Just a band aid

Scrolling Instagram today and I come across this quote:

"The fact that someone else loves you, doesn't rescue you from the project of loving yourself" -Sahaj Kohli

Re read that again if you need to. Let it digest. 
If that's not a pill to swallow, then I don't even know what to say. 

Often too many times we find ourselves single. Watching all of our friends and strangers with significant others. Sharing life together and smiles and laughter. And probably some tears. We often decide to throw ourselves a little pity party on Friday night while they are off enjoying date night. {Enter scene} Ben and Jerry's, Redbox, wine, chocolate and Twizzlers. 

Until suddenly, it hits you. "I am single. I am single!" You think to yourself. So much can be done! Automatically you start envisioning how tomorrow you're going to embrace that singleness. Boiling it all down to you looking absolutely hot and making every man desire you. But is that really what singleness is about? Is that really the goal we should be setting to reach in our singleness? I know in my mind, the answer is no. Sure, we want to look good and it's a good feeling to know that someone wants you. That someone desires you. But there's so so much more to it. 

Starting with yourself. Being single isn't a bad thing. It's not a bad thing at all. It just means the right person isn't here yet. You haven't found that person you want to pursue something with. Well, unless you have but that person doesn't feel the same as you. That's a totally different ballgame.

Realizing this can be a light for some. But while in this process it's so important to learn to love yourself. To be perfectly happy with yourself. To enjoy time alone with yourself. To be okay alone. It takes some time for this to happen. For some it's longer than others. And that's O K A Y.

When someone does come along and genuinely wants to pursue you and is genuinely interested in you- and if you feel the same way about them- COOL! You go on a date and then more dates and then start seeing each other multiple times a week and you're happy and things are going so smoothly, blah blah blah- all the while you may forget to be learning to love yourself. Maybe you didn't fully get through the process with yourself. Someone came along and liked you and accepted you for who you are and that was enough, you thought. But a few months down the road when the newness isn't so new and you start to see insecurities rise within yourself, you realize that you're still empty. You're still not completely full. It's because you never faced those insecurities you have. You never took the time to learn yourself. To be face to face with your fears and your negative thoughts. Never got the chance to be alone and to truly actually learn to love yourself. 

If you don't love yourself, then you need to get on it. 
Learn what {your name} loves. 
Learn what {your name} feels insecure about, and kick that insecurity out.
Learn learn learn learn learn YOU.

Someone loving you isn't a band aid . It doesn't heal and fix. 

No, instead it just covers up. Covers up everything that you didn't face. Take the band aid off and face yourself. Even if you are dating someone, you can still face yourself and learn to love yourself. 

Take time out of each day to pray, to read God's word, to read books that will help you understand certain things. Remind yourself how beautiful and flawless you truly are.  

This isn't an easy task. I am still learning to love myself each and every day. And there are many days where the thought creeps in and tries to sway me to believe that I am not good enough and that's why it didn't work out. Or that I'm not beautiful and that's why I am alone. 

Both of those are lies. Satan loves loves loves to make you feel unworthy and NOT good enough. But the King of the universe says that you are worthy and that you are good enough and that you are loved. 

Take the time to search yourself and love yourself. Take the band aid of someone else loving you off...Trust me, you won't regret it. 


a different ballgame...

Feels like it's been awhile since I've posted. It has been. So many times I would sit down and just have the yearning to write and say so much but then nothing would come out. I think I'm ready though. So....

I sit here on my bed, so comfy and so cozy. "Steady Heart" streaming from my iPad. And millions of words scribbled onto the pages of my favorite little notebook. There are moments in the day were I literally have to whisper to myself, be still. Be still my anxious heart. God's plan, His timing.  

I feel my life slowly getting back to normal. I'm not silently suffocating or gasping for air. I'm not just walking around numb and waiting to feel something. The numbness has worn off and the sting isn't as painful. I've come to terms with the fact that this is God's plan for my life. I know, that doesn't sound too thrilled, does it? Don't let the text fool you. I am thankful for God's plan for my life. These struggles have strategically been placed. When my heart was hurting. when the tears were rolling down my cheeks, He wiped them. When I would cry and scream at God because of the hurt my heart felt. Hurt. Confusion. How could these be from you God? How can you make your child feel this way? The whole time these thoughts were happening and these words were being thrown at Him, He was wrapping His arms around me like a mother does to her child. All the while saying "hush child. It is okay. It's going to make sense one day. This pain is not without purpose. This weakness is not without strength. I know it hurts. I know the pain you are feeling. Let me help you my child. Come to me.

While God was whispering that, I was running. Then stopping. Then trying to run. Then stopping and taking three steps back towards God. I can't say that I was fully trusting God. I was trusting Him, but at the same time I was wanting to do this on my own. I was angry at God. So angry. I talked to God in a way I shouldn't have. I wanted nothing to do with His plan. But yet every Sunday in worship I was in tears because I was so broken. So broken. But I didn't want to turn to Him. I didn't want to walk the path of hurt and confusion anymore. I felt done. I was done. I gave up. 

Let me make this clear before I go any further...there are some folks who believe that this all came about from a relationship. It in fact, did not. This came from me choosing to live a life that I knew was going to hurt me in the end. That I knew was not going to be good. And it definitely wasn't going to end how I wanted it to end...which in that case it wouldn't have ended at all. I was holding so tightly onto something that had no place in my life. That's why.

This came from me not loving myself. From being so damn hard on myself. So critical of myself. 

But I am so thankful for God's grace. For His forgiveness. My words and my actions towards Him were so hurtful and hateful. I am angry with myself now. Why couldn't I have just trusted God? Why did I have to run? But why did God continue to pursue me and to love me? Why did do I deserve that? 
The devil loves the fact that I am angry with myself and that I ask these questions. Satan wants me to believe that I don't deserve God's love. That I am a terrible, heartless and unloved person. He wants me to think that God didn't forgive me...Even though God did forgive me when I asked Him to. Satan loves that I am hard on myself. That I am so critical of myself. 

But it's got to stop. The time has come for me to put an end to being so hard on myself. It's time to stop over analyzing every single detail about myself and tearing myself down. It's time to start loving myself. Telling myself how beautiful and wonderful I really am. How special and unique I am. How delicate and whole I am.  

I have seen the power of a negative mind. I have experienced the damage that negativity causes. The power of a positive mind is so intense. It literally changes everything. When the negative thoughts creep in and you start beating yourself up because of what you're not, switch that light switch and turn the positive thoughts on. Remind yourself of what God says you are. 

I honestly believe that that past 3 months could have been totally different if I would have just stayed positive. If I wouldn't have looked for the negative in each circumstance and had only focused on looking for God in each circumstance, I have a feeling that dealing with my hurt and confusion would have been a totally different ball game. 

Don't let your circumstances change you. Ask God what He wants you to find in each circumstance. We are weak, I know. And it is so hard. 
Don't fear your weakness. It's preparing the slate for God to perform brilliantly.

Let God be God. 


30 things to remember...

1. Not all people have your best interest in mind.
2. Time doesn't heal all wounds. 
3. Time passes and you just become numb. 
4. Give people a chance.
5. Give people a second chance if that first chance doesn't go so hot...trust me. It may turn out way different and you'll be glad you gave it another chance.
6. People are going to say one thing, but always do the opposite.
7. When they want to ignore your texts, but be the first one to view your snapstory...yeah- not worth your time. 
8. Just because you hang out with someone doesn't mean you are that person. 
9. Sometimes you have to just take a step back and remove yourself from all situations. And yes, sometimes that means missing a super fun flight across the country.
10. Choose your friends wisely. You'll need them.
11. Remind yourself that other people who don't do relationships, they just have sex - remind yourself that they aren't going to understand the pain that your heart is feeling. 
12. Don't talk to them about your sadness or pain anymore.
13. Take care of yourself.
14. Take care of your body, your health. 
15. If that means a 3 hour kick butt gym session, do it. And oh yes, wear the dri-fits. You'll feel smokin hot after that workout.
16. You won't regret it.
17. Find a good dark shade of lip color for the Fall. It'll make you feel like a million bucks.
18. Have a girls night and go celebrate yourselves. Don't go too crazy though.
19. Ignore people when they constantly ask why you like to wear flowy tops or make  little comments about you buying a size large. Don't let it hurt your feelings..-- No matter how many times you tell them that you are broad shouldered and x-smalls like they wear don't fit you- Just wear what you want and be happy with it. Do Y O U.
20. Stop going to other people for relationship advice. Do what you want. Say what you want. It's your relationship.
21. If people don't accept you for who you are, it's their loss.
22. When someone does you wrong, smile and thank them. You don't need sorry people surrounding you.
23. When someone who is a micro-manager steps in... ignore. And try your hardest not to punch anyone. It's hard. I know.
24. Drink the dang Dr.Pepper.
25. Stop thinking and overthinking about the months to come. Let it all work itself out. 
26. Try not to cry when you happen to see something for the first time since he left. Yes, you spent many summer nights there and yes your heart is going to race like no other and the tears are going to try to flood down your cheeks, but don't let them. Take a deep breath, tell yourself the memories will never die. You are here and you have so much to offer. Then walk away and don't look back.
27. Forgive him....even if you don't ever tell him you forgive him. Just make it right in your heart.
28. Take your time picking up the pieces of your heart. 
29.Read 28.

 And finally...

30. Don't ever let someone make you feel not good enough. Or when they think they know something but they don't- just let them talk and don't respond. No body has any idea what you are doing and what's in your heart. Just let them think they are right. They'll find out one day that they aren't always right. You are good enough. You know your heart. Remember that. 

Trust me.
You're lovely.

Image Courtesy of Sarah McCallister


Dear you...

I came across an article earlier on Facebook and of course I shared it. It was about going from being in a relationship and best friends to being strangers. 

A feeling I know all too well.
A feeling I am sure you know all too well.

I've done a lot of soul searching in the last 10 weeks.  A lot. Too many tears to even try to count. Many nights of just laying in bed and being so tired but not being able to sleep. Many nights of crying myself to sleep. And as usual, many nights of playing and replaying conversations and scenarios over and over and over again in my mind. Just wondering what I could have done or said differently. 

I tried to let go. I really did. I tried so so super hard. But it wasn't happening. I tried to smile. I tried to be happy...but it just wasn't happening. Arguments with my parents and some friends because "I should just be happy"...yeah it's not that easy guys. Especially for someone who battles depression. Can't just flip that switch to "happy mode". (I know they didn't understand and I was still thankful that they cared..even if they didn't understand.)

But, I have finally accepted some things and am still learning to let go...to make myself let go. In order to take my next step, I have to do this. So, here goes nothing.

Dear you,

I wasn't too sure how to feel or what to think when we first met. Smitten, I was. But willing to trust, I wasn't. I soon found out as the weeks went by that trust was something I could have with you. You were genuine. You were sincere. But still after seeing that, even after I still struggled with it. I wasted so much time. I wasted so much time by worrying and fretting and not fully living in the moment. I am sorry for that. 

Many many nights I sat and watched you. Nervous for you. Stressing for you. Cheering for you. I can still remember the way my heart felt the first time I had the courage to look over at the dugout and you just happened to be looking up at me. I think I was doing cartwheels and back flips in my mind. (Obviously in the mind...we both know I can't do a back flip.) When you were hurting, I was hurting. I know you're tough and you tried to be extra tough...even when I would ask if my head on you was hurting and you'd say no. I knew it was. I wanted to be able to just wave a magic wand and make you 100% good and ready to go. But I couldn't. So I encouraged you in any way I could. I vented to you. You vented to me. I told you things that I didn't really expect to tell you. You encouraged me and believed in me. You were there and ready to listen. Many changes were happening in life and I was away for a bit experiencing something so rewarding but something that was breaking me. You supported me. You supported my decision. Thank you.

I quickly saw you becoming my best friend. I liked it.

But what I didn't like was things that held me back. The thought of you leaving. The thought of you leaving and us never speaking again. (ha which obviously, that's the case.) I held myself back because I was scared. I was afraid. I didn't know how to be apart of something that scared me. This then brought on the thoughts of if you really did care for me. If you really did want me happy, like you said very often. Was it real? Or was I just imagining something up in my little la la land of me? 

The answer to that, I still don't have. The way you slowly but so quickly backed off all at once after you left, that leaves me believing that I really didn't mean anything to you. That I was just convenient for the time being. Silly girl. Silly silly girl. But then the part of me that knows you. That knows your emotions, and the meanings behind your words. The me that knows what a facial expression means in a second. The me that knows your heart is good and still cares for me. That gives me an answer that I wish was the truth. You did care, you DO care.

I'm not going to lie..I feel pretty dumb right now for writing this out. Not sure if you're reading this or not. But if you are, don't think I am a silly girl or that I am dumb. I am just healing. I am trying to erase you from my heart and from my memory. Trying to shake the sound of your voice that I can still hear. Trying to shake the feel of your kisses on my forehead. Trying to shake the feeling I had every-time we made eye contact. I don't want it in my life anymore. I don't want to think about it. Any of it. I don't want to think about you. 
That's not because of anger or resentment. It's just because...because I need to let myself let go. You're moving on and I am standing still. I am that silly girl that writes out her emotions...more than once..we both know.

Believe it or not..everyone sticks up for you. My momma, my dad, even N (she always has). Heck even my sister. I try so hard to make it seem like you did me so wrong. But in reality, they are right. You and I never discussed anything for what would happen. I guess I got what I deserved? How could I have been so blind? 
As I try to finish this, I find myself with a quivering lip and a tsunami of tears being held back. I can't cry over this anymore. I can't let this have any say or effect on my life anymore. I can't live life on pause. 

The way I see it, is that I was a convenience. Maybe you were scared because you knew there was ability to be more? I don't know. I do know that I'm done making myself miserable. I am done trying to figure you out. It's sad how easy it is for you. I can't waste my time on someone who went from caring to not caring. Clearly, I shouldn't care...right?
But I tell myself that if you wanted to be apart of my life, you would be.
But just know, I wouldn't trade any moment we had together for anything in the world. Every word I said, I meant. Every kiss we shared, I put my heart there. And no matter where you are, I will always always be your fan. 

I wish you the very best. A life full of happiness and success. 
But just to let you know...I have a feeling this won't be the last you see of me. Someday, somewhere we will meet again.

But for now, 

I have to let you go.

Love always, 
a healing heart.


It's not me, but it's not you...

Unworthy. A word that is too often used to define ourselves. A word that is nothing but a lie. A word that can tear you down and make you feel smaller than an ant. 
This is something I have been battling.
I have felt and thought that I am not enough. That I am so unworthy of anything good in this life. 

Unworthy (adjective): not worthy; lacking worth or excellence. Not deserving.

It may be hard to believe that this is something I have been battling. The feeling of being not good enough. Not pretty enough. Broken. Yearning for anything to make me feel pain or happiness...just to feel something so I know that I am still living. 

Yesterday I was faced with a task. A task that if I truly wanted it to work and I wanted to succeed at it, I had to actually dig deep. I had to admit and face some fears. I had to admit and face insecurities. 

There I stood, in front of women- some I knew really well and some I had only been around for 24 hours- and I spoke out loud and admitted that I tell myself and believe daily that I am not enough. That my spirit and heart are so broken. That I don't see my identity in Christ anymore. That I have been feeling that God has abandoned me, that He doesn't hear me. 

After these words came out of my mouth, I walked to the fire and threw the sticky note in there and burned this word. I burned, unworthy. 

He walked out of my life because of something that was going on with him, not because of me or something I did. I did nothing wrong. 

That friendship took time apart because God needed to do work in us separately..not because I wasn't good enough.

I didn't get that certain job because I wasn't good enough..I was more than good enough. God was protecting me from less than His best.

I'm not walking through this storm because God is punishing me. No, I am walking through this storm because God loves me. He loves me. He says I am good enough. He is showing me that I am worthy. Building my character and my faith.

You see, the devil loves when we have these thoughts. When something goes wrong these days we automatically wonder and over think and drag ourselves down wondering what you did wrong. What could you have done differently? If you had straighter teeth or bigger boobs maybe he would have stayed. If you would have slept with him then he definitely would have stayed. YOU are NOT ENOUGH. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE UGLY. Yall, it's all lies. that's what it is. Just lies. Don't allow these thoughts to stick around. Yes, it's hard to kick them out. It really is. But if you want to truly be happy then you've got to kick them out. 

I am exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally worn out. I can't keep going like this. I can't keep over analyzing and wondering what I did wrong. Or why did he choose me and then hurt my heart? Or why are all the good things happening to her and I have been a faithful servant for God's kingdom, yet I am walking through darkness and struggling with my worth and feeling broken? I am tired of trying to please everyone else. I am tired of putting myself on the back burner and deciding to sit on things that I want most in life. I am tired of it. 

Today, I decided to take the first step. The first step in turning these thoughts around. The first step into the rest of my life. The first step into healthy thinking. 
And it starts with God's word. It starts with remembering and being reminded that my worth is in Jesus Christ. He died for me. I was wonderfully made. I AM ENOUGH. I do deserve the good things to come. 

I don't know if any of you are dealing with this or have dealt with this, but if you are, just know you're not alone. This is one of the hardest battles. My poor mom gets phone calls about once every two weeks of me just bawling and talking about how I am so unhappy and how I hate everything. It shouldn't be like this yall. 
God wants the very best for us. He wants the very best for Y O U.

You may be walking through a storm right now in your life. You may be in a very very dark place. But it's for a reason. Dig the hardest you've ever dug and try to find any ounce of faith you have left. Because if you're like me, it's hard to find our faith these days. You're just not sure how to have faith.  Just keep holding on. Keep pushing. When you want to just lay down and quit and cry, push harder. 
We don't always have to know why God is doing what He is doing in our lives. We don't. We just need to trust Him and His plan. We have to trust that he removes things from our lives in order to protect us. Just take a step back, release the hurt. Ask God to heal your broken spirit and your broken heart. Hand it all to Him.

Don't give up on yourself and don't give up on God. 
Remember, you are enough. You deserve all the good. and YOU are worthy.



Y'all...before I start this post I just have a few things to say. 

#1. I know it seems like my life is constantly ups and downs. That's majority of what you see on here. I'm not going to lie. I have been walking through some storms. I choose to share these storms with you guys. That doesn't mean that I complain about these struggles. That doesn't mean that I am always sad and miserable and just not happy with life. It doesn't mean that there isn't joy and happiness and love in my life. Trust me when I say, my life is full of happiness, love and joy. 

#2. Recently there have been a lot of things said about my blog, in a negative way. (Reference back to #1)- All I am going to say, is that if you don't like it, if you don't like me sharing life and struggles, then don't read it. No one is forcing you to read my writings. I appreciate each and every one of you who take the time to read this blog. I don't know who reads it, and I don't know where in the world they are located. But I do know that God has people coming across it and is using it. 


#3. If you are ever written about on here, or mentioned in some way- don't get upset. That's what happens when you enter a writer's life. You live forever on the blog. 

#4. There is no number 4. So....let's get started!!

Yesterday, I received a text that alarmed me. Went straight to my inbox and saw some news that stopped me in my tracks. I felt like I was about to puke. My stomach leaped and twisted and turned and I got hot. I had no thoughts going through my mind at the time. Just tears. As I read the words, I literally think I saw everything falling down. I was close to just sitting down in the middle of the campus sidewalk and just sitting, as I tried to get my breath back. 

I was suppose to be at W's to go fishing in like 5 minutes. But I just stood there. Finally I was able to move my legs and then my feet. I got to my car and called Nichole. Cried and cried. I didn't understand why this was happening. 

"Haven't You taken enough away from me God? Why this? Why something so familiar and comfortable to me. Why something I am so good at? Something that has been such a blessing to my life for the last almost 3 years. WHY GOD?" These thoughts just kept coming. They kept crying out in my mind. 

If you're new to this blog, read here & here to be up to date on what's been happening in life the past 2 months.

As I drove in silence the few minutes down the road, I just thought about each person who has left. I thought about how they made me feel. I thought about how thankful I was to have had the time with them. Then when I got to thinking about this..well I had no thoughts. Just silent cries and waterfalls of tears. 
And let's be honest...silent cries are never pretty.

As I sat by the little lake and figured out this odd fishing pole I was using, I looked up. And for the first time in awhile I was seeing the sky. I was seeing the vivid dark blues in the clouds. The pinkish purple of the sun setting. It was in this moment that I realized a few things. 1. God's not punishing me. 2. Was I going to praise God during this storm or not? 3. Was I just going to throw my hands up and quit and just ignore what God is doing? 4. When was I going to quit questioning God? 

I answered all of these within minutes. 
James 1: 2-4 came to mind:

Then I got to thinking. What seems like chaos always always proceeds change. Always. And I don't really know, but chaos and change is exactly what's been happening in my life since August. People were taken away, and people have been added into my life. The door for an amazing job that I have been so thankful for and loved so much, has now closed. God placed each person in my life for a reason. I keep reminding myself that His hand is in all of this. He is rearranging right now. Kinda like I rearrange my room every week. Seriously. Now I know how my furniture feels. ha. Yes, I just made myself laugh too with that one. 

Even though God is moving so much around in my life, I have been able to find peace in this. I have chosen Joy. I've chosen joy y'all. Yes, it is so hard. And I am so confused. I want to know what's happening and why. I wish I had answers. Answers that we didn't have to think about. But the answer is, that God is working and moving and changing lives right now. I was obviously getting a little too comfortable, and it was time for those doors to close. 

So y'all with those doors closed and no doors opening just yet, I am standing in the hallway. In a hallway, confused, and sad, but joyful in my heart. Oh, so joyful. I'm joyful because I am choosing to praise God. To thank Him for the time He has given me with those amazing things behind the doors that He just closed.

Look at it this way. I just turned 25 this past Friday. Life is getting real. I mean y'all, I will be graduating college soon and moving off on my own to begin such a huge chapter in my life. It's all just beginning. These are changes that are happening before that can begin. 

It's hard. I know it is. Whatever you are going through, whatever hallway you are standing in and waiting for a door to open, praise God and continually thank Him. He is working and moving in your life. God blesses those who obey and patiently endure testing and temptation.

So, while I may feel like my life has been stripped down to the bare. Friends are gone, sister is gone, life is different. Finding a new job. Really being alone and walking through this storm just me and God... I know there is a reason and something is about to happen.  

Sometimes we really have to have everything taken away from us, for us to realize what life is about. For God to bring better into our lives. To figure What our purpose here is.
That's just what I am doing. Figuring this life out step by step.


A reason to sing...

Recently, I've been writing a lot about things that I've been dealing with and battling daily. Each day gets a bit better than the day before. I am seeing that beauty in fact does come from broken things. That things must end so that greater things can begin. Now don't misunderstand me..I am still struggling daily. But I am choosing to look for joy. 

There's a song I have had on repeat for awhile now. Today while driving home from class, this song came on and I automatically put it on repeat. It wasn't sunny outside. It was kinda gloomy. It was about 4:30, and traffic was starting to build. I listened to the words. My heart sang the words. As I was driving I held my hand out the window and just let the air run through my fingers and around my hand. I glanced over and saw my wrist. Let God. I read the words again that are printed so beautifully on my wrist. And then behind those words I then saw my face in the side mirror in-front of my hand. As I looked at my reflection, I saw so much. I saw a young woman. With so much joy that I could see the pain. I could see the sadness that she was fighting. Trying her hardest to choose joy. I focused back onto the road and the words of the song were echoing in my mind..

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don't feel you anymore
No I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing

 The song wasn't even over yet and I started it over. This time, I focused on the words and let them sink so deep into my heart. I was thinking about the past month. How sad I have been. How the ones I confided in are still here. Still for me. I realized that it's okay for good things to end. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss someone. It is okay. I saw myself in my mind and how strong I have become in the past 4 weeks. Learning to keep myself company. Figuring out how to keep myself busy. Understanding what it means to still love those people, even after they've hurt you. 

When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go

It was in this moment that I realized that I have to let go. I have to let go of people and of things. I have to let go of moments. I have to stop trying to live in the past...the past is no longer here. The past is miles and miles away. I know what my reason to sing is. I know who my reason to sing is. 

Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now

 I have finally found the good in this. I have finally opened my heart and my eyes to God and to trust His plan. All the times that I felt I was forgetting how to breathe. The times that I literally thought I was feeling my heart break. The times that I would cry and not be able to
stop. The nights I would lay in bed and replay every single day and every single word.  

The nights I would cry out to God and ask where He was in all of this? Why had He abandoned me? Why did He leave me? Didn't He know how weak I am? I am seeing that He was there all along. Waiting for me. Crying with me

I have found beauty in this broken mess.
 In this imperfection, I have found perfection
That my friends, is my reason to sing.

*** song is A Reason to Sing by All Sons & Daughters