In this moment of weakness....

In this moment of weakness, I am strong. In this moment of weakness with tears slowly rolling down my face, I will press on. I will not fear. I will not turn and run back. I will trust and believe that my God has a plan for my life. 

I'm the type of person to not care what others have to say about me. I've never really listened to other peoples opinions about myself or what they thought of me.  I know who I am in GOD and that's all that matters to me. But lately....

I've wondered if having a caring and compassionate heart is a bad thing? I trust easily. Maybe because I really love to see the best in everyone that I meet. I love giving people the beneift of the doubt. I love giving people a chance. But the last few times I have done any of that, it has backfired. It has knocked me down...hard. I've trusted, and been betrayed. I've laughed harder than I can remember, and then cried harder and longer that I ever have. I've been led on. I've been pushed around. I've been made a fool of. 
I'm being laughed at. I'm being talked about. I'm being belittled and degraded. My name is being ripped apart. But you want to know something?

I imagine Jesus. I imagine the nasty and ugly words that were said about him and to Him everyday. The trials and struggles He faced daily. The taunting. The betrayal. And the whole time this was happening to him, He kept his eyes fixed above. He knew His Father was in control. He knew God would not forsake him. Jesus knew that God, oh God was and is faithful. 

I don't care. Your words do not affect me. They have NO POWER of me, my life, my laughter, my happiness and my purpose. It's ashame you know. It's a shame that when people are so miserable and unhappy with their lives that they have to tear people with good hearts apart. I am sorry that you are so unhappy and insecure with yourself that you have to talk ugly about me. I am sorry. What I'm not sorry for is the fact that I did nothing wrong. I didn't. I don't think that standing up for yourself and for others is bad. I don't think that letting someone know that they are in the wrong is bad...especially if it is something has everything to do with me. And I am especially not sorry that every time you open your mouth and talk ugly and nasty about me....it says nothing about me..but instead it says EVERYTHING about YOU and YOUR CHARACTER. 

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

I know who I am in God. I know my worth. I know my value. I wish you could see your worth and your value in God's eyes. But your so lost that you can't. So conformed to the world and its ways, that you can't see your worth and your value. I see your heart. I see it hurting. I see you numbing the pain with alcohol. I see you trying to build up your masculinity by sleeping with different people every weekend. I see how you degrading others makes you feel satisfied. I see it. --- But all I can do is pray for you. Pray for you and be an example to you. An example of someone who was in a dark place. A place so dark that I didn't think the next day would ever come. But It did. My joy came in the morning. I turned to God and made it clear and made a decision that I would not be living a 2 path life anymore. I would no longer try to live a secular lifestyle and try to be a follower of The Kingdom.  I was either in, or I was out. 

I chose to be in. 
I pray that you choose to be in.

My heart is heavy. Changes are heavy. Changes are happening. I am learning to let go of the life I had planned for myself. The picture I had in my mind. I am learning to let go of it. And it's hard. Here I am, vulnerable, a state that I don't like being. Letting go of the plans I had for my life, learning patience and learning to be still and wait on God. This whole time, trusting others and making "friendships" that would only crash and burn because those people didn't see my worth. Those people didn't understand me. They didn't know how to handle my heart..they weren't chasing after God's heart and that is why they couldn't understand my heart. To them it was probably a "almost too good to be true"...and I only say that because I had no ill motives. I was honest, and trustworthy and I treated people right. I showed love to them when they felt they didn't deserve it. I always made sure to have a shoulder there for someone who needed it. That, that is why my heart is heavy. It doesn't feel good to be treated ugly. It's just, a man that isn't after God's heart, shouldn't be after my heart.

I am desperate to hear Jesus. I am desperate to hear His voice. Life is so overwhelming right now. Yes, it is amazing and I am SO BLESSED. I am just trying to stay strong. I want to run back. The temptation is so strong to give up . But I remind myself that God is with me. He is next to me. He is holding me. Guiding me. And turning back would do nothing for me. 

 "I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours"

Friends, in your moments of weakness, just hold on. Press forward. Let your tears fall. Yell as loud as you can. Cry as hard as you can. Just don't give up. It's not easy. It's not easy at all. We all hurt, we all have pain. I understand.

As I press forward and as you press forward--(because I KNOW you will!) - 

I will leave you with this:

I honestly believe that these moments of weakness, right here, right now- they define us. 

Just hang on. God KNOWS what He is doing.

 "Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful"

So-- smile, and enjoy every second of this beautiful blessing of a journey. Forget what others say about you...and smile..Y O U have a God that LOVES YOU!!!

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