Rearranging

Y'all...before I start this post I just have a few things to say. 

#1. I know it seems like my life is constantly ups and downs. That's majority of what you see on here. I'm not going to lie. I have been walking through some storms. I choose to share these storms with you guys. That doesn't mean that I complain about these struggles. That doesn't mean that I am always sad and miserable and just not happy with life. It doesn't mean that there isn't joy and happiness and love in my life. Trust me when I say, my life is full of happiness, love and joy. 

#2. Recently there have been a lot of things said about my blog, in a negative way. (Reference back to #1)- All I am going to say, is that if you don't like it, if you don't like me sharing life and struggles, then don't read it. No one is forcing you to read my writings. I appreciate each and every one of you who take the time to read this blog. I don't know who reads it, and I don't know where in the world they are located. But I do know that God has people coming across it and is using it. 

And

#3. If you are ever written about on here, or mentioned in some way- don't get upset. That's what happens when you enter a writer's life. You live forever on the blog. 

#4. There is no number 4. So....let's get started!!

Yesterday, I received a text that alarmed me. Went straight to my inbox and saw some news that stopped me in my tracks. I felt like I was about to puke. My stomach leaped and twisted and turned and I got hot. I had no thoughts going through my mind at the time. Just tears. As I read the words, I literally think I saw everything falling down. I was close to just sitting down in the middle of the campus sidewalk and just sitting, as I tried to get my breath back. 

I was suppose to be at W's to go fishing in like 5 minutes. But I just stood there. Finally I was able to move my legs and then my feet. I got to my car and called Nichole. Cried and cried. I didn't understand why this was happening. 

"Haven't You taken enough away from me God? Why this? Why something so familiar and comfortable to me. Why something I am so good at? Something that has been such a blessing to my life for the last almost 3 years. WHY GOD?" These thoughts just kept coming. They kept crying out in my mind. 

If you're new to this blog, read here & here to be up to date on what's been happening in life the past 2 months.

As I drove in silence the few minutes down the road, I just thought about each person who has left. I thought about how they made me feel. I thought about how thankful I was to have had the time with them. Then when I got to thinking about this..well I had no thoughts. Just silent cries and waterfalls of tears. 

And let's be honest...silent cries are never pretty.

As I sat by the little lake and figured out this odd fishing pole I was using, I looked up. And for the first time in awhile I was seeing the sky. I was seeing the vivid dark blues in the clouds. The pinkish purple of the sun setting. It was in this moment that I realized a few things. 1. God's not punishing me. 2. Was I going to praise God during this storm or not? 3. Was I just going to throw my hands up and quit and just ignore what God is doing? 4. When was I going to quit questioning God? 

I answered all of these within minutes. 

James 1: 2-4 came to mind:

Then I got to thinking. What seems like chaos always always proceeds change. Always. And I don't really know, but chaos and change is exactly what's been happening in my life since August. People were taken away, and people have been added into my life. The door for an amazing job that I have been so thankful for and loved so much, has now closed. God placed each person in my life for a reason. I keep reminding myself that His hand is in all of this. He is rearranging right now. Kinda like I rearrange my room every week. Seriously. Now I know how my furniture feels. ha. Yes, I just made myself laugh too with that one. 

Even though God is moving so much around in my life, I have been able to find peace in this. I have chosen Joy. I've chosen joy y'all. Yes, it is so hard. And I am so confused. I want to know what's happening and why. I wish I had answers. Answers that we didn't have to think about. But the answer is, that God is working and moving and changing lives right now. I was obviously getting a little too comfortable, and it was time for those doors to close. 

So y'all with those doors closed and no doors opening just yet, I am standing in the hallway. In a hallway, confused, and sad, but joyful in my heart. Oh, so joyful. I'm joyful because I am choosing to praise God. To thank Him for the time He has given me with those amazing things behind the doors that He just closed.

Look at it this way. I just turned 25 this past Friday. Life is getting real. I mean y'all, I will be graduating college soon and moving off on my own to begin such a huge chapter in my life. It's all just beginning. These are changes that are happening before that can begin. 

It's hard. I know it is. Whatever you are going through, whatever hallway you are standing in and waiting for a door to open, praise God and continually thank Him. He is working and moving in your life. God blesses those who obey and patiently endure testing and temptation.

So, while I may feel like my life has been stripped down to the bare. Friends are gone, sister is gone, life is different. Finding a new job. Really being alone and walking through this storm just me and God... I know there is a reason and something is about to happen.  

Sometimes we really have to have everything taken away from us, for us to realize what life is about. For God to bring better into our lives. To figure What our purpose here is.
That's just what I am doing. Figuring this life out step by step.