Unworthy. A word that is too often used to define ourselves. A word that is nothing but a lie. A word that can tear you down and make you feel smaller than an ant.
This is something I have been battling.
I have felt and thought that I am not enough. That I am so unworthy of anything good in this life.
Unworthy (adjective): not worthy; lacking worth or excellence. Not deserving.
It may be hard to believe that this is something I have been battling. The feeling of being not good enough. Not pretty enough. Broken. Yearning for anything to make me feel pain or happiness...just to feel something so I know that I am still living.
Yesterday I was faced with a task. A task that if I truly wanted it to work and I wanted to succeed at it, I had to actually dig deep. I had to admit and face some fears. I had to admit and face insecurities.
There I stood, in front of women- some I knew really well and some I had only been around for 24 hours- and I spoke out loud and admitted that I tell myself and believe daily that I am not enough. That my spirit and heart are so broken. That I don't see my identity in Christ anymore. That I have been feeling that God has abandoned me, that He doesn't hear me.
After these words came out of my mouth, I walked to the fire and threw the sticky note in there and burned this word. I burned, unworthy.
He walked out of my life because of something that was going on with him, not because of me or something I did. I did nothing wrong.
That friendship took time apart because God needed to do work in us separately..not because I wasn't good enough.
I didn't get that certain job because I wasn't good enough..I was more than good enough. God was protecting me from less than His best.
I'm not walking through this storm because God is punishing me. No, I am walking through this storm because God loves me. He loves me. He says I am good enough. He is showing me that I am worthy. Building my character and my faith.
You see, the devil loves when we have these thoughts. When something goes wrong these days we automatically wonder and over think and drag ourselves down wondering what you did wrong. What could you have done differently? If you had straighter teeth or bigger boobs maybe he would have stayed. If you would have slept with him then he definitely would have stayed. YOU are NOT ENOUGH. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE UGLY. Yall, it's all lies. that's what it is. Just lies. Don't allow these thoughts to stick around. Yes, it's hard to kick them out. It really is. But if you want to truly be happy then you've got to kick them out.
I am exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally worn out. I can't keep going like this. I can't keep over analyzing and wondering what I did wrong. Or why did he choose me and then hurt my heart? Or why are all the good things happening to her and I have been a faithful servant for God's kingdom, yet I am walking through darkness and struggling with my worth and feeling broken? I am tired of trying to please everyone else. I am tired of putting myself on the back burner and deciding to sit on things that I want most in life. I am tired of it.
Today, I decided to take the first step. The first step in turning these thoughts around. The first step into the rest of my life. The first step into healthy thinking.
And it starts with God's word. It starts with remembering and being reminded that my worth is in Jesus Christ. He died for me. I was wonderfully made. I AM ENOUGH. I do deserve the good things to come.
I don't know if any of you are dealing with this or have dealt with this, but if you are, just know you're not alone. This is one of the hardest battles. My poor mom gets phone calls about once every two weeks of me just bawling and talking about how I am so unhappy and how I hate everything. It shouldn't be like this yall.
God wants the very best for us. He wants the very best for Y O U.
You may be walking through a storm right now in your life. You may be in a very very dark place. But it's for a reason. Dig the hardest you've ever dug and try to find any ounce of faith you have left. Because if you're like me, it's hard to find our faith these days. You're just not sure how to have faith. Just keep holding on. Keep pushing. When you want to just lay down and quit and cry, push harder.
We don't always have to know why God is doing what He is doing in our lives. We don't. We just need to trust Him and His plan. We have to trust that he removes things from our lives in order to protect us. Just take a step back, release the hurt. Ask God to heal your broken spirit and your broken heart. Hand it all to Him.
Don't give up on yourself and don't give up on God.
Remember, you are enough. You deserve all the good. and YOU are worthy.