to my future//

Dear future husband, 

Here I am, once again, curled up and comfy on the bed needing to talk. To get every detail out and off of my chest. To share what's going on in my mind and in my heart. To cry some tears because of the hurt I am feeling. To be reassured that I am worthy because God says I am. 

You see, the last couple of years have been a little tough. I'm sure, eventually, you will read this blog in its entirety, and you'll understand a little bit better. I've found myself in a few situations. A little blinded, a bit dumb, a bit stubborn, and confused. I've stayed when I should have ran, and I've ran when I should have stayed. I've spent countless nights praying for God to just hug me. To give me the slightest glimmer of hope and pull me through the night. I've prayed for Him to shut doors that didn't need to be opened. And that, He did. He's opened the doors that needed to be opened. 

Everything that He's taken, He's always replaced with something better fitting. 

I'm not sure if I'm just a hard person to love or if people just don't know how to love a heart like mine. In the last two experiences, they just haven't been able to care for my heart like God intends for the man to. And it's left me so sad but so hopeful in a way.

But it just hurts. It hurts when someone you've known for so long and wanted nothing more than to care for them, shuts you out. Disappears on you. Leaves you there, just standing..wondering what in the world just happened. And you replay conversations and memories and text messages and you just can't pinpoint it. You pick up the pieces of the hurt caused and you start to believe that it's you.  

I hope you've never done this to someone. Or had it done to you. I hope you're a man of courage and integrity. A man who is honest and sincere. A man who will never manipulate others or deceive others because you aren't sure of your feelings or you aren't sure how to handle fear. It hurts a lot. Relationships, friendships, etc...it hurts in those areas. 

I hope you're a patient man. A man who won't get frustrated with me when I'm just not in the best mood. Or a man that will never ever be with another woman behind my back. I hope you're a man that will tell me when something is wrong or bothering you. I pray you're a man that loves God more than you love me. I pray that you're a man who will lead me closer to The Lord. One who will be a beautiful reminder of God's faithfulness and His love. A man that puts others before himself.

I hope you never let me fall asleep letting me feel unwanted. No matter how mad you are at me.  And I will never ever let you fall asleep feeling unwanted..no matter how mad I am at you. 

I also hope you can handle my sharpie addiction, And my addiction to leggings and tennis shoes. 

I hope that you never put me down or make me feel less than. 

I don't know who you are, or where you're at. I don't know if I already know you. In either case, it's clear that God is just working away and arranging our roads to intersect finally, or again. 

But, what I do know, is that I've waited for what seems like forever for you. And I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. I am messy and emotional, and weird, and loud, and I talk too much, and I cry weekly...but I have a heart that will love you forever. A heart that just patiently waits for the day it meets yours. So my soul can finally say it's been waiting and it's found you. A heart that feels so much that it sometimes feels like it's breaking. 

Continuing to press into God is what keeps me going. Because trust me, I'd love to quit right now. I'd love to throw my hands up and give up. Be bitter and jaded. But I refuse to do that. So, pressing into God is what I will continue to do. He will keep molding me into the woman and wife He plans for me to be. Preparing me.

Life is messy and unpredictable. It's hard. It's not fair. But, it is also good. God is good and He is faithful. I know this sadness I feel right now will eventually become a memory that is stored in my heart. And when I hear a certain song, I know I will feel the sting of this particular sadness again. But I'll smile when I think about the fact that life is constantly changing and doors are closing because God is working. He is leading me to you and you to me. So tonight, when I lay down and close my eyes, I might let a few tears fall, but in my heart I know that 

Right now, our hearts are being prepared.