All this time//

Earlier today i posted a haunting status on Facebook. Now, im not usually posting statuses but when I get the urge, one is posted. Like this:

"In life we all go through things. And sometimes, in the midst of those things we ignore those who care for us because we are so focused on our circumstances around us. If I could turn back the clock and do it differently- I would. In a heartbeat. But that's not possible. It's possible to make the past the  past and build a beautiful now and future. Sometimes when we finally come to our senses and finally get out of the tunnel we were in- we see things. The people who were standing there with us the whole time. And usually it's not too late. But sometimes when we realize things- it may be a bit too late..and the sinking feeling is a feeling that leaves you breathless and hollow."

This past week has been an interesting one. Very interesting. I can't decide or figure out what in the heck is going on. So, naturally, I have overthought it and overthought it some more and more...and well, some more. You know how us females are.

It's just so out of character.

The silence is deafening. 

The silence is so loud that it's impossible to have a clear thought. 

Today as I was clearing out my iPad, I came across some things. They made me smile, they made me cry, and they made me angry at myself. They made my heart sad.

You see, for several years I wanted something so badly. But it just wouldn't couldn't happen. At some point, I gave up on the surface. Deep in my heart I still wanted this, but I knew it wasnt the time. Years go by. Still the same. And then out of nowhere, it was right there infront of me. Asking me to give everything I had wanted to give years before. But, I couldn't. My heart was in no shape to say yes. It was in no shape to be given. So I did what I needed to do in order to let God work in my heart and to heal me. And that, He did. And I just happened to be so lucky enough that I was forgiven and a new beginning was happening.

I got the job I only dreamt of having.

I moved back to Alabama. 

I was back in my church. 

And there, there was everything my heart had kept inside for so many years. Just like that, it was exploding and jumping for joy and smiling all at the same time. 

It was able to take a big sigh of relief and say "finally"....it was home. 

But now,

now,

it is sinking. It is thinking. It is wondering. 

Most of all, it is sorry.

I am sorry. 

I am sorry for all of the text messages that went unanswered. I am sorry for wanting something so badly and then saying no.....Only because there would be one more person hurting if I would have said yes. I am sorry for the silence I gave you. 

But what I'm not sorry for is for the fact that I gave silence and said no to protect you. To protect you from the hurt my heart would have caused you. I'm not sorry for the bajillion prayers I've prayed for you and for you and I. I'm not sorry for always being a little shy around you. I'm not sorry for being a drama queen and hitting the floor every time my foot is stepped on. I'm not sorry for looking up at you with a genuine smile so deep my heart was smiling with my face everytime you came around me. I'm not sorry for letting myself heal and for realizing that all this time, it's been you. I'm not sorry. And I'm especially not sorry for writing this. And I'm definitely not sorry for baring my heart to you. 

overreacting and overthinkning? timing? payback? fear of this?

I don't know. 

But what I do know is that, I'm here. I'm not leaving and I won't give up until told to. 

I'd drink my La Croix water and wear my little Nikes anywhere this life took us.

so, if you're reading this, there you have it. I am sorry for so many things and I'm also not sorry.

love always, 

MC