10.15.2014

Rearranging

Y'all...before I start this post I just have a few things to say. 

#1. I know it seems like my life is constantly ups and downs. That's majority of what you see on here. I'm not going to lie. I have been walking through some storms. I choose to share these storms with you guys. That doesn't mean that I complain about these struggles. That doesn't mean that I am always sad and miserable and just not happy with life. It doesn't mean that there isn't joy and happiness and love in my life. Trust me when I say, my life is full of happiness, love and joy. 

#2. Recently there have been a lot of things said about my blog, in a negative way. (Reference back to #1)- All I am going to say, is that if you don't like it, if you don't like me sharing life and struggles, then don't read it. No one is forcing you to read my writings. I appreciate each and every one of you who take the time to read this blog. I don't know who reads it, and I don't know where in the world they are located. But I do know that God has people coming across it and is using it. 

And

#3. If you are ever written about on here, or mentioned in some way- don't get upset. That's what happens when you enter a writer's life. You live forever on the blog. 

#4. There is no number 4. So....let's get started!!

Yesterday, I received a text that alarmed me. Went straight to my inbox and saw some news that stopped me in my tracks. I felt like I was about to puke. My stomach leaped and twisted and turned and I got hot. I had no thoughts going through my mind at the time. Just tears. As I read the words, I literally think I saw everything falling down. I was close to just sitting down in the middle of the campus sidewalk and just sitting, as I tried to get my breath back. 

I was suppose to be at W's to go fishing in like 5 minutes. But I just stood there. Finally I was able to move my legs and then my feet. I got to my car and called Nichole. Cried and cried. I didn't understand why this was happening. 

"Haven't You taken enough away from me God? Why this? Why something so familiar and comfortable to me. Why something I am so good at? Something that has been such a blessing to my life for the last almost 3 years. WHY GOD?" These thoughts just kept coming. They kept crying out in my mind. 

If you're new to this blog, read here & here to be up to date on what's been happening in life the past 2 months.

As I drove in silence the few minutes down the road, I just thought about each person who has left. I thought about how they made me feel. I thought about how thankful I was to have had the time with them. Then when I got to thinking about this..well I had no thoughts. Just silent cries and waterfalls of tears. 
And let's be honest...silent cries are never pretty.

As I sat by the little lake and figured out this odd fishing pole I was using, I looked up. And for the first time in awhile I was seeing the sky. I was seeing the vivid dark blues in the clouds. The pinkish purple of the sun setting. It was in this moment that I realized a few things. 1. God's not punishing me. 2. Was I going to praise God during this storm or not? 3. Was I just going to throw my hands up and quit and just ignore what God is doing? 4. When was I going to quit questioning God? 



I answered all of these within minutes. 
James 1: 2-4 came to mind:



Then I got to thinking. What seems like chaos always always proceeds change. Always. And I don't really know, but chaos and change is exactly what's been happening in my life since August. People were taken away, and people have been added into my life. The door for an amazing job that I have been so thankful for and loved so much, has now closed. God placed each person in my life for a reason. I keep reminding myself that His hand is in all of this. He is rearranging right now. Kinda like I rearrange my room every week. Seriously. Now I know how my furniture feels. ha. Yes, I just made myself laugh too with that one. 

Even though God is moving so much around in my life, I have been able to find peace in this. I have chosen Joy. I've chosen joy y'all. Yes, it is so hard. And I am so confused. I want to know what's happening and why. I wish I had answers. Answers that we didn't have to think about. But the answer is, that God is working and moving and changing lives right now. I was obviously getting a little too comfortable, and it was time for those doors to close. 

So y'all with those doors closed and no doors opening just yet, I am standing in the hallway. In a hallway, confused, and sad, but joyful in my heart. Oh, so joyful. I'm joyful because I am choosing to praise God. To thank Him for the time He has given me with those amazing things behind the doors that He just closed.

Look at it this way. I just turned 25 this past Friday. Life is getting real. I mean y'all, I will be graduating college soon and moving off on my own to begin such a huge chapter in my life. It's all just beginning. These are changes that are happening before that can begin. 

It's hard. I know it is. Whatever you are going through, whatever hallway you are standing in and waiting for a door to open, praise God and continually thank Him. He is working and moving in your life. God blesses those who obey and patiently endure testing and temptation.

So, while I may feel like my life has been stripped down to the bare. Friends are gone, sister is gone, life is different. Finding a new job. Really being alone and walking through this storm just me and God... I know there is a reason and something is about to happen.  

Sometimes we really have to have everything taken away from us, for us to realize what life is about. For God to bring better into our lives. To figure What our purpose here is.
That's just what I am doing. Figuring this life out step by step.



10.02.2014

A reason to sing...

Recently, I've been writing a lot about things that I've been dealing with and battling daily. Each day gets a bit better than the day before. I am seeing that beauty in fact does come from broken things. That things must end so that greater things can begin. Now don't misunderstand me..I am still struggling daily. But I am choosing to look for joy. 

There's a song I have had on repeat for awhile now. Today while driving home from class, this song came on and I automatically put it on repeat. It wasn't sunny outside. It was kinda gloomy. It was about 4:30, and traffic was starting to build. I listened to the words. My heart sang the words. As I was driving I held my hand out the window and just let the air run through my fingers and around my hand. I glanced over and saw my wrist. Let God. I read the words again that are printed so beautifully on my wrist. And then behind those words I then saw my face in the side mirror in-front of my hand. As I looked at my reflection, I saw so much. I saw a young woman. With so much joy that I could see the pain. I could see the sadness that she was fighting. Trying her hardest to choose joy. I focused back onto the road and the words of the song were echoing in my mind..

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don't feel you anymore
No I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing

 The song wasn't even over yet and I started it over. This time, I focused on the words and let them sink so deep into my heart. I was thinking about the past month. How sad I have been. How the ones I confided in are still here. Still for me. I realized that it's okay for good things to end. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss someone. It is okay. I saw myself in my mind and how strong I have become in the past 4 weeks. Learning to keep myself company. Figuring out how to keep myself busy. Understanding what it means to still love those people, even after they've hurt you. 

When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go

It was in this moment that I realized that I have to let go. I have to let go of people and of things. I have to let go of moments. I have to stop trying to live in the past...the past is no longer here. The past is miles and miles away. I know what my reason to sing is. I know who my reason to sing is. 

Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now

 I have finally found the good in this. I have finally opened my heart and my eyes to God and to trust His plan. All the times that I felt I was forgetting how to breathe. The times that I literally thought I was feeling my heart break. The times that I would cry and not be able to
stop. The nights I would lay in bed and replay every single day and every single word.  

The nights I would cry out to God and ask where He was in all of this? Why had He abandoned me? Why did He leave me? Didn't He know how weak I am? I am seeing that He was there all along. Waiting for me. Crying with me




I have found beauty in this broken mess.
 In this imperfection, I have found perfection
That my friends, is my reason to sing.

*** song is A Reason to Sing by All Sons & Daughters 

9.24.2014

It's like diabetes...you can't see it, but it's there.

So it's time that I get down and dirty. I know I have hit on this some but I've never really gone in depth. I know y'all are clueless right now as to what I am talking about...soooo..here goes nothing.

Depression. 

June 2013 I was "diagnosed" with depression. At first I thought it was just the crappy people I was hanging around, but once I finally had the courage to go to my doctor and actually talk about things, that was when I realized that depression is real. I battle with it each and every day. 

My parents weren't too thrilled when I came home from the doctor and told them. Then when they found out I was being put on medication for it, well that made it even worse to them. They didn't want a "zombie" of a daughter. I'm sure they had thoughts as to why their daughter has to have depression. I mean, I come from a loving home with parents who are active in my life. Always in church. Always exercising and smiling. Just didn't seem "normal".

That was what seemed like the hardest time in my life. I felt like God had abandoned me. That He forgot about me. It was a low low point. But as time has gone by I have learned how to deal with it. So a year and some months later here I am. It hasn't gotten any easier, it's been a learning process for sure. My parents, they seem to understand it. No longer ask me questions repeatedly when I don't answer in the most peppy tone, etc. They understand now. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Sometimes I feel like I am not normal. It crosses my mind that I shouldn't feel this way. That having a walk with God should just make this go away. Leaning on God and walking with God does help. It doesn't make it go away and it doesn't make it totally easy. God reminds me to lean on Him and that He is my strength through this all. 

Yesterday I got to reading an article. It said that loneliness is depression's playground. 
How TRUE is this? So true. 
The past 22 days, I have officially been without the three people I have spent the last 6 months with. (Well one of them my whole life) All of them left within two weeks of each other. And here I was. Just here. Had to keep living here and going to class and living life. Alone. I have been so lonely. Sure I have mom and dad and I love spending time with them. But that doesn't fill the emptiness that I feel. Everyday is just like groundhog day. I wake up, eat my breakfast, get in my car, drive to class, maybe cry some, go to class, think about my bed the whole time, finally get home, eat dinner, scroll Pinterest, watch Netflix, fall asleep. All while crying majority of the time I am alone.

That's it. That's what the past almost month of my life has been. Granted, I've gone to visit friends out of town and it was so refreshing to get away and just enjoy life. But when I am here at home, or Montgomery doing my daily routine, I am lonely. 

I can't live like this anymore. I have to make a change. I have to beat this. I have to get back on my feet and start living my life. I can't be happy one day and then the next day completely miserable. I have to learn to deal with this better. I have to let go of people who have already let go of me. I can't keep hoping and wishing that someone would change their mind and come back into my life. I have to accept and trust God's plan. I have to remind myself that He knows what's best for me. Literally, I have let my world just go to pieces. Just like that. 

I am embarrassed. I am discouraged. 
I am tired. I am going to have to make a change. 
This change can't and won't come overnight. It is going to take time. 

I have become so strong in the past year. Stronger than I realized I could be. I know I can get through this and I know I can beat this. I know how to deal with this. So here's a little list I have come up with to help me:

1. Routine Routine Routine-Instead of just laying around before class I will have a daily schedule. Starting from wake up all throughout the morning and then after class at night. I have to keep myself busy, but not overwhelmingly busy. Just busy to where I can't sit and mope. 

2.Exercise- I'll admit..this past month or so I have slacked on my gym routine. Putting it off another day and then putting it off again. The gym has always been my happy place. My place to de-stress and unwind. The place to make myself feel good.

3. Organization-I know when I am sad or in a mood that I tend to be messy. I just don't make my bed. I don't pick clothes up off the floor. I truly believe that a clean living space makes a difference in your attitude and daily life. 

4. Break from Social Media-- I always get on Instagram or FB & Twitter when I have down time...which is basically all the time. This gives me time to "catch up" on things and I sit and think and think and overthink and stress myself out and my emotions go haywire. So I am limiting myself each day to social media. Whether it's at night while I am catching up on my shows or when I am on a lunch break. But seriously...no more than like ten minutes max for right now. I think my village on Clash of Clans can handle that....hopefully ;)

5. Healthy habits.


6. Most importantly.. seeking God even more. Continue digging into His word and reminding myself of Who He says I am. To fill my days with His promises. 

So, if you happen to be fighting depression or needing some encouragement..I hope this helps. This list is what I have made for myself. So it may not fit you, if not that's okay! Make a list that fits you and your life!

Remember how worthy you truly are. That a man or a woman does not define you. That God does not expect you to be like this world. He set you apart. You aren't alone.

9.19.2014

Fade


It's said that people come into our lives for a reason. That each person has a meaning to our life. They may stay forever or they may stay for a short time. But to be thankful for that time. 

I'm trying to lift my thankfulness up high. I am trying to lift it higher than the sadness that fills my heart. For the most part, I can do that. But that only lasts so long. I struggle with it. I honestly do. I remember the hugs, the laughs, the eye contact and faces made when we were silently speaking to one another. The forehead kisses, and the way we understood one another. That person became my best friend through the months.

But what I'm not okay with, what I am not quite sure about. Was it ever real? Were there really feelings there on both sides? Were the words said genuine? It makes me so mad that I am here doubting each and every one of those things. That's what I didn't want..I didn't want to be left doubting. I know every word I said was genuine.  
But I am learning that other people aren't as genuine.

They say that silence is usually the best answer. But silence has never been something that I have been known for. I'm an emotional person. I am a smart woman. I know who I am, and I know what I deserve. I reuse to give up on love. I refuse to let anger have it's way with my thoughts and my emotions. My heart may be weary right now, but I know I will be just fine. More than fine.

I sometimes sit and just try to figure out why me? Why was I the girl you chose? Why was I the girl that was left feeling this way? But, I could sit and think that until the end of time and I would never have the answer. So, I quit asking it. I quit trying to figure it out. I decided to let what was, let it be. Just let it be. To trust that God is working and moving in ways that I don't see right now. Preparing my heart. He's preparing your heart too.

The thing is, I am not afraid. I am not afraid to hold words back. I am not afraid to hold emotions back. It's extremely easy for me to walk away from anything and anyone who I feel makes me feel anything less that what I should. My decision making skills have surely progressed and I don't hesitate. 

So, dear boy, if you're reading this...which I don't know if you are..or if you have ever...but thank you. Thank you for not trying. For not trying to keep me around or to chase after me. But for me to finally see what you wanted...something that wasn't me.
(your loss.)
 Thank you for adding a scratch to my heart. Thank you for doing something that has made me have to find my strength again. To remind myself where my strength comes from. Your part in my life was significant. Almost like I was learning what it was like to let go and let God handle things. To just let life do what it does. To chase my dream. To make decisions without caring what others thought.You encouraged me and supported me. Thank you, for the time we had together. It was the most joy I have ever had. I pray that I impacted your life in someway. This woman right here has a heart. A heart full of love to give. A woman who respects herself..and others. A woman who doesn't need a man to know who she is or to feel complete. She completes herself. A woman who talks about taking chances and decided to take one and open up to you. A woman who would have jumped oceans for you, just to see you smile...because that what she does for people she cares about. A woman who is hurt, but will stand tall and keep walking. A woman who will love one day. No more hard feelings, no more anger sitting there. It's all gone. I'm not really sure what my purpose was in your life, but I pray I did what needed to be done

So, when the truth finally came out, which we all know that actions speak louder than words, I was able to take that truth and realize that I deserve someone who will treat me and care for me the way that God has intended for a man to do. Your part is over in my story and I am a-okay with that. 

So now I am Just remembering good memories and hoping for the best for you.

The sun will rise and it will be a new day.




9.15.2014

Worthy

I woke up this morning and grabbed my phone to see what time it was. 6:00A.M...seriously? Why am I awake? Ugh.  I laid there and closed my eyes and tried my hardest to fall back asleep. Nothing. Still wide awake. Hmm..I could do my devotional. No. No I will just lay here and make myself fall back asleep. I closed my eyes again..still nothing. The devotion popped in my thoughts again. I knew God was tugging at my heart. REALLY? Okay. I'm getting up. I pulled on my Patagonia pullover, grabbed my Bible and my notebook and my pen and devotional book. Walked outside and sat on the back patio. As I sat there and looked at the pool, I could hear birds chirping. It was a bit breezy and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Hmm. 

I flipped to today's date and started reading. I automatically froze. Okay, God. I see what you're doing. I see. I read the words that still haunt me. They fill my heart with so much promise...that got me through the day.



Today I realized there is so much beauty in letting go of things that God never intended for us to carry. I realized that the past few weeks I have been picking things up that I have already laid at His feet. I would hand them over and then hours later, I'd be thinking over it all again. 

The thing is, you see, when we are constantly carrying these ordeals that God doesn't want us to carry, it is wearing us down. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When that starts happening, so many doors open and it is so easy for untrue thoughts to creep in. I am specifically referring to worth. 

Here lately, I've really been trying to understand this. I have been reminding myself of my worth. I know I talk about this a good bit. But it is so super important. 

The world is always always always going to expect you to be a certain way...and it's NOT the way that God has intended you to be.

God has set you apart from this world. Remember that. Remember that how other people think you should be, isn't how you should be. Don't conform. Don't belittle yourself. Remind yourself who you are. Remind yourself that your identity is found in Jesus!

People are going to come and go in our lives. Let it go. Let go of what was and accept what is. Remind yourself that God is never going to ask you to give something away, if He didn't have better for you. People come into our lives for a reason. You may not understand what the reason is now, but you will.

So, take every trial. Take every struggle, and smile. Know that God is walking with you on this journey to the exact stops He has planned for you.

9.09.2014

The real truth..

I've sat in this spot so many times in the past week. Trying so desperately to write and get my emotions out. I couldn't. But tonight, tonight I am ready.

A lot has happened in the past oh, three weeks. 
Instead of having joy and reminding myself that God has a far greater plan for my life, I've been miserable. We will get to that in a few minutes. 

I just need to say these next few things. I have felt so discouraged. So alone. So empty. So broken. Literally, my heart has been feeling nothing but brokenness. I wake up, I somehow get through the day, and I go to bed. In all the in-between time, I was either crying, checking snapchat scores, or doing both at the same time. I was questioning myself. I was questioning God. I was ignoring things. I was putting things off. I was shutting people out. I didn't care what anyone said. I was broken. I was full of sadness.  

In the midst of all of that, I seem to have forgotten my identity. I forgot Jesus. I forgot what He did for me on that cross. I ignored it. I felt like there was a huge wall and my prayers were being blocked from reaching God. I felt like God wasn't with me. That He had other things to tend to...more important things. You guys, I've been in some deep dark lonely times. I've shared them on here. But this. This beat that. It was like I got so caught up in the darkness. I let the enemy influence my thoughts, my actions, my emotions. He made me think I was unworthy. He made me think that I clearly wasn't good enough. 

I have been literally physically and mentally exhausted since last Tuesday. I have made myself sick. I have stressed myself out more than anyone ever should. I have thought, processed, over thought, over-processed so many things that my brain hates me. I was letting my idea and worldly desires rule me. I was letting emotions have full reign and it was a downward spiral. 

Tonight, I sat in my car drinking my Dunkin donuts coffee, contemplating if I was going to go into this small group meeting. I missed the first meeting last week, and I just wasn't sure if I wanted to face God's presence tonight. Better yet, if I was worthy of being in God's presence. After some encouragement from Nichole, I decided to go in. Let me tell you, I am so glad that I did. The topic of the night was struggles. Perfect. After the "elephant on my chest" feeling faded, I realized that I am not alone in these struggles. But I have been embarrassed of these struggles.......

Constantly checking snapchat to see if snap scores have gone up, constantly checking Instagram, checking to see if I have any new texts. Seriously...I literally have thought I am going crazy. I felt crazy. Like this isn't normal character of Me. This isn't normal character of, Megan.

I left feeling a bit better and excited for next week's meeting. Once I got home I got to pinning away on Pinterest and thought about a blog I have been meaning to read. Well, I am so glad I did. It is so nice to know other people are feeling, thinking, and struggling with what I am. I'm not alone. In fact, I was never alone. God has been with me. Waving his hands wildly in front of my face just trying to get my attention. But I didn't choose to see Him. Instead I chose to dwell, and imagine the worst case scenarios. 

I watched this video.
Then I watched it again.
It comforted me. I felt my heart racing and tears forming in my eyes. I felt like I had been screaming for someone to understand and finally, finally someone heard. 

God is my strength. He is my hope. He has and is exactly what I need. It's time that I take advice of my mother, and my close friends and I trust the process. It's time that I finally yield and let God have His way. It's time that I stop making myself miserable.

Because, what is broken, God fixes. What is lost, God restores. 
 I refuse to let the enemy get into my mind and encourage me to dwell on these changes that have occurred in my life. I refuse to let him have any sway over my life. So friends, it's time you let go. Let go of your shame. Let go of your hurt. Let go of your fear. You're not crazy. You're not alone.  
You're exactly where you need to be for God to meet you and mold you.


8.25.2014

What are you going to choose?

There are days and there are moments that I wish I could go back and erase. That I wish I could take back.

Here lately my emotions have been all over the place. Changes are happening in my life right now and they are some big changes. My sister just moved to Mississippi for college. Someone I have grown to care for leaves in a week or so. And a sweet friend has moved off. To say I feel alone..well I know that wouldn't be fair to say. I have my parents, I have my animals....I have...fellow classmates?

My point. 

You see, I dreaded these upcoming days of my sister moving and people leaving. I dreaded them and I missed out. I missed out on moments that I could have kept with me forever. I'm not regretting.. I am just realizing. All this realization brings so many emotions. It's gotten to the point where I work and try so hard to push these people away. I mean they're just leaving anyways. So I might as well get an early start on being without them. Seriously y'all...this is what my thinking has come to. It's sad. It's ridiculous. Why don't I just snap out of it?

Is it because I would rather dwell and be miserable than spend my last few days having an amazing time and making memories? Am I jaded? Am I stupid? Because I am really starting to think that I am crazy. 

It breaks my heart to stand back and watch myself push people away. To close out people because I'd rather not feel anything at all. Because I've been so hurt, and by the small age of 24, I've already non verbally said that I am staying away from love and from feelings. I am staying away from caring about another human being in a way that would make me attached to him. To miss this person. To feel love and excitement. To feel my heart break in a way that it's never felt. 

Why? Why is it like this?

All I know is that I am tired of it. It makes me so mad to think about how "women" and "men" play games these days. Can't we just be genuine? What happened to truth and honesty? What happened to genuinely pursing only ONE person and seeing if there is anything that could bloom from it? What happened to the days when there wasn't snapchat and facebook messaging? To see a girl casually but quickly pop up on his snapchat top friends list. Or to look over and see a Facebook message from a guy on her phone. Why can't we just be honest people? Why can't we each just take a step back and reevaluate. At the rate this generation is going everyone is going to be on Tinder still. Sitting next to the girl or guy you claim to care for, but yet you're swiping left or right..whichever stupid way you swipe to say yes.

Seriously..this fires me up. 
It's sad when you leave the room and your first thought while leaving the room is that he  is about to snap another girl or that she is about to text some other guy. Why? Why are we like this today?

I can tell you why..but I don't know if y'all are ready for it....so, here goes.
LAZINESS. We are all so lazy. SO LAZY. What happened to genuine dating? These days everyone is just looking for that next yes. The next yes to get in the bed together and then say "see ya around." The world today is crap. 

So after all of this rant...I am going to say this. 
This next week, I am going to soak in every minute. I am going to make memories. I will love, I will laugh and I will remember that our time here is short. Instead of letting the past hurt get to me and scare me out of something amazing, I will look this right in the eye and walk on. Not everyone is the same. 

Girls, not every guy is going to be like the last scumbag you dated. There are honest and genuine guys are there. And Guys, not every girl is going to sleep with you. Not every girl is on the prowl looking for her next bed to lay in. There are genuine girls who respect themselves out there. Who are just praying that a genuine guy is brought into their life.

So to the two that have left and the one that is leaving, I cherish you each. I am sorry for letting this world and this society scare me. I am sorry for all the crazy girl emotions that I have been feeling. But I am not sorry for all the smiles and the laughs and the moments that seemed so small, but yet seem to take up so much space in my heart. I am not sorry for the time we have spent together and I am surely not sorry for the way I care for each of you. 


So take my advice, as I am talking it myself...it's NOW OR NEVER. 

Are you going to sit the bench and miss out on what could possibly be the most amazing thing? Or are you going to get out there and live like you've never lived before?

I am choosing to get out there and live like I have never lived before.