I am just so sick of this culture and how loosely they throw around love, relationships, and feelings.
BUT, when one of those culture followers decides to do that to a good one, well let's be thankful for that..because that good one finds y o u.
Let's talk about when that realness does come along. You're just living your life and finally loving yourself again and then here's the knock on your door. Everything halts...then slowly starts turning again. And you entertain the idea. But that's as far as you will go with it. Until entertaining turns into enjoying and then enjoying turns into connecting and connecting turns into wanting to see this person...more. WHAT. And you just keep going and it's like you don't even want to stop or check up. Because for the first time ever, this person isn't trying to change you. They enjoy the flaws that you've been insecure about because of some narcissistic individual who you were never good enough for...even at your best, would pick apart daily. They aren't constantly throwing up red flags and then gas lighting you. Because why?
Because they've been hurt too. And this is where the story begins.
As Maren Morris says
You didn't save me
You didn't think I needed saving
You didn't change me
You didn't think I needed changing
My wings are frayed and what's left of my halo's black
Lucky for me, your kind of heaven's been to Hell and back
And that's when you realize that not everyone has the intentions that your past had. But will it last? Only God knows that. But, what I can tell you is that it won't deter me or slow me down. I wont stop living and loving because I am fearful of being hurt again. When someone just gets you that's a unique thing, How nice it is to have someone that understands certain pains of life. Understands certain things that not everyone could understand. With just one look, the waves are calmed and there's a peace that flows across every inch of your body.
Such a breath of fresh air.
If there's anything I've learned in the last two years, it's to just keep going. Keep loving. Keep putting yourself out there...because one day, just one day, someone is going to come along and make your head spin and leave the stupidest smile on your face. And it will be easy and light. It will be something and someone that has depth. And it won't have to be so serious all the time 24/7. They will slowly break down walls. One at a time, Slowly but firmly. When this person does come along, just be yourself and breathe. Don't overthink (queen of overthinking RIGHT HERE), be honest with yourself and this person, and just enjoy it. Love should be fun. Hard times will come but once you get past the hard times, you both are stronger together.
For too long I tried so hard to make something that was doomed, work. And it just wouldn't work. My heart was miserable and hurting because I was pushing it to do something that it KNEW WAS WRONG. Let the past teach you what you need to know for the present and the future. Let it show you what you DON'T WANT.
So thank you, my past, for showing me. For showing me who I am, what I want, helping me to see my worth..that you were not worth. And treating me horribly. Because it made me stronger. I woke up and hated how I felt. I hated the motions every damn day. I wanted to cry, scream, and curse all at the same time. I didn't know that happiness could feel so light. I didn't know that it could be easy...that it didn't have to be so hard every day. Thank you for letting me be free. Thank you for letting me go before I even realized you had. Thank you for making me afraid to voice my feelings and hurt because I was always shut down and blamed for it. You helped me to learn to be brave and intentional with my words and my emotions..making it easier for when love did come along. To be able to communicate without fear of being made to feel stupid.
So, here's my heart. Repaired, full of love, and a few scars. But worth it all.
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