears in. Got through the visiting and thank goodness my pain killer kicked in and I was ready to sleep.

M and I didn't exchange many words. He needed to get out, so he left and went to a movie that night and showered. My best friend showed up and I took her to see baby A.

M's birthday was the next day and he stayed at home that night. I was hoping I'd finally get some sleep. But it didn't come. I found myself walking to the NICU. Babies would be wheeled past me being taken to their mothers PP rooms and I'd choke on tears. I remember at one point I just sat down in the hallway. I couldn't walk anymore and I just cried. I just didn't understand.

I was discharged on Wednesday and the next 4 days were a roller coaster.
Especially that Saturday when it snowed. But that's a different story.

I spent my days just sitting by his box in the NICU. I’d read a book, and watch him sleep. Take my pump breaks and then back to watching him sleep. I’d go home at the end of the night broken. Alone. And just cry and cry and cry. I just didn’t understand anything that was going on in life. I just wanted my baby. I needed my baby...probably more than he needed me. M was a rock for me during those days. He’d listen to me cry. He’d reassure me that things would be okay. And he was right. The following Tuesday I got the call that we'd be rooming in and if all went well, baby A would come home Wednesday. He was FINALLY taking bottles and nursing like a champ.

I was so damn nervous.

M worked that day and my mom took me to the hospital and helped me get settled in. And here comes one of our favorite NICU nurses wheeling in my little baby. No machines hooked up, no feeding tube. No IV. Just him. He was laying on his tummy and had on red and white striped pants with Santa's face on his booty. A little white shirt. The nurse said some things and then left.

What am I suppose to do now?  h o l y.

Hello Baby Photography

Hello Baby Photography

M showed up around 9 after work.
We got discharged the next day. I wanted so badly for it all to be normal. For us to be going home together. But we took our "going home from NICU" picture, loaded up and he brought us to our home and left for his. And now the fun started.

My days as a single mom started. And I was clueless as to how I was going to do this.

Night after night after night I was waking up. By myself. No significant other to help. Or take a turn with. It was me and baby A. He'd come over and say how tired he was and I'd want to scream.

Tired? You're tired? Please, tell me how tired you are... you slept 10 hours last night. I slept 30 minutes... you should be HELPING ME. 

I begged and begged for him to stay the night but, work was important.

The resentment began to grow. I honestly didn't even want to look at him. "Your mom can help you. Her room is right next door.."...yeah but this baby isn't my mom's responsibility. And I'm not asking her to wake up all throughout the night to help me. I can do this.

I was angry you guys. I was so angry. I was hurt. I was confused. I was straight pissed. How can you just sleep under a different roof than your newborn baby? My poor baby.

But, that pushed me even more to be strong. I was overtaken by post partum anxiety. I didn't want anyone to hold him because I didn't want "pass the baby" to be played. People just didn't understand. Almost like they forgot I was HIS MOTHER. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to grab my baby and take him home. Where it was safe and comfortable and I was in control. I didn't like when he cried and instead of being given to me, he was given to him. Don't they know? That I am his mother? That I am the one that stays up with him all night? Didn't they understand that?

Anxiety was a living hell.

The days went by and communication was awful. Defensiveness on both ends. I was exhausted and my lack of enthusiasm was taken as attitude. I really just wanted to say "screw you"...

I needed to recover. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I needed to just recover. But I couldn't recover because I was doing this all alone. Night after night after night.

And yes, I did this with thankfulness and enthusiasm and a full heart. Never once did I complain. (Yeah I shot him down when he complained about being tired, but never once did I complain about getting up with my sweet baby.)
I took these long nights and soaked every cuddle in. Every cry, every little noise, his smell, the nursing sessions where I didn't think he could possibly take in anymore milk..I soaked it all in.
Doing it alone just meant more cuddles for me.

Christmas came and went and I was over the moon. I had been so blessed with this baby and this role of motherhood. In awe everyday that God chose ME to be this baby’s mother. It was the most important role I’ve ever been given. So blessed. 

 There was still a whole different situation I was trying to make better. But The texts were straight hurt and irritation. Reminding him that he left me. And trying to just understand what he was doing. I'm not sure if I can remember the point in time where I realized that nothing was going to change. I was doing this alone. Yes, there were a few days a week after work where he came over for a few hours and visited with baby A. But that wasn't good enough and honestly, never will be good enough..because my baby deserves a lot more than that. But yet, he was still the one I called or texted when I needed someone to cry to or talk to. He didn’t say much but he listened and he took a good bit of my wrath’s weekly. I didn’t want to be ugly but I just couldn’t figure out how to make
Him understand what a mistake he was making. 

But, at the end of the day, as much as I wanted to hate him, I couldn't. I prayed for him. Day in and day out.

And so, I've felt a pressure. A pressure to be even more of a parent. Since baby A's dad lives elsewhere, there's only one parent he sees 24/7 and that's me. And it literally broke and still breaks my heart. As soon as we were up, we were right back down and it was hard to find that middle ground. I wanted so badly to have my partner during these times. It was so hard for me to be nice. I just wanted help. The feelings of rejection and resentment and hurt just kept building and building and I kept praying and praying. 

Neither of us came from broken families. So why are we starting a broken family? 
It just didn't make sense to me. 

Little did I know that the next 5 months would be the toughest, hardest months, but each day it would get easier. And I would get stronger. I would find my voice. I would learn how to be an even better voice for my baby. 

And So the story still continues on... 


the beginning (1 of 3)

***note: this post in no way is to bring negative light to anyone or any situation. This post is to share this season of life that God has me walking through. Though it is tough, it is worth it. If I weren't to share this story/testimony in full and if I weren't to be honest, I'd feel as though I was failing my reader. Failing myself, and failing those that could relate to this in anyway possible. And failing God as He has equipped me and has set me to walk this season for a purpose. This post isn't to slam anyone. This is my life now, and I can't hide it. I am proud of this season. I am proud of myself. My goal of these posts is to let others know that they aren't alone. Life can be hard, but no matter what we have God right there with us. Holding our hand. Walking with him side by side. 
 So, here goes nothing....

*this will be a series of posts. Post 1 of 3

"This is an early April fools joke...right? Like this isn't for real. Right?" 
"I wish it was..."

I stared at the clock on the tv box. Then looked down at my belly. I was sitting on on my bed with one leg under me and one leg hanging off the side. 

I remember every feeling I had in that exact moment. That 2 minute phone call felt like hours.

"So, you're telling me that the time when I need you the most you're doing this? There's a baby coming into this world in less than a month and you're doing this." My voice cracked and I felt the tears coming. I felt the dryness of my throat. A lump formed. I got hot. I got angry. I didn't want to cry. I couldn't let him hear me cry. 

"I've got to go. I just can't talk right now. I've got to hang up. I have no words." I hung up the phone and just sat there. Staring. Not sure what just happened. Not sure of what would happen. I just sat there. I looked down at my phone and saw my sweet baby's face in 4-D ultrasound. I've yet to meet him. And now, I wasn't sure how life would be. I slowly made my way down the hall and broke the news to my mom and then my dad. 

Threw some flip flops on my swollen feet and drove my 34 week pregnant self across town and packed a bag. Oh, the anger I felt. I wanted to spit. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake him. But, I said a few choice words about him being lonely and I closed the door behind me. 

Minutes went by that seemed like hours. The days seemed like months. 
I was angry. But I had to just keep going. I had to be strong. My focus was on baby A. I had to be strong for him and I was determined to be the best mom I could be. I was going to make sure and try my hardest to provide the best life I could for him. As a single mom. 

My close friends were so confused as to how I was giving so much grace. How I was handling it like I was. And honestly, to this day, I still don't know how. I remember just asking God daily to help me. To help me forgive. To help me show grace. To remind me that he's not a bad person. But obviously,I was devastated. I wanted to send every mean text in the book to him. But I just kept focusing on that baby.

I texted my sweet birth photographer and updated her on things. I was so afraid the issue with he and I would mess up the dynamics on delivery day. Her words were so soothing and so reassuring that God had this. That He was holding me and that I was strong.

Thanksgiving came. 
I really wanted that 2nd slice of pie. But knew I didn't need it. 
My belly got bigger than I thought it could and the kicks got harder and stronger. 
My feet were insanely huge and something just didn't feel right. 
Day after day I kept looking at my phone. Just hoping he had changed his mind. After all, he had to have changed his mind. Like how could he do this? I didn't make this baby alone. Was he scared? Did he really not love me like he told me on the phone that night?

The nursery still wasn't done. Baby A's things were still in the boxes I quickly put them in when my mom and best friend were moving me from the apartment to my parent's house. I'd sit and try to get his room going and finished but I was just so tired.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was tired. I was exhausted. 

Mom and I put baby A's bassinet together and put it in my room. We put his doc a tot in it and I just kept wondering when the day would come that I'd get to use it. 

The tears came. The harsh and ugly texts were exchanged. How can he NOT get it? I just don't understand. How can he just not be here anymore?
I scrolled Facebook and Instagram and saw pictures of happy families. Of new mamas with their babies and their significant others. Looking so happy. I wondered how those moments would be for me. Of course I'd be over the moon when he arrived. But how would I handle things with us? How was this going to play out? I had so many questions but when I asked them all I got was defensiveness back. But I just couldn't hate him. I couldn't hate him like I wished I could. I understood. I understood that you can't make yourself love someone. You can't force anything. But was it a lie even before baby? Like how do you just stop? I was just still beside myself. Not able to hate him. 

Confusion. Hurt. Sadness. Anger. Anxiety... it was all still lingering.   

God, I know you're doing something. I'm just not sure what. I'm so sad. But I trust you. 

I remember that Friday morning like it was this morning. I woke up, not feeling too hot at all. Slowly got dressed and looked over at the ultrasound in the frame next to my bed. Soon sweet boy. Soon. I realized it was December 1st and we were officially in birth month. Baby A was due December 23rd. 

December 1, 2017

I got myself to work and within 25 minutes was calling my OB office. My favorite nurse called me back. She was always so kind and so sweet. From my first appointment to my last she was my nurse. I told her what was going on with my blood pressure and that something just didn't feel right. She made the decision to send me to OB triage. I remember getting to East and it was a rainy, drizzly, cold December day. 

I shot a quick text to him letting him know what was going on. 
I get to triage and figured it'd be a short thing and they'd send me on my way home and tell me to elevate and rest. They ended up keeping me overnight and gave me the glorious pee jug. Got me admitted into labor and delivery and put me in a delivery room. Room #8. I laid in my bed and remember looking across the room at the table and the light, thinking about my sweet baby being born and taken under it to be examined and cleaned up and then brought to my arms. But we had a few more weeks until that. I texted him and told him my room number and what was going on. 
Posted on Facebook that I had three Chris Tomlin tickets for sale for that night and was bummed I was having to stay overnight. Little did I know, I wouldn't be leaving that room anytime soon. The next morning the test results from the glorious pee jug came back and it was determined that we had to deliver this baby ASAP. I was given the option of induction that day or the next day and my Dr. deliver. So, I chose the next day, Sunday. 

Tears flowed. Is this really happening? Like this is happening. 
I texted and told him. We were so shocked. 
I had just hit 37 weeks that day. 
I was so confused. Anxious. Scared. How would things play out?
I wanted this whole process to play out as normal as possible. We aren't together, he doesn't love me anymore, when we go home, it'll be not with him. There were so many things running through my mind. But, he was there each step.. feeding me ice chips, holding my hand, and encouraging me. Supporting me. Being the support that I had needed. No matter what had happened in the last month, I trusted things would be okay. I trusted that he would be there for us like he said.

So, induction day came that next day on Sunday and on Monday, December 4, 2017 at 12:29 p.m. my sweet sweet beautiful boy was born.

 Hello Baby Photography
Hello Baby Photography 
But what happened next, I wasn't ready for.....


somewhere in between //

I slid down the door frame and sat on the floor. Head leaned back. My heart was racing. I could feel the heat rising to my head. My head felt heavy. Dizzy. I am so stupid. I am so stupid. "How could I be so stupid? I just don't understand" I said out loud.

I looked up and saw his face. "Tell me. How could I be so stupid??" I demanded. I demanded to hear an answer. An answer that made me feel better. Not even better, just an answer to help me understand what the heck was going on. And all I got from him was a head shake and the words "It was a mistake..."

I looked at the floor. Hardwood. Dirt. It was cold. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. What am I doing here? Just get up. Get up Meg. Leave. Leave him here. Just walk away. It was so easy for you to walk away the times before. Just leave. GO.

But my butt stayed cemented to the floor. That cold and dirty floor. 
I brought my eyes up and saw some worn cowboy boots across the room. I thought about the way they looked on him. The way I always admired how hard he worked. Reminded me of my daddy. 

But then I looked up and I saw him. And I saw hurt. I saw heartbreak. 

And for the next month and some days, it was pure confusion every time I looked at him.


Somewhere in between sitting on that cold floor and now, sitting on my cozy bed- I realized it. 

I figured it out.

It's not what I thought. 

It's completely different.

You see, I am in such a special season of life right now. A season that I always dreaded. A season that I hoped I would never have to go through.

A season of singleness. 

A season of constant "so are you dating anyone" questions. Or of being fond of someone but it's just not there for you.

A season of letting it wide open and embracing the heart of this particular season.

A season of reflecting. 

So, here I am. 
Embracing the heart of this. 

Yearning and pressing into God more and more daily because the truth is, in this season of singleness, He is molding me. Not only is He doing that, He is doing so much more. This is an intimate season between God and myself. A season that when I get married one day, I won't have this special alone season ever again. 

Many people don't have the courage to wait during this. And to embrace it. Don't get me wrong, the quiet is deafening at times. The loneliness can overwhelm. But ultimately, I embrace it. 

Let me become a woman of God.
Let me become the wife God has planned for me to be.
Let me fall even more in love with our maker than I already am.

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem,
    by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:

Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,
    until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. -Song of Solomon 3:5 (MSG)

I just find it so encouraging when I think about the fact that our experiences and relationships have helped shape us. They've helped make us who we are. We've either let them add to us, or completely shut us down...To disregard love and relationships and just have meaningless relations that are temporary fixes.

I just want to encourage you if you need it. If you're in this same season as I am, GOOD! You're not alone. Embrace this season. You can either realize how special this season is, or you can make it as terrible as possible. 

Remember, God is for you. He is with you. He will never forsake you.
He is all we truly need in this life. 

If you're one that's been hurt. Ghosted a few times, walked on, cheated on, disrespected, told you're "the marrying type" not the dating type (*insert eye roll*)....then GOOD.

Don't let the hurt that someone else caused, because they were hurting, be the end of it for you. Don't let them be the reason you completely turn away from love and from good people.

This season is a gift.
Keep your eyes and your heart on God.
And when the time is right, HE will make it happen.

 "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time."
 - Ecclesiastes 3:11


to my future//

Dear future husband, 

Here I am, once again, curled up and comfy on the bed needing to talk. To get every detail out and off of my chest. To share what's going on in my mind and in my heart. To cry some tears because of the hurt I am feeling. To be reassured that I am worthy because God says I am. 

You see, the last couple of years have been a little tough. I'm sure, eventually, you will read this blog in its entirety, and you'll understand a little bit better. I've found myself in a few situations. A little blinded, a bit dumb, a bit stubborn, and confused. I've stayed when I should have ran, and I've ran when I should have stayed. I've spent countless nights praying for God to just hug me. To give me the slightest glimmer of hope and pull me through the night. I've prayed for Him to shut doors that didn't need to be opened. And that, He did. He's opened the doors that needed to be opened. 
Everything that He's taken, He's always replaced with something better fitting. 

I'm not sure if I'm just a hard person to love or if people just don't know how to love a heart like mine. In the last two experiences, they just haven't been able to care for my heart like God intends for the man to. And it's left me so sad but so hopeful in a way.

But it just hurts. It hurts when someone you've known for so long and wanted nothing more than to care for them, shuts you out. Disappears on you. Leaves you there, just standing..wondering what in the world just happened. And you replay conversations and memories and text messages and you just can't pinpoint it. You pick up the pieces of the hurt caused and you start to believe that it's you.  

I hope you've never done this to someone. Or had it done to you. I hope you're a man of courage and integrity. A man who is honest and sincere. A man who will never manipulate others or deceive others because you aren't sure of your feelings or you aren't sure how to handle fear. It hurts a lot. Relationships, friendships, etc...it hurts in those areas. 

I hope you're a patient man. A man who won't get frustrated with me when I'm just not in the best mood. Or a man that will never ever be with another woman behind my back. I hope you're a man that will tell me when something is wrong or bothering you. I pray you're a man that loves God more than you love me. I pray that you're a man who will lead me closer to The Lord. One who will be a beautiful reminder of God's faithfulness and His love. A man that puts others before himself.

I hope you never let me fall asleep letting me feel unwanted. No matter how mad you are at me.  And I will never ever let you fall asleep feeling unwanted..no matter how mad I am at you. 

I also hope you can handle my sharpie addiction, And my addiction to leggings and tennis shoes. 

I hope that you never put me down or make me feel less than. 

I don't know who you are, or where you're at. I don't know if I already know you. In either case, it's clear that God is just working away and arranging our roads to intersect finally, or again. 

But, what I do know, is that I've waited for what seems like forever for you. And I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. I am messy and emotional, and weird, and loud, and I talk too much, and I cry weekly...but I have a heart that will love you forever. A heart that just patiently waits for the day it meets yours. So my soul can finally say it's been waiting and it's found you. A heart that feels so much that it sometimes feels like it's breaking. 

Continuing to press into God is what keeps me going. Because trust me, I'd love to quit right now. I'd love to throw my hands up and give up. Be bitter and jaded. But I refuse to do that. So, pressing into God is what I will continue to do. He will keep molding me into the woman and wife He plans for me to be. Preparing me.

Life is messy and unpredictable. It's hard. It's not fair. But, it is also good. God is good and He is faithful. I know this sadness I feel right now will eventually become a memory that is stored in my heart. And when I hear a certain song, I know I will feel the sting of this particular sadness again. But I'll smile when I think about the fact that life is constantly changing and doors are closing because God is working. He is leading me to you and you to me. So tonight, when I lay down and close my eyes, I might let a few tears fall, but in my heart I know that 
Right now, our hearts are being prepared.  


All this time//

Earlier today i posted a haunting status on Facebook. Now, im not usually posting statuses but when I get the urge, one is posted. Like this:

"In life we all go through things. And sometimes, in the midst of those things we ignore those who care for us because we are so focused on our circumstances around us. If I could turn back the clock and do it differently- I would. In a heartbeat. But that's not possible. It's possible to make the past the  past and build a beautiful now and future. Sometimes when we finally come to our senses and finally get out of the tunnel we were in- we see things. The people who were standing there with us the whole time. And usually it's not too late. But sometimes when we realize things- it may be a bit too late..and the sinking feeling is a feeling that leaves you breathless and hollow."

This past week has been an interesting one. Very interesting. I can't decide or figure out what in the heck is going on. So, naturally, I have overthought it and overthought it some more and more...and well, some more. You know how us females are.

It's just so out of character.
The silence is deafening. 
The silence is so loud that it's impossible to have a clear thought. 

Today as I was clearing out my iPad, I came across some things. They made me smile, they made me cry, and they made me angry at myself. They made my heart sad.

You see, for several years I wanted something so badly. But it just wouldn't couldn't happen. At some point, I gave up on the surface. Deep in my heart I still wanted this, but I knew it wasnt the time. Years go by. Still the same. And then out of nowhere, it was right there infront of me. Asking me to give everything I had wanted to give years before. But, I couldn't. My heart was in no shape to say yes. It was in no shape to be given. So I did what I needed to do in order to let God work in my heart and to heal me. And that, He did. And I just happened to be so lucky enough that I was forgiven and a new beginning was happening.

I got the job I only dreamt of having.
I moved back to Alabama. 
I was back in my church. 
And there, there was everything my heart had kept inside for so many years. Just like that, it was exploding and jumping for joy and smiling all at the same time. 

It was able to take a big sigh of relief and say "finally"....it was home. 

But now,


it is sinking. It is thinking. It is wondering. 
Most of all, it is sorry.

I am sorry. 

I am sorry for all of the text messages that went unanswered. I am sorry for wanting something so badly and then saying no.....Only because there would be one more person hurting if I would have said yes. I am sorry for the silence I gave you. 

But what I'm not sorry for is for the fact that I gave silence and said no to protect you. To protect you from the hurt my heart would have caused you. I'm not sorry for the bajillion prayers I've prayed for you and for you and I. I'm not sorry for always being a little shy around you. I'm not sorry for being a drama queen and hitting the floor every time my foot is stepped on. I'm not sorry for looking up at you with a genuine smile so deep my heart was smiling with my face everytime you came around me. I'm not sorry for letting myself heal and for realizing that all this time, it's been you. I'm not sorry. And I'm especially not sorry for writing this. And I'm definitely not sorry for baring my heart to you. 

overreacting and overthinkning? timing? payback? fear of this?

I don't know. 

But what I do know is that, I'm here. I'm not leaving and I won't give up until told to. 

I'd drink my La Croix water and wear my little Nikes anywhere this life took us.

so, if you're reading this, there you have it. I am sorry for so many things and I'm also not sorry.

love always


untitled //

What is it about letting something go that makes it seem so impossible?
Is it that the picture we've painted is so much better than the reality and we are just holding on for dear life to the picture we had? Even though the reality is just crumbling if not already crumbled to pieces.

what is it?

I know for me, something I have realized recently is that I am so afraid of being painted as a bad person. That because I am trying to let go and fully move on and just block this from my mind, that I am not a good person. I'm not a good person because I don't continue what I've had a large part in continuing, long after it was done in the first place. It's so sad.

It's so sad that I've second guessed every single decision I have made in the last few days. And I go back to undo what I did because I feel like I am terrible for trying to move on. But let me tell you, you are NOT a bad person for trying to move on. You are NOT a bad person for removing yourself from something that is toxic to both parties.

You guys, if there is anything I have learned in this past season, it's that when God asks you to let go, it's best you just let go. You just let that door close. Because if not, it will get to the point of shattering. It will get to the point where resentment rises. We don't want that. We are called to love, not to resent.

I think I just care so much about people that it's not good. When I see someone I care for, hurting, i want to help make it better. Even if they haven't said they are hurting. When you've been lost, broken, or confused yourself, you can always always always see the ones who are lost, broken, or confused. And I want to encourage. But sometimes, that kindness gets taken advantage of. At first it's not really noticeable, but then, then it just keeps going on and on and on. 

when does it stop?

It stops when you make it stop. It stops when you stop allowing yourself to be half of the problem. It stops when you decide that you can't take it anymore. It stops when you make the decision to walk away. 

When the rug is pulled out from underneath you and everything is all out of sorts, and you're just not sure what is happening or what God is doing...just breathe. Remember that our Lord is Sovereign. That He isn't going to cause pain without purpose. That anytime He is removing and closing doors, it's because there is something He has in mind that is better for you and the plan He has for your life.

I'm totally speaking to myself when I say this and to anyone out there who needs it: stop holding onto what you wanted it to be. Stop holding onto the life you planned. because God will wreck your plans so quick when He sees that they are about to wreck you!!! 

I'm not here to point fingers, you're not here to point fingers- we are here to accept what is, to learn from it, and to move on. To take what we've learned and to apply it. 

Is it still going to hurt? Yes. Some days it will hurt like hell.
Not sugar coating at all. You will have to make the conscious decision and effort to get up and get going.

But it gets better. 
And life gets a little lighter as each day passes.
And your smile slowly turns from fake to real.

Be confident in where your strength comes from. Know that God is not going to fail you. 
End of story. 

Just know that people come into our lives for a reason. And not everyone is meant to stay. Some are just passing through. And some pass through and then wind up finding their way back into our lives. And sometimes not. But either way, let's let the resentment go. Let the hurt and anger go. Let it all go... holding onto those things is only delaying you. 

There are moments in my days sometimes where I just beat myself up. How stupid could I really be? To not see that I wasn't wanted where I was wanting to be. And why I was wanting to be there when I was unwanted, I'll never understand. But it made me get to the point where I didn't want myself. And that is so dangerous & heartbreaking. But I've realized that some people just can't handle my heart. Period. Not everyone may know how to care and how to love a heart like mine. And that's okay..it doesn't make that person bad or not good enough. They just aren't capable of it.

It hurts to let it go, but at the same time it will be so rewarding. Loving yourself, wanting yourself, knowing your worth. You will be radiant. And everyone will see it. 
So step into the new chapter that is waiting on you.

But whatever you do, 
don't let the ones who couldn't love you, stop you from loving again.