*** Y'all all know how much I love to write. It's like the words are an escape. I think that is why I love music so much. Here within the past 2 weeks, I have a song on repeat in my mind. Walking, driving, running, sitting in class, laying in bed at night it's on repeat in my mind. I can be out with friends and let a laugh out or a smile, and at the same time I hear this song in my head. Taylor Swift's "Begin Again". It's just so relevant to my life and my thoughts. I don't believe in love at this point. Cynical? Maybe. Jaded? Most likely.
**okay this post bounces everywhere. Bare with me. It's "just gotta get it all out so I can focus on studying" kinda post. Just my thoughts- for you to see.
Sitting here on my bed, with my Nursing books everywhere, highlighters and sticky notes and pens scattered around. Gungor playing on the iPad. And a cashmere sandalwood candle burning. This is life. This is real life. Ever since May, this is what I have been waiting to do.
Yes, I am super stressed out. Probably the most stressed I have ever been in my life, honestly. I am taking 6 classes and 4 of them are Nursing classing--the other 2 is A&P2 that I wanted to retake. But it's not "bad" stress. It's stress to succeed. To prove to myself that I can and I will make myself happy and that I can reach my goals and go further. It's about proving this all to myself. Not to others...but to myself. For so long I had a picture in my mind of what my life would be like. The life that he and I would have..together. I was so focused on that relationship that I never really figured out how to complete myself and make myself happy before trying to make a happy relationship. I stress how important this is to do. To know yourself the best you can, and to make yourself the happiest that you can...before you get into a relationship.
Honestly, I am proud of myself. I will say it. I am very proud of myself. I turned my "can't" into "CAN" and I ran with it. I didn't stop and I still haven't stopped.
But today, today my heart is weary. My heart is heavy.
I don't really have an exact reason why to give.
I just have a lot running through my mind. With coming and goin of others, and doors opening and closing, ugly words being said to me, or about me. (Which, by the way, every time my name comes out of their mouth, it says nothing about me...but instead it DOES say EVERYTHING about that person and their character...just thought I would throw that in there.)
It really doesn't bother me, it's just that there is no reason for lying or ugliness.
It's just so frustrating for me. Very frustrating. I remind myself though, that God will bless me for obeying Him. It's all a matter of patience, faith and God's timing. I remind myself that it's HIS plan..not mine.
I'm very bad about trusting too easily...and letting people back in. No matter how many times this person has burned me, I continually let this specific person back in. It's almost like a game. It's almost like I just cannot let go of the hope that maybe, just maybe this person has seen the light. When will this stop? Will it ever stop?
Friends have proved who they are lately and especially who they aren't. Ones that I thought were true, aren't. And the ones I was never fully sure about, are. Kinda funny how that works out.
I have been learning that importance of just saying it. Saying whatever I need to say and then moving on. Getting it out and not regretting it later because I kept it in.
I am done pleasing others. Done with it. It is time to do me. It is time to continue making myself happy.