puzzle

I sat there on the front steps. Tears streaming down my cheeks and falling onto my black leather skirt. The night air was perfect and it was quiet. I clutched my phone in my hand and instantly the words echoed in my mind. 

It doesn't bother me if I don't hear from her all day.

I don't get overly excited when her name pops up on my phone.

Why does Megan have to be so nice

My heart literally ached.

But not with sadness...with hurt.

It was hurt. The kind of hurt where everything has stopped, how could I be so dumb, I thought I could trust, I care about these people and they don't give a shit about me kind of hurt.

Honestly, never in my life have I felt so stupid. So tricked.

My phone vibrated and I looked down. Kasey. Thank God. He knew I needed her right now. She's always been my best friend. Never judging me, always there for me even when I repeatedly did things she advised not to. I ignored the text and called her. Tears flowed. I sobbed. I just wanted to go home. Home to my baby. Home to where I know the people there are for me.

For the last month I have probably had more anxiety than I have had in a long time. You see, if you're a reader of the blog, you know that I have found such a peace with myself. With my testimony. With this path that God has me walking down. I met someone and it just flowed. And I could probably tell you the exact day things changed. Probably around the time I was called sand..and that you don't take sand to the beach. Ouch. Funny thing is, I am the beach. But yet, I continued to stay apart of this. It's fine. It's all fine. 

You see, my heart has this way of always constantly finding the good in people. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, even after I've been wronged. It's a very good quality, but also gets me into a lot of hurt. 

That final night with him was weird. I remember it vividly. I should have gone home. The words were exchanged, the anger was let out, but I don't remember crying. I just remember thinking how stupid I was for thinking anything was real. For thinking I could trust someone again. For actually letting a few walls down. I was cold. I was tired. I just wanted to press rewind and go back to October when things were what I thought good.

For the last week I have sat down time and time again to write and the words come out but they just aren't what I'm wanting to say. They aren't healing words. They came across with hurt and anger, and that's just not my heart. Not my intentions whatsoever. 

My readers, as you are reading this blog, please always keep in mind that not everyone around you is for you. Not everyone is someone you can trust. Not everyone has your best interest in mind. You deserve the goodness. You deserve someone who speaks good of you behind your back. Someone who gets excited when your name pops up on their phone. Someone who doesn't take your kindness, your good heart, and your niceness for granted. I deserve this too.

I'm not mad. I'm not angry. Sometimes I feel a tad of sadness when I see something that I want to send because I know the laughs that would be had over it. But I resist. If my name popping up on a phone is more of a "ugghhh" than it is a happy reaction, my name won't be popping up.

But what sucks most of all, is that now I am so afraid that when someone genuine does come along, that I won't be open to them. That I won't be brave enough to let walls down or to feel safe enough to trust. 

Because I felt safe with you. 

But you weren't there yet or I just wasn't it...and that is okay...but what isn't okay is the fact that you kept me around. You included me. You still had conversations with me that I thought were special. THAT is what's not okay. I hope the hurt that you still go round and round with from the past, you let God heal soon. And I hope that you find peace with yourself. I know the moment will come. That moment when something happens or you see something that instantly triggers your mind to me. I'm curious to know what emotions will run through you. But I'm not angry. I'm letting the hurt go. I think your heart is good...I know it is. I just hope that the next time, if there is a next time, that a good damn woman comes into your life, that you do everything you can to keep her...but only if you're ready, if not then let her go.

Forgiveness is one hell of a thing. 

So my friends, I am not only telling you this but I am also telling myself... if you're hurting, run to God. He is the only one who can fully heal you. He is the only one that can bring the comfort and feeling of belonging that we all yearn for. Take your time. Life is not a race. Let him fill every void and hole you are feeling until you are whole again. 

AND When you find yourself like me, sitting on those front steps with tears streaming as you sob because what and who you've come to care about aren't exactly what they were portrayed to be in your life..cry all you need to and then realize that a closed door is just another puzzle piece put into place by God. 

"Slow down, take time

Breathe in He said

He'd reveal what's to come

The thoughts in His mind

Always higher than mine

He'll reveal all to come

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He's in the waiting

He's in the waiting

And hold onto your hope

Watch your triumph unfold

He's never failing"

-Bethel, "Take Courage"