8.19.2015

it's like a summer storm..

Anxiety.
It't not a joke, it's not just some excuse..it's real and it's a battle.

Around this time last year, or a few weeks off, I decided to share and talk about my battle with depression. It wasn't easy, at all. But it's something that I know I don't face alone. 

If you haven't read that post, you can read it here

Since that post it has been a rollercoaster of a battle. Somedays I am great and other days I am not so great. I chose the route and got off my medication for it..I really believed that it was something I could learn to overcome. With time it has gotten easier but there are still some days. 

Along with depression came anxiety. I never really realized it. 
In the last several months my anxiety has been something out of this world. Thankfully, I have a great support system of people who listen, who care, and who love me. These people are patient with me. I know when I send 7 texts in a row with my thoughts that they may be slightly irritated, but they don't let that affect how they respond. I am thankful for this. I am thankful for them.

Anxiety is an evil thing. It can ruin many many things..friendships, relationships, daily life..the quality of life. It rules your thoughts and your emotions. It's like a summer storm almost. Creeps up unexpectedly and BAM hits hard, does some damage and then rolls on out like it was nothing...only to return later.

Simple statements spoken by someone get super twisted and turn into something so negative, when it wasn't a negative statement to begin with. Anxiety makes your mind feel crazy..out of sorts. It makes you feel not normal..like there is something wrong with you. 

Many times I think to myself, why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to live in constant fear? In an uncomfortable state of being?  Constantly wondering if that next text message that comes through is the end all of something. Or that phone call is just bad news waiting to be dropped on you. Anxiety brings such a negative style to your life. And you want to be positive. You want to be happy and feel free and relieved of it. But it just comes back. Your mind plays tricks on you. Makes you think things that were never even thought up in the situation at hand. It's rough. 

An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. -proverbs 12:25

Thankfully, I'm not alone in this. A very close friend of mine struggles with anxiety too..and it's always so comforting to have each other to text or call. We've sat and talked on the phone forever about some tiny little thing that wasn't anything at all, but my mind made it a big deal and turned it into a volcano. She patiently sits and listens and then helps me back down off of that thought. And vice versa with her texting me or calling me to help her. And in all of this helping one another I've realized that anxiety is something I can overcome. Something that she can overcome. Something that you can overcome. I'll give her words of advice and it's almost like something clicks for not only her but for me as well. If only I would listen to myself. 

We have it in us to beat this. I fully trust that we do. It's just how badly do you want to beat it? How badly do you want to be able to change that thought process when it starts? 

It's gotten to the point where when I feel anxiety creeping in and I feel my thought process starting to take a dive, I make it a point to try my best to stop it. I make it a point to take a deep breath and a step back and be rational. To look at whatever the situation or tiny thing it is and break it down...and to be logical and state the facts. And today for instance, she noticed that in a conversation we were having. It felt so good to know that I am making progress. Some days it'll be easy. Some days it will be really super super super tough. But it's possible

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.- Philippians 4:6-7 

My relationship with The Lord has grown even more in these last few months. I'm so thankful that that is a relationship that doesn't have a limit. Doesn't have a "fill to" line. It just goes deeper and deeper and deeper. And I know that God has had His hand in this process. He steadies my crazy beating heart and He brings a calm and a peace when I start to feel anxious.

I know it's not easy living with someone who battles this. We wake up in constant fear. Fear of someone leaving us, fear of not being good enough, fear of someone changing their mind, fear of being hurt...fear of many many things. SO, I just want to say thank you to the people who choose me on a daily basis. Who choose to love me, support me, care for me, and to listen to me. Who choose to be a part of my life. Words will never be able to tell you how thankful I am for you guys.

 They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.-Psalm 112:7 

photo credits: Sarah McCallister 

8.03.2015

Did it even happen if..//

I know I talk about it all the time..society and how messed up it is these days. But now I think I am going to open a whole different can of worms on an issue in society. Social Media. Okay, so. Don't get me wrong..the power that social media has is AMAZING. Amazing. From keeping in touch with friends, distant friends, relatives, etc. Connecting old classmates...meeting new people. Making new friends (Shout out to my girl ABW in TX) Basically, social media has overtaken society today and is being used at rapid speed. I'm thankful for it...being a military child I moved around alot and made many many friends...through the years we've stayed connected or even reconnected. Love it. 

But there are many downfalls to social media. Many many downfalls. Some days I think we would be better off without it. Wouldn't be able to see who befriended whom on Facebook.. wouldn't see that your significant other liked some other boy/girls photos on Insta.. that's just the top of the list. You see, being so connected all the time and so aware of what is going on in people's lives..it's not good for us. Cool, yeah. Good? nah. 

Putting a mold out there of how we should look. Pressure to be a certain size or wear a certain brand or to drive a certain vehicle. Taking a picture is more like getting ready for prom. Trying to make everything so perfect. When in reality...there is no perfect. People convey through their posts and pictures that they have this oh so tidy and perfect happy little life. When in all actuality, their life is just as crazy and hectic and messy as yours. Oh, and relationships. I didn't want to go here..but I am. Are you even in a relationship with that person if it's not posted on any of the following sites: Facebook, Instagram, and ofcourse...Twitter. The answer to that is..No. The guy must be hiding something. Or the girl must be hiding him. BUT in REAL LIFE- who gives a mess if it's on social media? Last time I checked a relationship is between those two people. NOT their followers on social media. I'm just a little over this...if you're catching on to that at all. 

I'm so tired of scrolling Twitter only to see young girls today idolizing another girl their age and "wishing" she looked like her. Or taking on a new "challenge" to be like a celebrity..Yes, I'm looking at you Kylie Jenner followers. What happened to being yourself? Being the person that God created you to be..the masterpiece that He carefully molded together. What happened to being content in our own skin? What happened to genuine dating? What happened to keeping a relationship private and letting it grow and flourish without the outside opinions playing a part? I saw an article the other day about a girl who's boyfriend was proposing and she literally pulled out her phone to take a picture to Instagram....wait...WHAT? WHAT? Don't get me wrong...that is such an exciting moment and part of life. But that's like having a child and telling the Dr..oh wait, let me take a picture before the baby comes fully out...COME ON. We ruin some of life's greatest things and greatest moments so we can snap a picture. What is wrong with us? 

I'm so guilty of this. So I'm talking to myself as I write this. It really breaks my heart that in certain areas of life, I don't feel confident in things because of the pressures that come from social media. Like, I can't believe I really just typed that out. I can't understand why that is true. Makes me so sad and so frustrated.

Remember, it's easy to get caught up in it. It's so easy to make everything seem so perfect. But behind the pictures the truth remains. And the truth is, that God didn't create you intending for you to conform to the mold of this world. He didn't create you to constantly compare your life to someone else's. Your journey is different from every single person's on this Earth. Certain things in life need privacy...let things grow how they should. Let's stop letting social media define our relationships, our lives, and especially who we are...because you are worth so much more than letting society define you. 

xoxo,


7.21.2015

from the ashes

I know life is hard. It's rough. It gets so tough. The only thing you feel you have energy left for is to just quit. Heck, you're not sure you even have the tiny bit of energy that it takes to quit. Life can suck.
Especially in the times when you're just questioning everything. Everything you've worked so hard for, everything that you know. When it all goes to shambles and you're just left standing, wondering what the heck is going on. How one day things are so normal and great and then the next morning you wake up and it all starts to go downhill. You never saw it coming. In these moments giving up is the most desirable thing. It's the one thing that is on replay in your mind. Over and over and over again, all you hear is just quit. Nobody cares. Look at the mess in front of you. Just quit. You're never going to reach your goals and your dreams. You're not good enough.


You, will make a way
Teach me now, to trust
To lift, my eyes again
When all hope is dust


I am here today to just remind you that you are good enough. That you can reach those goals and your dreams. The messes of life get us down. I know. They beat you down until you feel like you just can't go anymore. Your mind, your heart, your soul, your body is weak. Tired. You mentally are done. But, quitting isn't the answer. It seems like your hope is gone. In ashes on the floor. Some of you may not even be sure about your faith anymore. Just so shaken and unsure. Unsure of what God is doing. Why is all of this happening? But, are you remembering His promises?  Do you remember that in the times of trial and chaos and confusion, that He is molding you. He is building you. He is defining your character. 
He is preparing you


You will breathe again
Resurrect, these faults
And all your promises
I won't forget
You won't let me go


It may seem like this storm isn't passing anytime soon. But it will pass. I promise you that. There are days I just look back and think about the nights I would just lay in bed and cry. I'd cry for hours until I fell asleep. I was so confused. I was feeling abandoned by God. My heart was hurting. I didn't understand why I was walking through the storm I was walking through. I had to daily (multiple times a day) remind myself that there is purpose in the trial. 

7.10.2015

Swipe left or right?

I am so disgusted. Let me just be real. 

So here I am, on a Friday night, just wasting time and trying to make myself sleepy. I come across a familiar face and saw that this picture was from "LuLu"..whatever that may be. So, I download the app to see what it's about. What I found was something I wish I never knew existed.... Are we really to the point of publicly rating people? How great they are in the bedroom? How sketchy they are? How great the "hook up" was... COME ON. Last time I checked the bedroom was something that was suppose to be private...

Broke my little heart. 

I am so disappointed and disgusted with today's society and people. People in general. How they go about dating. How they go about loving others. I'm just not sure where we are all headed. But I can tell you it's not happily ever after. It's fighting and divorce and ungodly marriages and relationships. 

I'm speechless. Between tinder, this lulu crap, and all the other "dating" apps & sites there are... there is no hope..no hope for me or for you. I'm not into that one night stand or the "I'll call you when I want you to be in my bed" type of deal. It's not okay. For some-it's perfectly wonderful. Have fun with that. One day you'll wake up and wonder why you feel so empty and so violated...so alone. Just turn on your phone and you'll see why. And yes, before we go any further- I participated in the tinder fad.. but quickly deleted it. And I definitely didn't have the app for sex..Let's get that straight.

So here's the thing. And what I'm about to say my upset some of you-- if so, I'm not sorry....

where are MEN these days? When I look around All I see are boys. Boys who can't commit. Boys who would rather play games. Boys who have someone so great in their lives but keep her on the side just in case another dime piece comes along. BOYS who keep these sorry apps. Boys who want respect but their actions are a far cry from respect. 

BUT where are the WOMEN? Ladies, we've got to pull our part too. We can't walk around here thinking these males need to grow up and man up..when you yourself are running around with a different guy each week. You can't expect any man to respect you when you don't give him anything to respect...I mean let's be real here. 

****Side note: there ARE great, amazing, men and women out there. This post is just based on society and the population..and all these articles that are being posted daily with "dating advice"..

SO what happened? And what happens now? What happens next? 

For starters, grow up. Man up. Woman up. Delete those stupid stupid apps...especially if you have a significant other. That's crappy of you.

In a relationship? SHAME ON YOU. STAY OFF those things. Remember, your eyes are the windows to your soul and your heart. Be careful. 

Not in a relationship? GET OFF YOUR BUTT and go meet people in PERSON. Guys, take someone on a date. Girls, GO ON A REAL DATE.

Listen, if you like someone, go for it. Pursue that person. Find out if you want to keep pursuing them. But don't be half in.

I know I don't really want someone who half way wants to be in my life. They are here but they've got one foot out the door.
Where's the sincerity in that? It's like they were already planning to leave. Please, walk on out if that's the plan. Don't settle and allow that in your lives people!

I am just so heated and amazed right now. At the rate we are all going, none of us are going to get married. Select few, yes. But all the rest... just going to keep swiping and rating and living "fun", I mean miserable, lives. 

Gotta say, I'm swiping left on this topic. 

6.09.2015

without fear//

There I was 40 minutes later, in Auburn. Wearing my favorite under armour shorts and a XL rays t shirt. My makeup was pretty set in on my face from church that morning and my hair had its soft waves from the curls that morning. I can't do this. I don't know these people. What if they don't like me? This is going to be a waste of time because I'm just going to not even come back. My phone vibrated and it was K.. her exact texts were:
"you turning around and going home is letting your negativity and doubt win. Go to small group. Life was not made for us to go through alone Meg. Go in, be transparent, LET THEM LOVE YOU. Let them love you dang it. They are great"
SO..what did I do? I listened to her...as usual.  The next two and a half hours were nothing but refreshing. Here I was, with about 20 girls I have never laid eyes on or spoken to. Young women from all different walks of life. And all in different stages of life. But the one thing we all had in common was that we aren't alone. It was so comforting to hear that each girl was walking through a struggle. 

It made me feel less crazy and more normal. Whatever normal is. 

I left with a feeling of....well I'm not sure. I felt good. I felt like I wasn't sure what God's purpose was for me there but by the end of the night I knew there was a purpose

Fast forward 24 hours. As I'm dozing off in bed, K texted me again with a song to listen to. Then as we got to talking she shared somethings she had gotten from her small group that night and it was just what I needed. I'm so distracted with the idea that I do not deserve love.  That I'm not worthy of letting anyone love me. I put up barriers so that I won't be hurt. This is my way of thinking: letting someone love me leads to hurt. Right? No, WRONG. I try to "sabotage" every thing that comes my way because I don't think I deserve it. How heartbreaking is that? I mean really? That's probably more heartbreaking than most things. To see someone who doesn't think they are worthy of love.  

Out of this rises insecurities. Insecurities that you don't even know are there. Insecurities that I never even thought about. And it's scary because I'm such a confident person. I know who I am and what I deserve and what I want. But when I let my mind get to thinking and overthinking, that all is broken down and the thoughts of being undeserving arise. Maybe this comes from the sorry people from before who didn't know how to love others. 
 Please tell me I'm not the only one that this happens too.

It just blows my mind. It's like I fail to remember that God's love is perfect. And that perfect love casts out all fear. 
There is no fear in God's perfect love. 

I've made a decision to remind myself of this daily. I can't be afraid that I'm undeserving of love from anyone. I can't be afraid to let people into my life. I know I can't go through this life alone. And I also know that God's word says that I am so so so deserving of good. I am deserving of  friendships full of God's love. I am deserving of relationships that teach me and help me grow and make me happy and allow me to experience how to love and how to be loved.

 I am so deserving and worthy... As are you. 

I am so thankful for the people God has brought into my life in the last few days and in the last few months. I am being challenged and facing things that I have always avoided because I never knew how strong they would make me. And all the while, these people are still here. Little do they know how much that means to me. Thankful.

Whatever it is that you are fearful about, let the fear go and let God's love consume you. Consume you so fully and overflow with it. Fear isn't something we experience when we are truly experiencing God's love. 

So, here's to taking steps into the unknown of new beginnings without fear.

photo credits: Sarah McCallister 

6.05.2015

it's not all the same//

Here I sit. On my bed. Sun-burnt like crazy. And a heart full of words to get out. 
Over the years, I've been nothing but straight up honest on here with you guys..and I continue to do that. I don't sugarcoat things, I don't feel the need to write on certain topics. This is raw. Straight from my heart and what needs to be said. 

Last September I shared with you all about my battle with depression... 
(you can read that post here)

Shortly after that post was written I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. I just didn't want to become dependent on them and have to have them. I really saw how strong I was and I knew I wasn't facing the battle alone. So, here I am 9 months later and still off my anti-depressants. It's weird, I'll be honest. Some days I still wake up and go to take them and then remember I haven't had them in 9 months. I have definitely had my ups and downs, highs and lows. Moments of complete weakness and moments that were defining.  Majority of the days I am perfectly fine..and then I have some off days..which is okay.

Photo Credits: Sarah McCallister


Here lately I am trying to learn to control my emotions. I never had to deal with emotions or thoughts, because they were all numbed for many many months. 

The last mmm week or so I've had a lot of emotional days and stressful moments. I don't think that I've dealt with them the best way either. I did, however, find that being quiet and just processing what was said or processing the emotion really helps. I take my time thinking about things before responding. It may seem rude or odd but we all know I'm a thinker. An overthinker. 

Which brings me to this. 
I'm so afraid that by me still working on this and controlling my emotions and my stress is going to push people I care about away. I feel confident that I'm in a good spot and that they understand. But the fear is there. We get so used to people walking away and out of our lives that the only thought that creeps up when a bit of rockiness hits is that they are going to just walk away. Not every person is like the last. Not every person is going to quit and walk away when they see you in a struggle. The ones who truly care for you will stick through it with you. Encouraging you. They may not understand completely, and that's okay- but they try. And trying is an A+ in my book. 

BUT- you also can't let the struggle define you and your circumstances. You can't use it as an excuse constantly. It's no reason to be mean or hateful. No reason to be upset all the time. You need to cry? Then cry it out until you feel better. But don't bottle it up on in the inside and then drop it like a bomb on someone. Be honest and open. 

The last few days I have been super emotional. All the reasons why? I'm not entirely sure. But I do think it's because I'm just learning how to process emotions and feelings again. I'm learning that sometimes things do hurt. And if you're anything like me...having a big heart is an amazing thing. But, sometimes it can hurt. You want to help everyone and make sure everyone is happy. You feel emotion so much harder. You take things way more personal...and that's not our fault. That's just part of having a big heart. And it's all okay. 



My point of this post is this:
No matter what you're facing, remember- it doesn't define your circumstances. Struggle brings strength. The ones who care for you will stand by you and won't leave you. If you've got a big heart..GOOD. If you've got a big heart and you're a woman...well that's a double whammy because we women are emotional anyways. So it's like tripled emotion. 

You're past isn't the present or the future. Not everyone is the same. And not everyone is going to walk away. And definitely don't punish the ones in front of you because you're scared of the past repeating.

Remember how great life really is. It's so sweet. But it's so short. Don't let whatever you're facing get in the way of  life.

Press into God's word and just spend time with Him. 

This verse has been on repeat in my mind and heart all day long: 

"When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1:2-4

5.16.2015

it wasn't your best//

So, here I sit. Once again, on my bed. Letting my nail polish dry. Some music on, and a heart full of words.

I'm not really sure what this post will be about, or where it will go.. but I guess we'll see! My heart just has so many words flowing through it and the only way I know how to handle that is to just write it out. 

The past couple months I've been watching God work tremendously in my life. And it puts me in awe. I'm watching prayers that I've prayed many times a day for eight months, being answered. I'm not really sure where these things are going or what is going to happen, but what I am so confident in is the fact that I know I am exactly where I need to be. 100% positive of that. And never in my life have I been 100% positive if I was where God was needing me and wanting me to be. I've always doubted and questioned if I was where I was suppose to be. 

Which brings me to this- the past. So many times we choose to hold onto the past and those in it. While doing this, we don't really see how it's affecting the now. Hindering you from realizing and enjoying what is right in front of you. **let me make note: I'm in no way preaching, I struggled with this too people. And I am just now finally seeing what harm it caused in my life. 

Holding onto the past is like poison. Slowly seeping into your every day life. Your friendships and relationships. Your vision. You aren't seeing things for what they really are. You're still comparing the now to the before. And slowly, but surely, you're breaking yourself down and creating issues that wouldn't be there to begin with. 

I believe with my whole heart that everything happens for a reason. People come into our lives for a reason and then they are taken out of our lives for a reason. You can't argue that either. I believe that time wasn't wasted. I think no matter how much time was spent on someone or something, it was a learning process. Say that with me -learning- process. There is always something new to be learned. No matter the situation. God is in the middle of every situation and battle you face- so of course there is going to be something to learn. Sure, we went back to that ex one too many times (I know we've all done it). Okay, so we fell for another line and fell into the trap and dove in head first and now here you are again. Standing there not understanding what went wrong and what happened. You may never understand. And that's okay- there are many many things in this life that are not meant for us to understand. 

We can't make people change. We can't save them. And we surely can't make them love us. But what we can do is to remember that there is a purpose. A purpose for whatever you've faced or whatever you are facing. It's so so so so important to leave the past in the past. Delete the phone numbers, delete the pictures, remove yourself away from that group of people. I don't care if they were your best friend, the "love of your life" ... Do what you need to do...because if you don't, then how are you ever going to be truly happy? I mean really..it's not possible. Accept it for what it was. It is what it is. 

You guys, I had the hardest time with this. I did. And then one day I woke up and I just knew in my heart that God had so much more for me. He didn't create me to live in depression and in the past. He doesn't want me to hold onto something or someone that He removed from my life for a reason. I couldn't keep rereading that chapter over and over again and continuing to make myself miserable. I was blind to my worthiness and how loved I really am. I forgot my passions and my dreams. I was going through the motions day after day after day. But when I made the decision to let it all go, that's when I started seeing things. The people in front of me. The decisions I wanted to make. The happiness that I had longed for. My heart has not been this happy in...well, I don't really know how long. But a long long time. I'm at such peace and so content. So confident in the fact that God is in control and knows what my heart deserves. Just like He knows what  your heart deserves. So don't be blinded by everything you're holding onto from the past. 

So....
IT SUCKS. I GET IT.
But trust me, please just trust me when I say, there is much much better out there. 
But I mean like really...who wants to hold onto something that brought so much pain? Exactly..no body does. Delete it, but never forget what it taught you. 

Keep the past where it is..the past. Not your now. Not your future. You might miss out on some really amazing things and people if you decide to keep letting it into your life. 

So, make the decision to walk away. 
You gave it your best and it wasn't the best that God HAS for you. 

Photo credits: Sarah McCallister