So, here I sit. On my little twin size air mattress. Boxes packed and piled up around me. My empty closet with my suitcase full of clothes sitting in it. The comfortableness of my room isn't the normal. But I am comfortable. I think reality is hitting with every box I pack.
Honestly, I am not too sure how I feel right now.
I have a lot of silence in me.
As exciting as this all is, I am so so sad.
I'm not sure that I am necessarily ready for this chapter of my life to close. I want to hold onto it so badly. But, in the last few months, I've come to really really understand the pain of holding onto something that I need to let go of. So I know that I need to trustingly and gracefully let this chapter go. Let it close.
I am just so afraid. Afraid I won't ever feel the happiness that I've felt in this chapter. Or the rawness of loving someone so much and not being loved in return. The feeling of trying so hard to make someone see how worthy I was. The feeling of not being good enough. The feeling of fully trusting God when I couldn't see how the next day could possibly make sense. The feeling of feeling like a failure. The feeling of loneliness. Or the feeling of a heart so heavy that I honestly didn't know how to breathe.
You see, ALL of those feelings, I needed to feel. I had to feel them. And as much as I never ever want to feel that rejection and hurt and sadness again, I also know that if I don't feel those feelings again, then I've found the one who loves me so much in return. The one who sees how worthy God says I am. The feeling of achievement - when before I felt like such a failure in certain areas of life. The feeling of knowing what loneliness felt like, that way I will appreciate loneliness and company so much more. And the feeling of a heart so heavy- I'll be feeling so thankful that I have a heart that is capable of loving others so much.
You see, the more we hold onto someone or something, the worse it is for ourselves. We stay stuck. We start to devalue ourselves. We allow things to continually happen and it's a downward spiral.
Listen to me right here, right now-
You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make someone ready. You cannot keep replaying a chapter of your life because it's comfortable and you're scared of the future. You cannot keep punishing yourself. I know. Trust me... The thought of certain things not happening or being in my life, kills me. Makes my heart so so sad. I wish things could be different. But they can't and they aren't. I have to keep going, You have to keep going.
This is where our stories are beginning, not ending.
For months I have prayed and prayed for an opportunity to come my way. After rejection after rejection, finally something came. It all just fell into place and was so easy. And now 1 month and a week later, I am moving from Alabama to Tennessee. I can't be hesitant when this is something I have prayed about for so long. I can't be fearful.
There's a verse that just keeps playing over and over again in my mind and my heart these last couple days
"Never will I leave you, never will I abandon you." - Hebrews 13:5
Please, don't get me wrong- I am thrilled for this new journey. I am thankful for it. I have the best support system cheering me on and I am stoked. I know God has amazing plans. But, I am sad. I won't hide or deny that fact.
I just need a little extra help when it comes to the letting go part.
And that's okay- no matter what anyone says.
We ALL have something we need help letting go of.
And we ALL can do it. Trust God, trust His timing.
Let it go, Let it be.