I have a really bad habit.
I have a bad habit of pushing people away. Pushing them out of my life. When they make me mad, when they don't meet my standards or expectations. I find some reason and push them away.
Is it because my whole life I learned not to get close to anyone because I knew in 2-4 years I would never see them again? (I was an Air Force child) Or is it because I just am so selfish and self centered that my heart is cold and filled with hatred?
I'm gonna go with the first choice.
99.9% of the time I live in a made up land. I live in "Megan Land" where it's my way or no way. I live in the fairytales. I expect Prince Charming to just ride up on his horse and scoop me up and we ride off in the sunset together. When in reality, it's always been that my prince charming swept me up in the ambulance and took me to the ER. That was my fairytale.
That is my fairytale. For 6 months I have been barely living and fighting myself. I haven't been able to handle life. I have been trying to prove a point to myself. What is this point? The point is simple--or complex...whichever you choose to think.. I am stubborn. I have been with someone since I was 17 years old. I never knew if that was it or what. I was tired. I was lost. I was confused. I needed to find myself.
And well....you readers who were here this summer.. you know I found myself. I found myself on the bottom. I found myself on the cold floor with nothing but sadness and tears and hurt and pain. I had myself surrounded with liars, and cheats and people that tried so hard to pull me down and make me see myself in such a lowly way. I thank God everyday that I am away from that..that HE brought me out of that. I have been miserable. I have been persuading myself. I have been pep talking myself daily that there is so much more. I figured if I lied to myself, then I would start to believe it and live it.
But when your heart loves someone, you can't fight it. You can only hope and pray that their heart loves you back.
Decisions that we make today, they affect the rest of our lives. I could make the decision to continue on, and eventually not be as miserable. Become a Nurse Practitioner and move to NYC...have my Falls, and scarves and the hustle and bustle. Be the cat lady. Not believe in love. And be alone. Alone. --something I thought I would be used to by now, because I am selfish. I am stubborn. I don't forgive. I want it on my time, my way.
I could finally make myself stop fighting itself. Stop trying to prove something when the only thing that there is to prove is that, you can't fight what your heart feels. I can prove that true love does exist. I can prove that we make our own fairytale.
Love is not easy. Relationships are not easy. But when two people love each other and want to make it-- they can. They will.
I am not saying anything by this post. I am sharing my heart. You may be like me....like we have something to prove to the world and to ourselves...but really...we have nothing to prove. We are stubborn. All we have to prove is that love does conquer all.
All I am saying is that you can't expect life to be like movies. You can't expect to be happy, when you are going against everything your heart and mind is telling you to do.