This isn't the blind leading the blind......

Sometimes I feel as though my every move is being watched under a microscope. I feel like I have to act a certain way and be a certain way. People have seen this scenario in my life many times in the recent years and it's almost like they are waiting for it to reply itself out..again.

It would be so easy for me to say "Let me prove them wrong!"..But really, I am not doing this to prove someone wrong or to show someone up. I am doing this for myself and because I KNOW that it is right.

Last night I posted a post over at Running & Dreaming...I am sure I have some folks angry at me about it. I was really paranoid at first about the reaction I would get from some. But once I reminded myself that my blog is for my thoughts and where I can write and be free, I kinda threw that care out of the window. Okay, I tried  to throw that care out of the window. (We all know it is hard for me to not care. I do not like hurting people and their feelings at all.)

Last night I went to a community group for young adults that my church has recently started up. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this. I love my parents church (The church I attend) but there is no one my age and there is no communion with people my age. So, it gets a little discouraging. So having this group is AWESOME! Anyways...we were talking about qualities of the Holy Spirit and it's "roles". The role that always sticks out to me the most is the guider, the role that directs me. Sometimes I feel absolutely completely lost. I look around and I do not know where I am at and which direction I need to go. I cry out to God and ask him to take this confusion and to wrap his arms around me. To comfort me and guide me along the path, because I cannot do it alone. I have had a lot of those moments here lately.

There are times that I get so bold and say things that are on my heart but then an hour later, I am wondering how that is effecting others. And then confusion tries to set in. Usually we think about how our words will affect others before we speak them. But in these moments of boldness it's almost like I am fearless. I am being honest about myself and my heart. I am letting people know what's up, instead of letting them try to figure out what's up.  I am not the one to play games and to lead others on. I want them to know things straightforward. That's how I like to know things. Straightforward and from the beginning.

On this path I am on, I am finding myself trying new ways to be bold and to take a stand. Not sure it it's the best....but I am trying. I don't want to live my life full of "what if's" and maybes. I don't want to live my life in the unknown holding back words that I wanted to say. I don't want to live my life constantly playing the guessing game or constantly getting let down. I want to be honest and I am guarding my heart. For the first time in my life, I am guarding my heart with everything I have. I don't want to be on a rollercoaster. I don't want to be hurt. I want God to mold me, and make me into the woman He plans for me to be. I want God to take complete control of my heart and help me grow into the wife I will one day be. I don't want to let the guard on my heart down.

Am I fearful? If I didn't stand on God's promises then yes, I would be fearful. I remind myself  many many times throughout the day that God's plan is bigger than mine. That He will NEVER lead me astray. This isn't "the blind leading the blind". This is The Almighty King. This is the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE. The one who put the stars in the sky. The One who knows every strand of hair on my head. The One who formed me. No this is not the blind leading the blind. This is GOD leading me.

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