9.15.2014

Worthy

I woke up this morning and grabbed my phone to see what time it was. 6:00A.M...seriously? Why am I awake? Ugh.  I laid there and closed my eyes and tried my hardest to fall back asleep. Nothing. Still wide awake. Hmm..I could do my devotional. No. No I will just lay here and make myself fall back asleep. I closed my eyes again..still nothing. The devotion popped in my thoughts again. I knew God was tugging at my heart. REALLY? Okay. I'm getting up. I pulled on my Patagonia pullover, grabbed my Bible and my notebook and my pen and devotional book. Walked outside and sat on the back patio. As I sat there and looked at the pool, I could hear birds chirping. It was a bit breezy and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Hmm. 

I flipped to today's date and started reading. I automatically froze. Okay, God. I see what you're doing. I see. I read the words that still haunt me. They fill my heart with so much promise...that got me through the day.



Today I realized there is so much beauty in letting go of things that God never intended for us to carry. I realized that the past few weeks I have been picking things up that I have already laid at His feet. I would hand them over and then hours later, I'd be thinking over it all again. 

The thing is, you see, when we are constantly carrying these ordeals that God doesn't want us to carry, it is wearing us down. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When that starts happening, so many doors open and it is so easy for untrue thoughts to creep in. I am specifically referring to worth. 

Here lately, I've really been trying to understand this. I have been reminding myself of my worth. I know I talk about this a good bit. But it is so super important. 

The world is always always always going to expect you to be a certain way...and it's NOT the way that God has intended you to be.

God has set you apart from this world. Remember that. Remember that how other people think you should be, isn't how you should be. Don't conform. Don't belittle yourself. Remind yourself who you are. Remind yourself that your identity is found in Jesus!

People are going to come and go in our lives. Let it go. Let go of what was and accept what is. Remind yourself that God is never going to ask you to give something away, if He didn't have better for you. People come into our lives for a reason. You may not understand what the reason is now, but you will.

So, take every trial. Take every struggle, and smile. Know that God is walking with you on this journey to the exact stops He has planned for you.

9.09.2014

The real truth..

I've sat in this spot so many times in the past week. Trying so desperately to write and get my emotions out. I couldn't. But tonight, tonight I am ready.

A lot has happened in the past oh, three weeks. 
Instead of having joy and reminding myself that God has a far greater plan for my life, I've been miserable. We will get to that in a few minutes. 

I just need to say these next few things. I have felt so discouraged. So alone. So empty. So broken. Literally, my heart has been feeling nothing but brokenness. I wake up, I somehow get through the day, and I go to bed. In all the in-between time, I was either crying, checking snapchat scores, or doing both at the same time. I was questioning myself. I was questioning God. I was ignoring things. I was putting things off. I was shutting people out. I didn't care what anyone said. I was broken. I was full of sadness.  

In the midst of all of that, I seem to have forgotten my identity. I forgot Jesus. I forgot what He did for me on that cross. I ignored it. I felt like there was a huge wall and my prayers were being blocked from reaching God. I felt like God wasn't with me. That He had other things to tend to...more important things. You guys, I've been in some deep dark lonely times. I've shared them on here. But this. This beat that. It was like I got so caught up in the darkness. I let the enemy influence my thoughts, my actions, my emotions. He made me think I was unworthy. He made me think that I clearly wasn't good enough. 

I have been literally physically and mentally exhausted since last Tuesday. I have made myself sick. I have stressed myself out more than anyone ever should. I have thought, processed, over thought, over-processed so many things that my brain hates me. I was letting my idea and worldly desires rule me. I was letting emotions have full reign and it was a downward spiral. 

Tonight, I sat in my car drinking my Dunkin donuts coffee, contemplating if I was going to go into this small group meeting. I missed the first meeting last week, and I just wasn't sure if I wanted to face God's presence tonight. Better yet, if I was worthy of being in God's presence. After some encouragement from Nichole, I decided to go in. Let me tell you, I am so glad that I did. The topic of the night was struggles. Perfect. After the "elephant on my chest" feeling faded, I realized that I am not alone in these struggles. But I have been embarrassed of these struggles.......

Constantly checking snapchat to see if snap scores have gone up, constantly checking Instagram, checking to see if I have any new texts. Seriously...I literally have thought I am going crazy. I felt crazy. Like this isn't normal character of Me. This isn't normal character of, Megan.

I left feeling a bit better and excited for next week's meeting. Once I got home I got to pinning away on Pinterest and thought about a blog I have been meaning to read. Well, I am so glad I did. It is so nice to know other people are feeling, thinking, and struggling with what I am. I'm not alone. In fact, I was never alone. God has been with me. Waving his hands wildly in front of my face just trying to get my attention. But I didn't choose to see Him. Instead I chose to dwell, and imagine the worst case scenarios. 

I watched this video.
Then I watched it again.
It comforted me. I felt my heart racing and tears forming in my eyes. I felt like I had been screaming for someone to understand and finally, finally someone heard. 

God is my strength. He is my hope. He has and is exactly what I need. It's time that I take advice of my mother, and my close friends and I trust the process. It's time that I finally yield and let God have His way. It's time that I stop making myself miserable.

Because, what is broken, God fixes. What is lost, God restores. 
 I refuse to let the enemy get into my mind and encourage me to dwell on these changes that have occurred in my life. I refuse to let him have any sway over my life. So friends, it's time you let go. Let go of your shame. Let go of your hurt. Let go of your fear. You're not crazy. You're not alone.  
You're exactly where you need to be for God to meet you and mold you.


8.25.2014

What are you going to choose?

There are days and there are moments that I wish I could go back and erase. That I wish I could take back.

Here lately my emotions have been all over the place. Changes are happening in my life right now and they are some big changes. My sister just moved to Mississippi for college. Someone I have grown to care for leaves in a week or so. And a sweet friend has moved off. To say I feel alone..well I know that wouldn't be fair to say. I have my parents, I have my animals....I have...fellow classmates?

My point. 

You see, I dreaded these upcoming days of my sister moving and people leaving. I dreaded them and I missed out. I missed out on moments that I could have kept with me forever. I'm not regretting.. I am just realizing. All this realization brings so many emotions. It's gotten to the point where I work and try so hard to push these people away. I mean they're just leaving anyways. So I might as well get an early start on being without them. Seriously y'all...this is what my thinking has come to. It's sad. It's ridiculous. Why don't I just snap out of it?

Is it because I would rather dwell and be miserable than spend my last few days having an amazing time and making memories? Am I jaded? Am I stupid? Because I am really starting to think that I am crazy. 

It breaks my heart to stand back and watch myself push people away. To close out people because I'd rather not feel anything at all. Because I've been so hurt, and by the small age of 24, I've already non verbally said that I am staying away from love and from feelings. I am staying away from caring about another human being in a way that would make me attached to him. To miss this person. To feel love and excitement. To feel my heart break in a way that it's never felt. 

Why? Why is it like this?

All I know is that I am tired of it. It makes me so mad to think about how "women" and "men" play games these days. Can't we just be genuine? What happened to truth and honesty? What happened to genuinely pursing only ONE person and seeing if there is anything that could bloom from it? What happened to the days when there wasn't snapchat and facebook messaging? To see a girl casually but quickly pop up on his snapchat top friends list. Or to look over and see a Facebook message from a guy on her phone. Why can't we just be honest people? Why can't we each just take a step back and reevaluate. At the rate this generation is going everyone is going to be on Tinder still. Sitting next to the girl or guy you claim to care for, but yet you're swiping left or right..whichever stupid way you swipe to say yes.

Seriously..this fires me up. 
It's sad when you leave the room and your first thought while leaving the room is that he  is about to snap another girl or that she is about to text some other guy. Why? Why are we like this today?

I can tell you why..but I don't know if y'all are ready for it....so, here goes.
LAZINESS. We are all so lazy. SO LAZY. What happened to genuine dating? These days everyone is just looking for that next yes. The next yes to get in the bed together and then say "see ya around." The world today is crap. 

So after all of this rant...I am going to say this. 
This next week, I am going to soak in every minute. I am going to make memories. I will love, I will laugh and I will remember that our time here is short. Instead of letting the past hurt get to me and scare me out of something amazing, I will look this right in the eye and walk on. Not everyone is the same. 

Girls, not every guy is going to be like the last scumbag you dated. There are honest and genuine guys are there. And Guys, not every girl is going to sleep with you. Not every girl is on the prowl looking for her next bed to lay in. There are genuine girls who respect themselves out there. Who are just praying that a genuine guy is brought into their life.

So to the two that have left and the one that is leaving, I cherish you each. I am sorry for letting this world and this society scare me. I am sorry for all the crazy girl emotions that I have been feeling. But I am not sorry for all the smiles and the laughs and the moments that seemed so small, but yet seem to take up so much space in my heart. I am not sorry for the time we have spent together and I am surely not sorry for the way I care for each of you. 


So take my advice, as I am talking it myself...it's NOW OR NEVER. 

Are you going to sit the bench and miss out on what could possibly be the most amazing thing? Or are you going to get out there and live like you've never lived before?

I am choosing to get out there and live like I have never lived before.

7.31.2014

My LIST//

I've been asking questions a lot lately. Like a lot of questions.
I'm still processing things in my life and where I'm going. 

I'm always coming across the articles online that have to do with "Being single in your twenties" and  "46 things that justify still being in college in your mid-twenties" , and blah blah blah blah. It is so so annoying. (Insert the emoji hand claps between "so so" up there.) But yet I read them, and I laugh and I find myself agreeing with certain things and totally understanding where the writer is coming from. I totally get it when that writer says "It's totally okay to guzzle wine when you see that yet ANOTHER friend has gotten engaged." ..Ohhhh girl. or guy. whoever you are writing that article...I get you. I got you. I understand you.

I've always been the type of girl who can't wait for marriage and to have kids and to have that sweet southern life. Not anymore. Where did that girl go?? Uhhm..hopefully far far far far away. Ain't no marriage or babies in my future for a LONG LONG time. I mean, if God brings that special person to my life then obviously I would have a change of heart and mind. This is just how I feel lately. (But Yes, I am about to turn 25. And no, I don't think I should have a kid by now. Thank you though.)

I get it. I do. I really get it--people are defined by these things. Defined by their relationship status. Defined by their parental status. Oh, you're 21 and have a baby? That is too young. Oh, you're 27 and not married nor have kids? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Seriously...that is what it sounds like these days. In my case it's more of "oh I'm sure you'll end up with what's-his-face." Wait, I like this one better...."So when are you getting married? Me:Uhhh I don't even have a boyfriend..sooo not anytime soon. Them: Oh I'm sure men are just chasing after you. Pay them some attention. You're getting older now and need to settle down." SETTLE DOWN? SERIOUSLY?? PUH-LEEEAAASE. If I settle down anymore I would be a flipping TREE. C'mon now.

So if you're not tired of my ranting yet, great. If you are...you don't have to keep reading..

SO Here is MY list, yes my own personal thoughts listed out as to why I am just fine and happy with how I am living my little 24 year old life:

1. Me, myself, and I. - seriously. I don't have to answer to anyone. I am only responsible for MYSELF. I am able to focus on ME, and who I AM. What I want to do with my life. Where I want to go. What kind of person do I want to be with? Better yet, what kind of person do I want to be.

2. Living at home- Okay, so yeah, I do live at home with my parents. But while all you kiddos who live in the same town as your parents but just had to get your own place as soon as you graduated high school so you could feel like the adult that you weren't (yes, I went there.) - I have been living at home. Rent free. Yes, I pay my own bills, but seriously..there's a trust between my parents and I so I've been free to come and go as I please and be responsible. Thanks mom and dad. Oh, and did I mention saving money comes into play here?? Yep. #BOOM.

3. I work from home- A LOT of people do not understand this. Like at all. And that's okay...because I really honestly don't care to explain myself. All I can say is that two years ago an amazing opportunity fell into my lap and ever since then I've been working for this company. Right up my degree alley. Social media smart. So yes, doubters, I DO work in SOCIAL MEDIA and guess what?! IT'S A JOB! It's a CAREER!

4. College life- I love the fact that I am still in college. I love wearing yoga tights and big t's every day with a fleece pullover. I love stopping by that Dunkin Donuts by campus and I LOVE, I repeat I LOVE school supplies. In fact, I CAN'T WAIT for classes to start up in two weeks. So yes, this may be my 6th year in college but it's because my 2nd year I HATED the career track I was on so I decided to go a different route and really took the time to figure out what I wanted to do in my life. To find and do something that I love. To excel at it. Guess what? I found it.

5. I do what I want- Baseball games, Dairy Queen, Ben&Jerry's, FRIENDS, laying out, spending three hours at the gym....staying up late just laughing with someone, being ME, loving life...drinking coffee in my hammock.. DOING NOTHING...driving with the music up and windows down..all because I can. All because I am learning to embrace this life. Day by day. Moment by moment. Not stressing or worrying about tomorrow and the future to come. Not worrying about making someone upset with me. Not worrying about getting broken up with. Not worrying about a thing.

Y'all..life is short. Too short. So make sure that you are living your life how YOU want to live it. NOT how someone else wants you to live it. Be who you want to be. Love who you want to love. 

Take chances. Date that boy...or Boys date that girl. Be honest. Take the risk to trust. Let go of the past. Meet new people, make memories, laugh, have fun, travel and explore. Go fishing.  Just don't make yourself grow up at someone else's pace. 
Do YOU. BE YOU.


7.21.2014

Wrecked.

It's been a little over a month since I last posted. For the past almost 5 weeks I have been out here working PR at camp. There really aren't words that can describe how amazing this place is. How amazing the people are here: campers and staff. 

Pictures found here.

But today, today I am struggling. I thought I was past this point of struggle. Today I felt my heart break a little. Today I questioned myself and my strength. I questioned myself if I can really handle this...emotionally and mentally. This place leaves such an impact on your life. Your heart. Your thoughts. I questioned and questioned and questioned myself. 

As I sit here in our little office, I see a picture of my sister and I on my desk. I hear her words and I feel her prayers for me. But I am struggling. Usually I can put on a smile and forget what's hurting. But today, no smile was put on and it seemed as though all my strength had disappeared. My heart is exhausted but yet so full.
My mind is exhausted but thankful.

I am emotionally wrecked. 
In a wonderful way and in a sad way. 
My life is being forever changed, no doubt. 


But I am also seeing the true daily life with disability and it breaks my heart. 
All I can do is cry and love these sweet people, and try my best to make their week the best it can be.  

And in the middle of trying to do all of that, they are changing my heart. One by one.

I don't like how I have felt today. I have been battling all day long. Trying to remind myself that God has a plan and a reason for sending me here. I love this camp. I love these people. But it is hard. I'm not even a counselor. I am PR staff. I take pictures. I make videos. I laugh. I spend as much time as I can with campers. My passion is to tell their stories through videos and pictures. To capture emotion and precious moments that could easily be forgotten. 

But I am still wrecked at the end of the day. At the end of the week. 

Pictures found here..oh & creeping with the camera back there on these beautiful campers!


Tonight, I am praying for peace. I am praying for strength. I need my heart to be still.

6.16.2014

be all there..

It's been a good few weeks since I've posted. Trust me, I've tried. But everytime I came to post, I just hit a wall. 

But tonight, my heart is open. It is open and ready to share what it is full of. 
First things first..I said goodbye to my sister a week ago today.. She is up in Nashville at Belmont enjoying her two weeks of SLA. I leave this coming Sunday, the 22nd, and start my journey out at Camp ASCCA. Anxious doesn't even describe what I am. The fact that this time next week I will be winding down my first day there, kinda scares me. Excites me more though. I have no idea what this summer holds for me. I don't know what tomorrow even holds for me..but I do know that God has placed this journey in my life for a reason. A purpose. I cannot wait to see what that purpose is. 


 I love watching myself grow and become a stronger woman

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot. Working on taking things and taking life literally one day at a time. No looking back. No wishing for tomorrow. But focusing on the day that is right in front of me. So far so good. There's been an overwhelming peace flowing through me lately. I'm not quite sure what it is. I love watching myself grow and become a stronger woman.  
 They've let me do my thing, they've allowed me to make my own mistakes



My life hasn't turned out like I always thought and planned it would. That my friends, I am beyond thankful for. I am so thankful that God's plan is so much bigger and so much better than my own plans. Sure, I am 24 almost 25.. been out of high school for 6 years and just now seeing a light at the end of the tunnel for my college career. But I am okay with that. I have been blessed to have a family who supports me. A family that not only rolled their eyes and said "let's see how this goes", when I told them my plans to leave Communication and head to Nursing school..but a family that stood and encouraged me and supported me. Cheered me on. And the day that I came home and told them I was done with Nursing school and I was going back to Comm. they were super supportive. They've let me do my thing, they've allowed me to make my own mistakes. They've let me choose my own walk in my faith. They've disagreed with choices and decisions I was making in my life. They cried for me. They prayed for me. That, I am thankful for. 


This journey of life is a crazy crazy ride. It amazes me and baffles me at the same time. I love walking it out and learning day by day. I love being independent...not needing a man to fulfill my self worth. I love the friends that God has brought and placed in my life in the past couple months. Some friendships have formed that will be here forever. 

It's okay that I may just now be figuring out life and where I am going. Heck, some days I don't even know where I am going. But it's okay. For the first time in years, I am able to enjoy my age, my life, and make decisions without worrying about consequences. 

Some days I don't even know where I am going. But it's okay....



these lyrics, I have been repeating over and over in my heart.. I hope you can find comfort in them for whatever trial you may be walking through...

Your light will shine through the darkness
Your word will calm every crashing wave
My hope it lies in Your promise
My faith it stands on the empty grave" 









5.29.2014

Dear Little Sister....



I'm not going to lie, I really wasn't too thrilled and stuck on the idea of you having the same birthday as me. Like why couldn't mom just wait another day? That was my day. But, when I look at this picture I see such joy. Little did I know the plan that God had for us. Little did I know you would be the golden child and I would be the bad black sheep. Okay, just kidding...but really. 

I've watched you morph and grow and change and become the young woman you are today. We are so different, but yet so much alike. 

Tomorrow you graduate from high school. I am glad you were the second Carruth name to go through.. you left our last name with a good feeling at Prattville High. (sorry if teachers didn't like you at first. That's my fault..) 
The scariest moment of my life so far was the moment I got that diploma in my hand and walked back to my seat. I remember the lump in my throat, and the tears that flowed. I couldn't breathe. I was scared. 
But you, you have so much to look forward to starting. 

It breaks my heart to think about all the years I wasted. I wasted so much time not getting to know you. Not seeing that you were my best friend. You were just that annoying little thing down the hall, who took my things and constantly got me in trouble. But now, now I dread the first nights and first mornings that I walk by your room and you aren't laying in bed reading your Bible, with Hillsong on. Or you aren't hogging all the hot water or busting into my room to borrow a pullover. I dread it. No one to sit across from me at the dinner table. To casually exchange a look when mom or dad is rambling on and lecturing to us. No one to share a chicken leg with(HAHA). 

Life is about to change. It's about to change big time. I have a little over a week left with you. You leave for SLA and then two weeks later, off I go to camp until August. August. August. The month you leave. The month you pack up your cute new car and drive away. Everyone leaves. The past year, everyone has walked out of my life. But you stayed. You saw me. The deep dark place I was in. And you cared. I will never forget the text you sent to me at 1:30AM last June while I was in a bar..drunk. You were asking me if I had heard Hillsong's new song. Immediately I caved and told you everything. What I felt in those few minutes of texting with you, I will never forget. 

There's a Katy Perry song and there is a part that I listen to over and over again:

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free 




Mikayla, you are my best friend. You know me maybe better than I know myself. Your heart is so pure. So on fire for God and for His Kingdom. Your words and actions match up and are always genuine. You are one of a kind. I can't wait to see what God does with your life in this new chapter. 

I thank you for everything. And I thank you for 18 amazing years so far. 
Just think..in August when this hall goes empty, that's going to be new. One day we will be bringing home our husbands and kids to mom and dad's house. Weird. 
I thank you. 
I love you. 
I am PROUD of you.
I am honored to be Mikayla Carruth's sister. 

Now, Go Choctaws!
-meg aka: sissssaaaay.

ps. I love that we have the same birthday.
And I will ALWAYS give you a hard time about your terrible driving skills, sense of direction, and losing things...I mean..that's what big sisters are for!