the ego hurts you//

So lately, I've been coming across article after article- all focused on a girl not ever forgetting how "he hurt her heart".. how she will never forget how he loved her but left her hurting. As I read these articles, over and over again, I reach a point of irritation. 

And it's okay for me to feel irritated at this because I was that woman. I was the woman holding onto pain and the memory of something and comparing that to my present.  
Comparing someone to the man of the past. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair to the person in front of me. As time has passed, I've let go of the hurt, the pain, and the anger. I've released the memories and made room for the new memories and moments that await me. It's refreshing. 

Today, I came across a quote that said: 

"the ego hurts you like this:
you become obsessed with the one person who does not love you. Blind to the rest who do." -Warsan Shire

I saved that quote so quickly. 

It's so sad that we can get so wrapped up in memories and the past, and people of the past- that we totally and completely miss what is right in front of us. We miss the present. So worried and caught up that we forget to breathe. To take a deep breath and just release the negativity and the ones who no longer serve a purpose in our lives. 

This is hitting me like a ton of bricks the past few weeks. 
And I've made a promise to myself and to my present. 
To live in the moment and to stop playing the "what if" game. To genuinely care for and enjoy each person in my life. Right in front of me. Because God knows what He is doing. He knows who belongs and who doesn't belong in our lives. Stop questioning Him. Stop thinking He made a mistake. Surrender and even though you may not understand what He is doing, have the attitude of 
"God, I'm here. I'm not sure of what is really going on. But this is where You have me. I'm going to live and breathe and share You. On this day, in this moment. In this present time. One day at a time."

Stop missing what's happening in front of you.

photo credits: Sarah McCallister, Prattville, Alabama.


Fading like truth//

So, here I am. Sitting in my sweats with wet hair. My nerd glasses on. My "feel good" playlist blaring away and a glass of wine and four bags of candy sitting next to me. Wild Friday night yall. 

I've been feeling different here the last few weeks. My heart has been feeling different. It's like I am experiencing freedom. Freedom from all those burdens I was carrying. All the brokenness that overtook me. The hurt. The tears. The pain. 

And as I sit here, I am literally speechless. I'm in awe. 

I went back and read all my posts since like August. There are two posts that I just can't shake the thought of. 

They were written ten days apart. And they were in September. The month that seemed like my life wouldn't ever get over. 

Go read them. Then come back to this post. 


What amazes me is that I was in such a deep dark place. So dark. So broken. And broken is a word that literally describes perfectly of who I was at that time. My heart was broken, my confidence was broken. My worth. 

I am so amazed to be able to sit here right now and feel such peace and such wholeness. It's like I re-found my identity in Jesus Christ. When I finally stopped making excuses and I finally was sick and tired of making myself miserable, I was able to walk away from that point of my life. 

You guys, God is so faithful. He really is. And I know you hear people say that and you believe it but yet you're just not 100% sure if it's true. Because you're just waiting for God to show in your life. Let me tell you, He is there and He has shown up in your life. Look around. Look at what you're doing in your life. Is it pulling you further from Him to where you just can't see? 

He literally brought me from rock bottom years ago. That valley I was in 6 months ago, I never thought I would get out from it. But I did. I am so in love with our creator. He is kind, He is loving. He is faithful, and He is relentless.

I now know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I deserve and what I have to offer. And I know that God has a plan. 

Let God heal your brokenness. Let Him restore whatever it is in your life that needs restoring.

Because what is broken, God fixes. What is lost, God restores. 

Remember, even in the darkest of times, 
the sun WILL rise and it will be a new day.


Not inadequate...

Today's society is so screwed up. 
It makes me mad. 

When did it become okay and acceptable  to press upon women that they aren't beautiful if their outward appearances don't match up to par? IT'S NOT OKAY.

I am so sick of seeing young girls and women sizing themselves up to others. Sick of it. 

What's your definition of beauty? Take a moment to think about it. 
Is it the shade of blonde someone is? The high cheekbones? Big boobs? Big booty? Perfect shade of blue eyes?

Sure, we like to look good. I know it. I love it when my eyebrows are on point and my blush accents my cheeks in the perfect way. I love it. But yall, let's be real right now. You could have the most beautiful outward appearance but have the nastiest heart. 

I don't know about you but having a ugly heart is not something I want. 

I want people to look at me and just see a light that is so contagious. A light and beauty that draws them to me. A beauty that isn't my own, but God's light. 

I just want you to feel good about yourself. To be comfortable in your own skin. To unashamedly know who you are and where your worth comes from. I want you to know that you are beautiful. 
This world is so big and society is on crack. 
We all feel like we get lost in the crowd. Someone is always prettier and someone is always a step ahead of you in the beauty/style department. That breaks my heart. 

How about instead of making it a competition between us women, how about we empower and inspire one another. Let's lift each other up and remind each other where our beauty truly comes from. We are here to compete with each other. We were given this life to love each other. We serve an "each other" God. We aren't to be about ourselves 24/7, but to be about others. What can we do for someone else? How can we serve God today? 

Yall, you know I go on rants like this all the time. But here lately, this has just become so heavy on my heart. It makes me so sad to see a beautiful young woman so afraid and against letting someone see her without makeup on. Or for her to feel so inadequate and unloved. 

I want to put a stop to this. I want to be someone who brings this reminder daily. 

God says we are all created in HIS IMAGE. HIS IMAGE. 
HE IS PERFECT.. so how dare society today tell someone that they are not beautiful. That they are not good enough. Here's a news flash...you are good enough. 

Ladies, I want you to always remember that with or without makeup, you are perfect. **(please do not think I am saying you shouldn't wear makeup! I am the queen of caking it on! I love getting fancy and dolled up.) But this week, I wore make up everyday and on the 3rd day of putting it on I was so over it. I was like I don't even need this. Like why? Let me just wear sweats and no make up and a ball cap. 
That is when I truly feel the most beautiful.

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Beautiful in every way."  -Song of Solomon 4:7

The first step to becoming comfortable in your own skin is to soak in and remember what God has said. To realize that your true beauty radiates from within.

When you start looking at someone's heart and how beautiful and good it is, then every single thing about that person becomes so beautiful and irresistible. 

Remember your worth. Remember where your identity comes from. Realize you are beautiful.


My heart didn't break...

I've always thought there's something so beautiful in making yourself vulnerable.
Putting yourself out there and knowing there would be acceptance or rejection.
There's something so pure and so refreshing in saying exactly what you want to say. Saying it to someone that you wouldn't dare say it to.

This moment came for me this week.
All thanks to my stylist and a simple reply from her that said "you need to tell him exactly what you just texted to me." 

Uhhhmm...I'm sorry..what? NO. Absolutely not. No. Not happening.
But the more and more I sat there trying to breathe and to calm myself down. Trying to stop the flood of tears and the anxiety, I realized something. I have nothing to lose. Nothing.

So, pride to the side. Text typed out. Vulnerable words just waiting for me to hit the send button. One day later I hit the send button.

Annnnnnd the rest of the story goes exactly how I imagined it would. 
Nothing like a love story. But every bit like a heartbreaking, Kleenex needing, wine guzzling, emotional movie. 

My heart didn't break. 
I didn't need Kleenex. 
I did have a glass of wine. 

It makes me laugh when people claim to know me. But then what they forget is that when a writer falls in love with you, you never die. You live forever in our minds and in our writings. You inspire.

So when I say this, I say it with certainty...
My words will haunt you. My face will never leave your mind. And one day you will wake up and realize that you're haunted by the fact that you lost a woman who can never be replaced.

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Don't be afraid of someone walking away. Shoot, let them walk. When someone who doesn't belong in your life finally exits your life, it makes room for the new and for the plan God has.

Remember, it's okay to cut off those ties that bring you down and constantly keep you on a roller coaster. It's okay to let go. Remember what you deserve.

I finally had the courage to let go of what was causing me so much sadness and hurt. And I will cherish that moment forever. It doesn't make the person you're letting go of bad...has nothing to do with them..but everything to do with how strong you are

Photo Credits: Sarah McCallister


Just a band aid

Scrolling Instagram today and I come across this quote:

"The fact that someone else loves you, doesn't rescue you from the project of loving yourself" -Sahaj Kohli

Re read that again if you need to. Let it digest. 
If that's not a pill to swallow, then I don't even know what to say. 

Often too many times we find ourselves single. Watching all of our friends and strangers with significant others. Sharing life together and smiles and laughter. And probably some tears. We often decide to throw ourselves a little pity party on Friday night while they are off enjoying date night. {Enter scene} Ben and Jerry's, Redbox, wine, chocolate and Twizzlers. 

Until suddenly, it hits you. "I am single. I am single!" You think to yourself. So much can be done! Automatically you start envisioning how tomorrow you're going to embrace that singleness. Boiling it all down to you looking absolutely hot and making every man desire you. But is that really what singleness is about? Is that really the goal we should be setting to reach in our singleness? I know in my mind, the answer is no. Sure, we want to look good and it's a good feeling to know that someone wants you. That someone desires you. But there's so so much more to it. 

Starting with yourself. Being single isn't a bad thing. It's not a bad thing at all. It just means the right person isn't here yet. You haven't found that person you want to pursue something with. Well, unless you have but that person doesn't feel the same as you. That's a totally different ballgame.

Realizing this can be a light for some. But while in this process it's so important to learn to love yourself. To be perfectly happy with yourself. To enjoy time alone with yourself. To be okay alone. It takes some time for this to happen. For some it's longer than others. And that's O K A Y.

When someone does come along and genuinely wants to pursue you and is genuinely interested in you- and if you feel the same way about them- COOL! You go on a date and then more dates and then start seeing each other multiple times a week and you're happy and things are going so smoothly, blah blah blah- all the while you may forget to be learning to love yourself. Maybe you didn't fully get through the process with yourself. Someone came along and liked you and accepted you for who you are and that was enough, you thought. But a few months down the road when the newness isn't so new and you start to see insecurities rise within yourself, you realize that you're still empty. You're still not completely full. It's because you never faced those insecurities you have. You never took the time to learn yourself. To be face to face with your fears and your negative thoughts. Never got the chance to be alone and to truly actually learn to love yourself. 

If you don't love yourself, then you need to get on it. 
Learn what {your name} loves. 
Learn what {your name} feels insecure about, and kick that insecurity out.
Learn learn learn learn learn YOU.

Someone loving you isn't a band aid . It doesn't heal and fix. 

No, instead it just covers up. Covers up everything that you didn't face. Take the band aid off and face yourself. Even if you are dating someone, you can still face yourself and learn to love yourself. 

Take time out of each day to pray, to read God's word, to read books that will help you understand certain things. Remind yourself how beautiful and flawless you truly are.  

This isn't an easy task. I am still learning to love myself each and every day. And there are many days where the thought creeps in and tries to sway me to believe that I am not good enough and that's why it didn't work out. Or that I'm not beautiful and that's why I am alone. 

Both of those are lies. Satan loves loves loves to make you feel unworthy and NOT good enough. But the King of the universe says that you are worthy and that you are good enough and that you are loved. 

Take the time to search yourself and love yourself. Take the band aid of someone else loving you off...Trust me, you won't regret it. 


a different ballgame...

Feels like it's been awhile since I've posted. It has been. So many times I would sit down and just have the yearning to write and say so much but then nothing would come out. I think I'm ready though. So....

I sit here on my bed, so comfy and so cozy. "Steady Heart" streaming from my iPad. And millions of words scribbled onto the pages of my favorite little notebook. There are moments in the day were I literally have to whisper to myself, be still. Be still my anxious heart. God's plan, His timing.  

I feel my life slowly getting back to normal. I'm not silently suffocating or gasping for air. I'm not just walking around numb and waiting to feel something. The numbness has worn off and the sting isn't as painful. I've come to terms with the fact that this is God's plan for my life. I know, that doesn't sound too thrilled, does it? Don't let the text fool you. I am thankful for God's plan for my life. These struggles have strategically been placed. When my heart was hurting. when the tears were rolling down my cheeks, He wiped them. When I would cry and scream at God because of the hurt my heart felt. Hurt. Confusion. How could these be from you God? How can you make your child feel this way? The whole time these thoughts were happening and these words were being thrown at Him, He was wrapping His arms around me like a mother does to her child. All the while saying "hush child. It is okay. It's going to make sense one day. This pain is not without purpose. This weakness is not without strength. I know it hurts. I know the pain you are feeling. Let me help you my child. Come to me.

While God was whispering that, I was running. Then stopping. Then trying to run. Then stopping and taking three steps back towards God. I can't say that I was fully trusting God. I was trusting Him, but at the same time I was wanting to do this on my own. I was angry at God. So angry. I talked to God in a way I shouldn't have. I wanted nothing to do with His plan. But yet every Sunday in worship I was in tears because I was so broken. So broken. But I didn't want to turn to Him. I didn't want to walk the path of hurt and confusion anymore. I felt done. I was done. I gave up. 

Let me make this clear before I go any further...there are some folks who believe that this all came about from a relationship. It in fact, did not. This came from me choosing to live a life that I knew was going to hurt me in the end. That I knew was not going to be good. And it definitely wasn't going to end how I wanted it to end...which in that case it wouldn't have ended at all. I was holding so tightly onto something that had no place in my life. That's why.

This came from me not loving myself. From being so damn hard on myself. So critical of myself. 

But I am so thankful for God's grace. For His forgiveness. My words and my actions towards Him were so hurtful and hateful. I am angry with myself now. Why couldn't I have just trusted God? Why did I have to run? But why did God continue to pursue me and to love me? Why did do I deserve that? 
The devil loves the fact that I am angry with myself and that I ask these questions. Satan wants me to believe that I don't deserve God's love. That I am a terrible, heartless and unloved person. He wants me to think that God didn't forgive me...Even though God did forgive me when I asked Him to. Satan loves that I am hard on myself. That I am so critical of myself. 

But it's got to stop. The time has come for me to put an end to being so hard on myself. It's time to stop over analyzing every single detail about myself and tearing myself down. It's time to start loving myself. Telling myself how beautiful and wonderful I really am. How special and unique I am. How delicate and whole I am.  

I have seen the power of a negative mind. I have experienced the damage that negativity causes. The power of a positive mind is so intense. It literally changes everything. When the negative thoughts creep in and you start beating yourself up because of what you're not, switch that light switch and turn the positive thoughts on. Remind yourself of what God says you are. 

I honestly believe that that past 3 months could have been totally different if I would have just stayed positive. If I wouldn't have looked for the negative in each circumstance and had only focused on looking for God in each circumstance, I have a feeling that dealing with my hurt and confusion would have been a totally different ball game. 

Don't let your circumstances change you. Ask God what He wants you to find in each circumstance. We are weak, I know. And it is so hard. 
Don't fear your weakness. It's preparing the slate for God to perform brilliantly.

Let God be God. 


30 things to remember...

1. Not all people have your best interest in mind.
2. Time doesn't heal all wounds. 
3. Time passes and you just become numb. 
4. Give people a chance.
5. Give people a second chance if that first chance doesn't go so hot...trust me. It may turn out way different and you'll be glad you gave it another chance.
6. People are going to say one thing, but always do the opposite.
7. When they want to ignore your texts, but be the first one to view your snapstory...yeah- not worth your time. 
8. Just because you hang out with someone doesn't mean you are that person. 
9. Sometimes you have to just take a step back and remove yourself from all situations. And yes, sometimes that means missing a super fun flight across the country.
10. Choose your friends wisely. You'll need them.
11. Remind yourself that other people who don't do relationships, they just have sex - remind yourself that they aren't going to understand the pain that your heart is feeling. 
12. Don't talk to them about your sadness or pain anymore.
13. Take care of yourself.
14. Take care of your body, your health. 
15. If that means a 3 hour kick butt gym session, do it. And oh yes, wear the dri-fits. You'll feel smokin hot after that workout.
16. You won't regret it.
17. Find a good dark shade of lip color for the Fall. It'll make you feel like a million bucks.
18. Have a girls night and go celebrate yourselves. Don't go too crazy though.
19. Ignore people when they constantly ask why you like to wear flowy tops or make  little comments about you buying a size large. Don't let it hurt your feelings..-- No matter how many times you tell them that you are broad shouldered and x-smalls like they wear don't fit you- Just wear what you want and be happy with it. Do Y O U.
20. Stop going to other people for relationship advice. Do what you want. Say what you want. It's your relationship.
21. If people don't accept you for who you are, it's their loss.
22. When someone does you wrong, smile and thank them. You don't need sorry people surrounding you.
23. When someone who is a micro-manager steps in... ignore. And try your hardest not to punch anyone. It's hard. I know.
24. Drink the dang Dr.Pepper.
25. Stop thinking and overthinking about the months to come. Let it all work itself out. 
26. Try not to cry when you happen to see something for the first time since he left. Yes, you spent many summer nights there and yes your heart is going to race like no other and the tears are going to try to flood down your cheeks, but don't let them. Take a deep breath, tell yourself the memories will never die. You are here and you have so much to offer. Then walk away and don't look back.
27. Forgive him....even if you don't ever tell him you forgive him. Just make it right in your heart.
28. Take your time picking up the pieces of your heart. 
29.Read 28.

 And finally...

30. Don't ever let someone make you feel not good enough. Or when they think they know something but they don't- just let them talk and don't respond. No body has any idea what you are doing and what's in your heart. Just let them think they are right. They'll find out one day that they aren't always right. You are good enough. You know your heart. Remember that. 

Trust me.
You're lovely.

Image Courtesy of Sarah McCallister