and so the story continued on.
If you've been a reader of my blog, you know that over the years I've realized that you can't make someone who doesn't want to be with you, be with you. And you definitely don't want to be with that person if they really don't want to be there.
And with that, I closed the chapter. I will take a deep breath and I will put one foot in front of the other and I will walk on with my head held high. For so long I've hung onto every word and every text. I've cried, I've sobbed, I've yelled, and I've laughed. I knew in my heart that we would never get to where I ultimately thought we would...but the words, and the dates, and the time spent together was all false hope. It was just something to keep me holding on. And that's not okay. Not okay for myself and not okay for him.This is possibly one of the hardest but easiest decisions I've ever made.
Hard because this isn't the life I want for my child. It breaks my heart that he will know what it feels like to have his dad living under a different roof. I don't want him to have to go through the pick ups and drop offs. But, that's not my decision anymore. I tried. And I fought like hell to make it work. But at some point I had to gracefully lay down my boxing gloves and walk away. Remind myself that this is probably a beautiful blessing and it's led to a new road in God's plan for my journey. I remind myself that God gives and He takes away..and then He gives again...but better than the last. As a mother there's so many pressures and so many what if's and so just so many expectations. I have enough to worry about and trying to get someone to love me isn't a priority anymore. Especially someone who likes me as a person because I'm funny and cool to hang around.
Slap in the face.
* A good bit of people are probably going to be upset with this post but I don't care anymore. Opinions are irrelevant to me and until you've walked in someone's shoes, keep it to yourself.
So, where do you put an end to it? How do you know when it's time?
For me, the final straw hit me like a ton of bricks in my face, then falling down the ladder and landing on the pokey little stickers in the grass. That straw broke.
I was sad all the time. I was miserable. I was on edge. I was constantly wondering when he would pop up and say he was done. Like it just wasn't fair.
So much anxiety. So much. And I never knew what the truth was. Was he really still at work? Did he really stay home alone last night? By no means am I calling this person a liar...but after he hurt and burned me, I never knew what was real and what was fake. I mean for months he told me he loved me and was happy and then bam. I'm a month from having our baby and he's telling me he in fact did not love me and I was left to pack up my life and move out. Wouldn't you question every word that was said after that?
I sure as hell did.
Little piece of advice.. "taking it slow and seeing where things go" isn't something you do once you've had a kid with someone. You're either ALL in or ALL OUT. No in between. In between isn't an option for me. If only this person knew the awful ways he made me feel..he probably wouldn't be able to look me in the eye again. It was so sad.
I am just so over feeling how I've felt. It just wasn't a good way to feel.
hurt people, hurt people.
So, here we are.
I've come to terms with a lot of things.
I don't understand.
But I'm okay.
I don't hate this person.
I don't think this person is a bad person.
Just a person who is lost.
My child brings more joy to my life than I could ever imagine.
Motherhood is one of my purposes here on this earth.
I know the sun will rise and we will be okay.
I know God has a beautiful plan for mine and baby A's life.
Just like He always has, He will use this hurt and confusion for good.
I pray that A grows up knowing how loved he truly is and that he never ever questions his worth..
because recently, I've questioned mine a lot lately.
Am I not good enough? Why can I not be loved? What if no one will want me?
But, if you think for one second that I am going to let someones poor mistake cause me to feel unworthy...then you don't know me.
Some people just can't love. And some will never be that family person. And that's okay.
Let people miss out. Don't chase them. Those who care will be there and those who don't, won't. It's as simple as that.
Throughout all of this I have learned so much.
1. I am stronger than I think. You are stronger than you think. You really don't know how strong you are until you're put in a situation where you have to keep moving.. and finding the strength to carry on. Having baby A has made me so strong. I've figured out who I am and what I want. Settling is not an option.
2. You can't make anyone be there who doesn't want to be. Indecision is a decision. That's every answer you need to know. There's no reason to ask any more questions.. you've got your answer.
3. People aren't always going to get both sides of the story...and usually, they are going to believe and run with the first version they hear. This is okay. Just be honest. With yourself and with God.
4. Relationships aren't suppose to be covered in anxiety, worry, sadness, and fear. Yes, relationships are hard. But a relationship shouldn't be full of anxieties and ugliness and hostility. Remember that.
If someone truly loves you- you will never had to look for evidence of that love.
5. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship in your life.
think about that...
6. Money doesn't mean a thing..time, effort, and love..that's what means the most.
7. You can be in someone's life as much as you want to be or as little as you'd like. But just know that you can't get time back. Time waits for no one.
So my friends, this is my story. It's not ending, it's still beginning. I have a beautiful baby boy that God blessed me with and continues to bless me with every.single.day. I have a wonderful family that I'd be lost without, and I have friends that you don't find all the time. I'm very hopeful for our future.It's not just my future anymore..it's our future. A and I are a package deal...and we are one heck of a package too. So, as I sit here in my bed with Maren Morris' "space" on repeat, watching my babe sleep away on the monitor, I will think about the good and the great that came from the chapter that was just closed..and I smile. I smile, because once again, this is where God always takes the hurt and sadness and shows me the next thing He has lined up. Just fitting the puzzle pieces together.
A friend reminded me today that I cannot let others control my emotions. I have to make a choice. We all have to make a choice.
So, just remember, when you're at the end of your rope and you're just not sure you can hold on any longer, you can. God is with you. You are strong. His plan for your life is more beautiful than anything you could ever dream up.
|Corey Dean Images | March 2018|