This week I am leaving town for a bit. Not sure how long, but enough time to clear my mind and become refreshed. I plan on spending an abundance of time with my grandparents and family in Mississippi. Riding the jet skis daily, loving my job and working it with everything I have, and taking time to get to know me. Some days, I literally just cry all day long. This past month has been a roller coaster ride that I do not want to be on. "Friends" have proven themselves, true friends have been by my side, apologies have been given and made, and my heart is still spinning. So, I decided to write a little letter.
Boy who thinks he is God's gift to women-when I think about you and the feelings I have toward you, I really get mad. To play with someone's mind and heart like you did is not okay. I understand you're jaded. I understand you're hurting and healing. But what I refuse to try and understand is the fact that what you did is not ok. I'm so tired of people trying to justify it and make it ok...because its not. For your sake, I hope you put the bottle down.
Man who is what I've wanted but can't seem to grasp- you are too good. Everything I've wanted a man to be. And here you are. Patiently waiting for me to get myself together. I won't ask you to wait for me, but I will tell you thank you for sticking by me.
Not my future- at my lowest point you were there. At my lowest point you are still here. You will always have a piece of my heart. I want you to know that no matter what, no matter the words I say, I will be thankful for the time we spent together. I hope you find your happiness
Girl who wanted to be my friend but...- I wanted to trust you. I wanted to be your friend. I always look for the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that is something I need to work on stopping. But in you, I saw hurt. I saw frustration and i knew you needed a ear to listen. I know what it's like and I know how it is to need a friend. But at this point in time, I gotta walk on.
Girl who has been by my side since before I made a change- you are the definition of a true friend. You love and support me no matter what. No matter the decisions I make, you still have my back. Your words have impacted me more than you know, and I thank you for being that voice to speak. That person to not judge because you, yourself have been in the situations I am in. You are an amazing person.
People who would love to see me fall, or who love to play games/use me- None of you are worth my time. Not one of you. To take advantage of someone really takes a low person. Either you are so insecure with yourselves or you're just that cruel. Be the friend jumpers you are and conform to who you hang out with. My time will no longer be wasted with me worrying about you or thinking you are my "friends". You hang out with poison, you become poison. End of story.
My family- I know lately you don't even know me. My words and my actions have been anything but loving. But I am going through things that I don't share. I am working on myself and the person I want to be. Sometimes, I just need to be alone. I need no words to be said. I need no badgering being done. No arguing. I just need to work through this by myself. Your love and support is tremendous. And I am very thankful for you. I know I have it better than a lot of people and I know some people would do anything to have a family like this. I love you each very much and I thank you.
To anyone reading this, you may be thinking this is harsh at times, but this is real. This is real life.
This roller coaster ride is about to end. I am jumping off at the next stop. My future is a white clean slate and only God knows what will happen. But like I always say, I am trusting him. Through the hurt, through the confusion, through the tears and pain..I am trusting God. Nursing school starts in a little over a month and that is my main focus right now. I am starting a new beginning and I know in my heart that I can and WILL reach success.