As I sit here on my bedroom floor, still in my gym clothes, and already knowing that tomorrow I won't be able to walk, I am overcome by an emotion I have never felt.
And I like it...
This time last year I was living a life of constant ups and downs and making decisions based on emotions. I was faking a smile daily. I was constantly playing scenarios in my head of it all. But I was searching. I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted for my life. Who I wanted in my life.
I took a step. A step of faith. This changed everything.
Here I am, just 19 days short of it being a year. A year that has hugely helped define my life and my journey with God. Just 19 days short of seeing that I made a decision, I respected myself, and I stayed strong. It's been a rough rough year. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Each hard moment, each tear drop that rolled down my cheek, each laugh, each day I woke up trying to figure out why I was living the life I was, each day that I wanted to give up and just quit...each day has made me stronger. Stronger then I ever thought I was capable of being.
I was back and forth with my decision for so long and finally I knew what God was asking me to do. I trusted Him. And now, here I am. Just 19 days short of a year.
My heart sings. It sings songs of joy, thankfulness, happiness. Shining so bright. Just hoping that maybe, just maybe, God can use my testimony and those struggles to help someone else. Someone who is facing what I was facing. So much uncertainty and fear. Fear of being alone, fear of failing, fear of other opinions. Fear. I am here to tell you that it's not easy. It was a hard hard trail. But so worth it. SO worth it. Those days and nights when I just laid on the floor just crying out to God and feeling so lost and in such a black hole, those moments, they brought me closer to God. One step closer to finding my identity in Him. I learned how to not only praise God in the good but also in the not so good. Reminding myself often throughout the days that God has a plan. He wasn't going to leave me. He wasn't going to forget about me. There was a reason for all of this. I am grateful.
So, here's to the struggles of this past year and to struggles of the future...You will help make me stronger.
My heart is so peaceful. I am happy. I am thankful. Even though there's so much more life to be lived and more roads to be walked, it soothes my soul to know that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet. So trust me when I say..when you finally see what you deserve and you patiently wait, it is amazing. Truly amazing.