So, it's been awhile.
And when I say awhile I mean almost two months....that's too long.

Life has been very interesting these last two months.
My mission trip to LA happened earlier this month and it was life changing. I will have a post up soon about that.

But tonight there is something weighing so heavy on my heart.
Being still.

I woke up with a feeling of peace. I got up looked in the mirror and threw my hair up in a pony. Sleepily walked to the kitchen and went through all the motions of getting my cup of coffee. "Today will be a good day" I thought to myself. Came back to my bed and opened my Bible. Fast forward a few hours and I am battling thoughts. Fighting my mind from going there. You're amounting to nothing. You weren't good enough for him. God has definitely let you down. You're going nowhere in this life...everyone would be better off if you weren't here. I don't know why He saved you from the 18 wheeler. 

Lie after lie after lie.

Still, everywhere I look, doors are still closing. 
I had my heart set on a job. A job that seemed so perfect for me. Interview went wonderful, it just made sense. And then, last Friday night I am sitting at a ball game and the email came through letting me know the position was filled. Instantly I started sobbing. And I mean sobbing. Thank goodness the lights were shutting off for fireworks because I was a tearful mess. As I sat there and heard the boom of each firework, I felt the pieces of my heart falling apart. The ache. The sadness. The sadness was just so sad. I was so sad. So so sad. I remember sending a text that said "why is everything good being taken away from me?"  I remember hitting send and then feeling the tears fall from my cheeks onto my legs. I just sobbed. First, God shuts the door on a relationship that I wanted so badly to work. So badly. And it wasn't shut in a nice way. It was a slam with silence. And then it was just rejection from every job. But this job was different. It was almost perfect for my first "official move off to a different state and start my own life job". I just kept texting. Asking why God was doing this. Why was this happening. 

He's closing on the good, to bring in the great.

And then the words from a sweet sweet new friend I met in Los Angeles hit me. 
"God is healing the deepest hurts and the deepest pains of your heart. Even the parts you are too ashamed to tell anyone about. He is healing them. And He is SO excited about what He has planned for you."

I let the memories of those words soak into my mind and my heart. 
I came home and cried myself to sleep that night.

But what is it? What is the reasoning behind the fact that I am so against letting this person go? What was it about that job that made the news so devastating? 
Here I am, standing in front of both just waving my hands, jumping up and down saying 
"pick me! Pick me! Choose me! Here I am! Choose me!" 

And God is just there, saying "no my daughter. That's not what I have for you."

And that person just looks at me and doesn't want me.
 And that job saw me, but doesn't want me.

But don't play with my heart..if you don't want me, then let me go.

And there I am again, crying to my best friends because I am hurting. And here they are again, speaking God's promises into my life. And reminding me of my worth and deserving better.

And here I am. A week later. Just waiting.
Waiting for time to reveal things. Waiting for the moment I say "I see God. I see why that didn't happen."

I know God is working. And I know those doors closed for a reason. I am so thankful. I am. But it still hurts, and I still cry. But I also know that God has a different plan for me than what I had planned. I know that in this season of waiting, I am being refined and prepared. I am being taught. I am being disciplined. I am learning to trust again. I am seeing God working all around me. But it still doesn't make sense. 
And I am done trying to make sense of it all. I am exhausted from trying so hard.

In this waiting, I want to use this season to get to know God more intimately. Deeper than I have ever known Him. I want every aspect of my life to begin and end with Him. And every area in between that to be filled with him. While I am waiting I will praise Him in the valleys and I will praise Him on the mountains. 

I just never imagined that I would be in this position. That He would walk me through the fire. That I would face such hurt and heartbreak in my 26 years of life. But I am. I have. I will. And each step of the way, He is there. Right there with me. And on the days that it hurts to even breathe, He is breathing His breath into me. He is giving me strength to take the next step. Step by step, day by day. I am so grateful. 4 years ago I made a decision and walked away from a life that I didn't want. On that day I told God that my life is yours, my journey is yours- let's do this. I wholeheartedly yielded. Little did I know. 

This post is really me preaching to myself. Reminding myself of things. But it's also for you. If you are in a season of waiting, a season of unknowns, a season of life that is just really really hard and discouraging, I want to encourage you. Stick it out. Use this season to grow deeper in love with God. Use it to discover things about yourself. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry. And when you're confused and the enemy keeps filling your mind with his lies, just push into God. Remind yourself of His promises. 

So let the doors close and don't bang on them. 
Rejection is God's protection.
Open your heart and let God do His work.

If we could see through Jesus' eyes, we would want exactly what he wants for ourselves. 

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