love is not lost..

This past week or two I have been so obsessed with a song. 
You know how there's always that one song and it just seems like it's saying all the words that you've wanted to say, but you just never knew how?

Yeah. That's it for me. 

"Say Something" by A Great Big World has constantly been on repeat. It's now my ringtone. And constantly on play on my iTunes list. I sing my little heart out to this song. I've cried to this song. And I had the moment of taking a deep breath and letting it all go, to this song. But today, today this song rocked and moved me in a way that I wasn't expecting. 

There was a certain night in October that I felt something I had never felt before.. But this night, this night that all of my courage got thrown in my face---it broke. But as days went by, I realized things. I realized I've always been the one in that relationship to try to make things work. I've always been the one in the relationship who literally worked my tail off for it to work. But all the while he stood there, not giving a dern. Not even thinking about it. Of course, I finally realized and left. But the moment I decided 100% to work it out, I was true and honest. I remember time after time after time in the past years or months leading up to the end, I would just beg him to say something. To tell me to stop as I was walking out. Or to just grab me and hug me or kiss me while I was going on and on about something that was needed from him. But never once. Never once did he ask me to stop as I was walking out. Never once did he just grab me or kiss me and try to calm my fear. Never once. Never once did he ever actually make me feel secure about us. 7 years and not once. 

 And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

You see, this song has brought on so many emotions. Words that I just want to get out. Words that I 
 will never say to him because nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever open his eyes. Breaks my heart.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

 Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

This song also makes me see that the past 7 months, I have been learning to love.
 I have been learning to love and accept who I am. Who I am in Jesus Christ. That has been the best experience of my life. I am learning to love others, even when they are so hard to love. I am learning to love those that say terrible things about me, learning to love those that don't believe in me.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Remember...love is not lost. Love is pursuing you each and every second of the day. God is love. Let Love In.

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