always hopes and perseveres

Has your world shifted lately? Could be a big shift, a little shift...any size of shift. Either way, it's a shift. And when our worlds shift, it's uneasy, it's weird, it's hard, it's sad, it's exciting. I am sure the list could go on. Shifts in our world means that God is just working in your life. 

My world has shifted. Right now, it seems like a gigantic shift. A shift that I can't quite grab hold of. Right when I feel like I catch my footing, I fall back down. I get back up, only to fall back down again. My world has shifted before, many many many many many times. But this shift is different. I can't tell you how or why. But I can tell you that it just, it's different. My heart is aching a different ache than it's ever experienced. I'm not sure what ache this is or why it's different. But it's different. None like before. And I think that is why this seems so huge and just like I can't get my grip...all while reminding myself multiple times a day to breathe. Constantly trying to smile when I feel the tears coming. And always shooting down the thoughts that try to creep into my mind. Not so great yet, but I'm working on it. I don't know what is going to happen. I have hope.

I think the biggest thing for me is that, I am scared. There are so many things going on in my life right now. I graduate college in almost a month exactly. I really honestly have no clue what I want to do. My classes this semester are so overwhelming. But somehow I have come back from the pits and have been taking care of business in them. I just have so many changes that are coming. I am soon to enter a new phase of life and the people I want with me, may not go with me into that phase...and it breaks my heart. Now my heart has hurt before. All of our hearts have hurt at one point or another in our lives. But this is the pain that you can feel. You feel it in your chest and your mind, and you have to catch your breath. It's a scary pain. I never thought that I'd be where I am today at 26 years old. Not even in the same book. I always imagined I'd be married with babies by now. But God had other plans for me, and that my friends, I am so thankful for. But that is what is the scariest of all. I have no idea where my life is going, or what God is doing. My little heart is so confused and it just wants to have that familiar hug that it's come to find comfort in. But it can't have that hug. 

God will definitely turn your world upside down and all around in order to fit the puzzle piece in. 

He's working in my heart, and He is working in your heart.I believe that 100 percent. No doubt about it. I know He is. And I know that this work that's being done in our hearts is just to set up for things to come. To take the hurt that's been held onto, and to heal it. To refresh your mind and your soul. To give you rest and peace. To make you feel complete again and able to open up. What's in the past is in the past. People in the past, stay in the past. We learn from the past. We figure out who we want, what we want, and then we stick to that because we know. Confusion will come but....

I've learned recently to not make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings, temporary emotions, and temporary changes.  Prayer is what you should do when those temporary things crawl into your mind and your heart. God is the only one that can bring clarity and direction.

I'm not really sure how this phase of life I am in is going to end and enter into the new phase. I don't know who is going to be with me and who will have to stay in my heart only. All I know is that I have loved in this phase. 

If you're reading this, I hope you're in my next phase. I hope that you're one of the people I get to share my heart with. My struggles, my excitement, my fear, my love,. my laughs and my tears, my life...I want to share that with you. And, if you're not in my next phase, just know that there will always be a place in my heart that is only for you. My heart and my soul have smiled bigger than they ever have. I have laughed harder than I ever have and I was fearless. Adventures were made wherever life was that day. And my memories are stored in my heart. I have loved with my whole heart. For the first time in my life, I was actually living for the day and that, I am thankful for.

Friends, just remember that when your world is rocked and shifted, to just hold on tight. Hold on to God's promises. HE is what and who will keep you steady.  Things may look hopeless now or like they can't be fixed...but they can be! 
Restored and renewed. 

No matter what happens in your life, never stop loving. 

 Remember, love always hopes and always perseveres.


Let them know

I'm not really sure where to begin. All I know is that life isn't fair. And that unfair things happen to people. And what is really sad, is that people don't think about what happens when they make certain decisions. Why? Because they only think about themselves. They don't think about the other person involved, they don't think about those around them. But that's okay because we are human. We, are our first priority. 

I've learned in the years that actions truly do speak louder than words. 
I've learned that my heart is in fact, going to hurt. And tears will come. 
I've learned that not everyone who says they will be there, are there. 
And I've learned that some people may not be the best at explaining emotion or helping others understand something, and that's okay. 

Let's just say that, my heart is hurting. And nothing is really making it feel better. I'm not really sure how people can just close a door that you've been standing in. Just patiently, so very patiently, waiting in. Sometimes I think that the heart God gave me was meant for someone else. How can I, of all people, deal with things that are in my path? I look back at trials and struggles before, and remember so vividly how I felt during those times. But this, this is a different feeling. It's a feeling that's so wrong and so scary. Life really does pass us by so quickly. And I've learned that people aren't in your life forever. So to really appreciate the people that are in your life, while they are in your life. To realize that it is okay to be cared for. It is okay to let people love you and be there for you. Even if that's something you're not very used to. Or if it's just been so long since you've had people like that in your life... it's okay to be afraid. But don't let your fear drive you away from something that is good. 

As I sit here on my bed, a big t shirt, a messy ponytail, and tears streaming down my face uncontrollably, I am just overwhelmed. So much emotion, so much fear, and so much hope. There is so much to be thankful for and so many reasons to smile, but yet tonight, my heart is choosing to let some tears out. Confusion isn't something I would wish on anyone. It's not a good feeling, it's a state of numbness,..that's what I believe confusion is, You think one thing but yet it's not that...it's something completely different and it just leaves you  in a state of numbness. Just know that God is not the author of confusion. We don't always get answers we ask for, but we do get the answers that He wants us to have. I am thankful. My heart is thankful. 

Tonight, before you go to sleep, make sure the people that you care about, know that you care. 
Whether it's a simple hug or a goodnight text.
 I don't care if you are angry with them, or not speaking, or laying right next to them..just make sure they know...because you never know if their tomorrow or your tomorrow is guaranteed. 
And a life full of regret is not a life you want. 


What I want

I turned 26 on Saturday. 26. . 
Here lately, I've really taken a step back and evaluated my life. Who I am, who I feel God created me to be. Where I'm going, what I was made to do. 

I wasn't made to be a people pleaser.
I wasn't made to live my life according to other's opinions.
I was made to love.
I was made to be a light. 
I was made to share my heart.

But sometimes, like usual with life, our actions don't match up to our hearts. We feel one way but act a different way. Afraid of being judged by the world. Afraid of not being accepted. Afraid that we might mess up. Stumble over our words, forget our purpose. You name it, we will find a way to be afraid of it. 

I've realized that my heart is big. I've felt emotion my whole entire life. I've always been an emotional person. But lately, I was doubting some things. Like is it a bad thing that I feel things so strongly? Is it a bad thing that when I love others, I really love them? Or how about this one: does God really have a purpose for how my heart feels and reacts and yearns?  No, no, and yes, Those are my answers. 

So this is what I've come to...

I want my heart to be beautiful. So beautiful. That when people look at me, they actually see a beautiful heart. A heart that is so in love with it's creator. The creator of the universe. The One that knows all the stars in the skies and each strand of hair on my head. The One who intricately wove me together. The One who placed my passions in my heart. My fears, The One who loves me..forever and always. I want my heart to be beautiful because others see God's light.They see His love. 
I want them to see that my heart cries for others who are not as fortunate as me.
I want them to see the love....
For the hurting, and the healed. 
For the ones who are alone. Feeling so forsaken. 
For the ones who are so totally confused about who they are...because the world has told them to be a certain way or they won't be accepted. 
For the ones who have no idea what God is doing in their lives but that they know there is a blessing coming after the storm they are walking through. 

**I don't want these things to show to others to be like "hey look at me"..
I want these things to show, because they can start a fire in someone else's heart. To strike a chord that reveals a passion they didn't realize they had. 

I just want love to radiate from my heart. The mornings that I wake up and my mood isn't exactly great, and I want to be rude to my mother, my sister, or someone dear to me- I want to make the decision to change that..I can't show love through a bad attitude. 

When you see a beautiful heart, a beautiful soul...you don't ever forget it. 
The light that radiates off of love is intoxicating.
I want to seek God continually. Never ever stopping. I want to be full of HIS love.  

I have a feeling that my 26th year is going to be a year of unexpected. A year where I am put in even more awe and astonishment of my God. Life will change this year.. how do I know? Well, every year, life changes. Every day it changes. But God doesn't. He never changes. He's steady and constant...unlike the world today.

The past year, I have watched God take things from ashes and make them beautiful. I have stood there banging on doors that He closed only to finally realize that they were closed for a reason. I've watched plans unfold on my journey just in the last year. I've lost ones I loved and I've gained people to love. It was a pretty amazing year. 

My goal for my 26th year is to become more of the woman God created me to be and intended for me to be. To find my purpose. I want to become more and more like the Proverbs 31 woman.
I want my heart to show God's love. 


Welcome to my year of discovering. 


it's like a summer storm..

It't not a joke, it's not just some excuse..it's real and it's a battle.

Around this time last year, or a few weeks off, I decided to share and talk about my battle with depression. It wasn't easy, at all. But it's something that I know I don't face alone. 

If you haven't read that post, you can read it here

Since that post it has been a rollercoaster of a battle. Somedays I am great and other days I am not so great. I chose the route and got off my medication for it..I really believed that it was something I could learn to overcome. With time it has gotten easier but there are still some days. 

Along with depression came anxiety. I never really realized it. 
In the last several months my anxiety has been something out of this world. Thankfully, I have a great support system of people who listen, who care, and who love me. These people are patient with me. I know when I send 7 texts in a row with my thoughts that they may be slightly irritated, but they don't let that affect how they respond. I am thankful for this. I am thankful for them.

Anxiety is an evil thing. It can ruin many many things..friendships, relationships, daily life..the quality of life. It rules your thoughts and your emotions. It's like a summer storm almost. Creeps up unexpectedly and BAM hits hard, does some damage and then rolls on out like it was nothing...only to return later.

Simple statements spoken by someone get super twisted and turn into something so negative, when it wasn't a negative statement to begin with. Anxiety makes your mind feel crazy..out of sorts. It makes you feel not normal..like there is something wrong with you. 

Many times I think to myself, why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to live in constant fear? In an uncomfortable state of being?  Constantly wondering if that next text message that comes through is the end all of something. Or that phone call is just bad news waiting to be dropped on you. Anxiety brings such a negative style to your life. And you want to be positive. You want to be happy and feel free and relieved of it. But it just comes back. Your mind plays tricks on you. Makes you think things that were never even thought up in the situation at hand. It's rough. 

An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. -proverbs 12:25

Thankfully, I'm not alone in this. A very close friend of mine struggles with anxiety too..and it's always so comforting to have each other to text or call. We've sat and talked on the phone forever about some tiny little thing that wasn't anything at all, but my mind made it a big deal and turned it into a volcano. She patiently sits and listens and then helps me back down off of that thought. And vice versa with her texting me or calling me to help her. And in all of this helping one another I've realized that anxiety is something I can overcome. Something that she can overcome. Something that you can overcome. I'll give her words of advice and it's almost like something clicks for not only her but for me as well. If only I would listen to myself. 

We have it in us to beat this. I fully trust that we do. It's just how badly do you want to beat it? How badly do you want to be able to change that thought process when it starts? 

It's gotten to the point where when I feel anxiety creeping in and I feel my thought process starting to take a dive, I make it a point to try my best to stop it. I make it a point to take a deep breath and a step back and be rational. To look at whatever the situation or tiny thing it is and break it down...and to be logical and state the facts. And today for instance, she noticed that in a conversation we were having. It felt so good to know that I am making progress. Some days it'll be easy. Some days it will be really super super super tough. But it's possible

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.- Philippians 4:6-7 

My relationship with The Lord has grown even more in these last few months. I'm so thankful that that is a relationship that doesn't have a limit. Doesn't have a "fill to" line. It just goes deeper and deeper and deeper. And I know that God has had His hand in this process. He steadies my crazy beating heart and He brings a calm and a peace when I start to feel anxious.

I know it's not easy living with someone who battles this. We wake up in constant fear. Fear of someone leaving us, fear of not being good enough, fear of someone changing their mind, fear of being hurt...fear of many many things. SO, I just want to say thank you to the people who choose me on a daily basis. Who choose to love me, support me, care for me, and to listen to me. Who choose to be a part of my life. Words will never be able to tell you how thankful I am for you guys.

 They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.-Psalm 112:7 

photo credits: Sarah McCallister 


Did it even happen if..//

I know I talk about it all the time..society and how messed up it is these days. But now I think I am going to open a whole different can of worms on an issue in society. Social Media. Okay, so. Don't get me wrong..the power that social media has is AMAZING. Amazing. From keeping in touch with friends, distant friends, relatives, etc. Connecting old classmates...meeting new people. Making new friends (Shout out to my girl ABW in TX) Basically, social media has overtaken society today and is being used at rapid speed. I'm thankful for it...being a military child I moved around alot and made many many friends...through the years we've stayed connected or even reconnected. Love it. 

But there are many downfalls to social media. Many many downfalls. Some days I think we would be better off without it. Wouldn't be able to see who befriended whom on Facebook.. wouldn't see that your significant other liked some other boy/girls photos on Insta.. that's just the top of the list. You see, being so connected all the time and so aware of what is going on in people's lives..it's not good for us. Cool, yeah. Good? nah. 

Putting a mold out there of how we should look. Pressure to be a certain size or wear a certain brand or to drive a certain vehicle. Taking a picture is more like getting ready for prom. Trying to make everything so perfect. When in reality...there is no perfect. People convey through their posts and pictures that they have this oh so tidy and perfect happy little life. When in all actuality, their life is just as crazy and hectic and messy as yours. Oh, and relationships. I didn't want to go here..but I am. Are you even in a relationship with that person if it's not posted on any of the following sites: Facebook, Instagram, and ofcourse...Twitter. The answer to that is..No. The guy must be hiding something. Or the girl must be hiding him. BUT in REAL LIFE- who gives a mess if it's on social media? Last time I checked a relationship is between those two people. NOT their followers on social media. I'm just a little over this...if you're catching on to that at all. 

I'm so tired of scrolling Twitter only to see young girls today idolizing another girl their age and "wishing" she looked like her. Or taking on a new "challenge" to be like a celebrity..Yes, I'm looking at you Kylie Jenner followers. What happened to being yourself? Being the person that God created you to be..the masterpiece that He carefully molded together. What happened to being content in our own skin? What happened to genuine dating? What happened to keeping a relationship private and letting it grow and flourish without the outside opinions playing a part? I saw an article the other day about a girl who's boyfriend was proposing and she literally pulled out her phone to take a picture to Instagram....wait...WHAT? WHAT? Don't get me wrong...that is such an exciting moment and part of life. But that's like having a child and telling the Dr..oh wait, let me take a picture before the baby comes fully out...COME ON. We ruin some of life's greatest things and greatest moments so we can snap a picture. What is wrong with us? 

I'm so guilty of this. So I'm talking to myself as I write this. It really breaks my heart that in certain areas of life, I don't feel confident in things because of the pressures that come from social media. Like, I can't believe I really just typed that out. I can't understand why that is true. Makes me so sad and so frustrated.

Remember, it's easy to get caught up in it. It's so easy to make everything seem so perfect. But behind the pictures the truth remains. And the truth is, that God didn't create you intending for you to conform to the mold of this world. He didn't create you to constantly compare your life to someone else's. Your journey is different from every single person's on this Earth. Certain things in life need privacy...let things grow how they should. Let's stop letting social media define our relationships, our lives, and especially who we are...because you are worth so much more than letting society define you. 



from the ashes

I know life is hard. It's rough. It gets so tough. The only thing you feel you have energy left for is to just quit. Heck, you're not sure you even have the tiny bit of energy that it takes to quit. Life can suck.
Especially in the times when you're just questioning everything. Everything you've worked so hard for, everything that you know. When it all goes to shambles and you're just left standing, wondering what the heck is going on. How one day things are so normal and great and then the next morning you wake up and it all starts to go downhill. You never saw it coming. In these moments giving up is the most desirable thing. It's the one thing that is on replay in your mind. Over and over and over again, all you hear is just quit. Nobody cares. Look at the mess in front of you. Just quit. You're never going to reach your goals and your dreams. You're not good enough.

You, will make a way
Teach me now, to trust
To lift, my eyes again
When all hope is dust

I am here today to just remind you that you are good enough. That you can reach those goals and your dreams. The messes of life get us down. I know. They beat you down until you feel like you just can't go anymore. Your mind, your heart, your soul, your body is weak. Tired. You mentally are done. But, quitting isn't the answer. It seems like your hope is gone. In ashes on the floor. Some of you may not even be sure about your faith anymore. Just so shaken and unsure. Unsure of what God is doing. Why is all of this happening? But, are you remembering His promises?  Do you remember that in the times of trial and chaos and confusion, that He is molding you. He is building you. He is defining your character. 
He is preparing you

You will breathe again
Resurrect, these faults
And all your promises
I won't forget
You won't let me go

It may seem like this storm isn't passing anytime soon. But it will pass. I promise you that. There are days I just look back and think about the nights I would just lay in bed and cry. I'd cry for hours until I fell asleep. I was so confused. I was feeling abandoned by God. My heart was hurting. I didn't understand why I was walking through the storm I was walking through. I had to daily (multiple times a day) remind myself that there is purpose in the trial. 


Swipe left or right?

I am so disgusted. Let me just be real. 

So here I am, on a Friday night, just wasting time and trying to make myself sleepy. I come across a familiar face and saw that this picture was from "LuLu"..whatever that may be. So, I download the app to see what it's about. What I found was something I wish I never knew existed.... Are we really to the point of publicly rating people? How great they are in the bedroom? How sketchy they are? How great the "hook up" was... COME ON. Last time I checked the bedroom was something that was suppose to be private...

Broke my little heart. 

I am so disappointed and disgusted with today's society and people. People in general. How they go about dating. How they go about loving others. I'm just not sure where we are all headed. But I can tell you it's not happily ever after. It's fighting and divorce and ungodly marriages and relationships. 

I'm speechless. Between tinder, this lulu crap, and all the other "dating" apps & sites there are... there is no hope..no hope for me or for you. I'm not into that one night stand or the "I'll call you when I want you to be in my bed" type of deal. It's not okay. For some-it's perfectly wonderful. Have fun with that. One day you'll wake up and wonder why you feel so empty and so violated...so alone. Just turn on your phone and you'll see why. And yes, before we go any further- I participated in the tinder fad.. but quickly deleted it. And I definitely didn't have the app for sex..Let's get that straight.

So here's the thing. And what I'm about to say my upset some of you-- if so, I'm not sorry....

where are MEN these days? When I look around All I see are boys. Boys who can't commit. Boys who would rather play games. Boys who have someone so great in their lives but keep her on the side just in case another dime piece comes along. BOYS who keep these sorry apps. Boys who want respect but their actions are a far cry from respect. 

BUT where are the WOMEN? Ladies, we've got to pull our part too. We can't walk around here thinking these males need to grow up and man up..when you yourself are running around with a different guy each week. You can't expect any man to respect you when you don't give him anything to respect...I mean let's be real here. 

****Side note: there ARE great, amazing, men and women out there. This post is just based on society and the population..and all these articles that are being posted daily with "dating advice"..

SO what happened? And what happens now? What happens next? 

For starters, grow up. Man up. Woman up. Delete those stupid stupid apps...especially if you have a significant other. That's crappy of you.

In a relationship? SHAME ON YOU. STAY OFF those things. Remember, your eyes are the windows to your soul and your heart. Be careful. 

Not in a relationship? GET OFF YOUR BUTT and go meet people in PERSON. Guys, take someone on a date. Girls, GO ON A REAL DATE.

Listen, if you like someone, go for it. Pursue that person. Find out if you want to keep pursuing them. But don't be half in.

I know I don't really want someone who half way wants to be in my life. They are here but they've got one foot out the door.
Where's the sincerity in that? It's like they were already planning to leave. Please, walk on out if that's the plan. Don't settle and allow that in your lives people!

I am just so heated and amazed right now. At the rate we are all going, none of us are going to get married. Select few, yes. But all the rest... just going to keep swiping and rating and living "fun", I mean miserable, lives. 

Gotta say, I'm swiping left on this topic.