I'm sitting here on my bed...book wide open, note cards scattered around, my favorite green highlighter and the most perfect fine tip pink felt pen around. Candle burning and I hear the soothing sound of "I Will be Still" by Young Oceans coming from my iPhone.
But something is off...something just doesn't feel right.
But I can't pick exactly what it is. I've been sitting here since about 4:00pm trying to study and haven't gotten one thing done. Not one. It's just like my mind can't stay still. It just won't let me concentrate. I am struggling..bad.
Yesterday, it really seemed as if everything around me was crashing down. It's like I was just standing there and everything was just spinning and I watched it all hit the ground. I watched the truth come out and then the obstacle hit it...and knocked it down. I got in my car and cried for almost 2 hours. Just sitting there crying.
As much as I want to ask God "why"...I don't. I am not going to question Him.
I know this is a trial. I know that something is going to come out of this. What exactly? Well, I don't know. But at moments, I literally feel like I just am numb. Numb is actually a really good word to describe it. It's like I am numb to the obstacles. I push them in the back of mind and just think about crushing them. About overcoming them. But I don't. Instead, they sit there...and I do nothing. I do nothing about them.
You see, there comes a point when you are just so tired. So worn out. So restless. You've worked so hard and then nothing happens. So you work even harder and still, nothing happens. That's where I became numb.
But I don't quit. I don't quit because I know this is what God has called me to do. The burning passion that I have for it...I won't back down. I won't quit.
In the world today, it is so hard to just sit. To sit and be still. All you wanna do is just jump and fix things and try to figure out why it's happening and how you can stop it. But that's not what God is asking of me. No, that's not what He is asking at all. He's asking me to sit, to be still. To KNOW that He is God. He's asking me to just put my faith in Him. Not a bit of my faith, but all of my faith. I know this isn't the last trial I will walk through, or the last time I will ever hit obstacles. No, I will see that plenty more in this life. But God is just asking to hold my hand. My hand. Me? I'm just little ole Megan...who loves to sleep and eat and write and sing praises to my Lord. I'm messy and unorganized and I procrastinate. I don't even really know what I am doing half the time. And some days I don't do my devotion every day. But yet, I am flawless. I am wonderful. I am loved. I am chosen.
I am C h o s e n .
YOU are C h o s e n .
God chose me for this. God chose me for this walk that He has placed me on. Specifically designed for me. God is wanting me to depend solely on Him. Until I do that, I think that I won't be progressing anywhere. God needs me to do that. I haven't a clue what my future holds. I don't even know what tomorrow holds or even an hour from now. But I know, oh I know, that whatever an hour from now holds, or even what tomorrow holds, I know, that whatever the future may hold...I will HAVE to depend solely on God. Man will fail me. This world will fail me. But God, He will never fail me. He is my rock. My cornerstone.
I know that this is all happening for a reason.
"Forever my Refuge
Forever my Strength
Forever my Helper
Forever my Friend
I will be still I will be still
And know You are God"