Today, I just needed to write. That's all I wanted to do. I just needed to get it out. Today, out of nowhere something totally unexpected hit me (not like HIT me but you know what I mean)....and I didn't know how to handle it. After deep deep breaths and trying to calm myself down, I realized something.
We can smile all we want. We can say we are fine, all we want. But the truth is, some may say those things, but on the inside we are totally freaking out and wracking our brains on that "to-do" list or something that we are probably over thinking and over analyzing. Today, I caught of feel of this. For about 45 minutes I had to hold back tears and quickly wipe away the ones that escaped. I had to have a conversation and I couldn't even breathe. I stood there trying to coach myself through....
short quick breaths. I can't breathe. I can't catch my breath. Sweat rolling down my forehead. My heart racing. Things were just spinning around me and I was just there. I was just there, trying to get a grip on myself.
I'm not really sure what kind of season I am in right now. I'm not quite sure what exactly God is showing and teaching me. I try so hard to handle things and control things. When really, I'm not meant to control things. I cannot control everything. I cannot handle and take care of everything.
I work myself up so much. I keep myself busy. If I'm not doing something I feel so worthless.
But what is it that I am trying to ignore? What is it?
Is it that my heart is happy, but my mind just doesn't know how to accept it? Is it that a part of me is just waiting for it all to crumble? What is it?
I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. But I push myself so darn hard. I push myself to the point of becoming sick. I literally put myself into exhaustion because I keep myself so busy and stressing over things that I literally cannot control and will never be able to control.
I need to..no I HAVE to..sit, be still and let God be God. His timing is perfect. His plan is perfect. Made and molded exactly for me. Worrying does nothing but steal our joy.
I can't control what others think about me. I can't control how someone feels about me. I can't control it. I don't have to do everything. I don't have to stack my plate so high.
I'm learning this. Day by day.
It's okay to take a step back. It's okay to breathe. It's okay to say the word NO. It's okay.