I have never felt like I feel now. Not ever in my life.
I grew up as a military child, so changes were very common in my life. Nothing unusual. I always coped so well and did what needed to be done to adjust. I was always the one leaving. I never got attached to people or a place. Yes, I made friends and some of them still have place in my heart to this day (hey ashley Jump!). But I was always the one leaving. I never had to have anyone leave me.
In my life the past 3 months..well almost 4, I have had a lot of changes in my life. People coming and going, leaving, staying in my life for days or weeks at a time and then they were gone. Coming back when they felt bad, or lonely, or realized their actions weren't okay. I am a very forgiving person. I don't want to hold a grudge..ever. Life is such a beautiful thing. It's a journey. Walking this journey and holding grudges will take the beauty out of life. How can you see beauty when all that is in your heart is anger and hurt? You can't. It is hard.
Sometimes in life, things end without a reason, without an explanation given. You are left standing confused and unsure about the direction you're going. Remind yourself that life isn't fair and things happen. We learn what people are worth our time and what people didn't deserve our time. Who our friends are and who aren't our friends. Life has a funny way of making us realize things. Learn from it, let it go and trot on.
I think what is the most frustrating for me is that I've always done the leaving..so when people walk out of my life, it's hard to accept. Yes, it is my fault for forgiving and letting it happen all over again. BUT I can forgive, but I do not need to forget how that person made me feel with those actions. I am the person that has a reason behind decisions I make. I don't like to make rash decisions (I learned my lesson with those). I like to be levelheaded when it comes to making decisions and also looking at how it will affect others. So for people to just be careless it puzzles me. To say such words that seem genuine and then turn around and do something opposite of those words, I think that is what makes me the most upset.
All of this brings me to this...
I got to asking myself are there really genuine people out there? The answer...YES, THERE IS. I am learning to not trust so easily. Once I hit that level and I feel I can trust someone, that's a big deal. It is so hard these days to find people you can TRUST. I am afraid for my future. I am afraid for my trust. When someone you trust betrays you...it burns. It burns bad. Now when it comes to opening up to someone or trying to actually allow myself to have fun and be happy, I almost can't. All that's there is hesitance. Hesitant to open up. Hesitant to trust. This is where taking chances come into play. Here lately, I have been a HUGE chance taker. Never before would I. But the past few months or so, I am all about it. You never know what can come out of taking a chance. I am so unhappy with how situations in my life are going right now, that I am all about saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done to change those things. If that means taking a chance, then I am all for it.
But it's hard.
In the back of my mind I see the faces that hurt me. I see them walking away leaving me with no reason at all. I see me trusting them only to be burned.
I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of remembering those faces and memories all too well. At some point, you have to do what is good for YOU and let it go. Let it all go.
You will literally make yourself sick the more and more you think about it and let it run you down.
Good things happen. It's okay to take a chance and BE happy. It's okay to accept the fact that life is cruel but beautiful. It's okay to let it go- let the memories go, let the faces go.
Keep your hope. Keep your faith. Never let yourself give up.
Changes happen everyday and all around you. But remember, God loves you. He will never forsake you. He KEEPS His promises. He is the solid rock, on which YOU STAND.