There are days and there are moments that I wish I could go back and erase. That I wish I could take back.
Here lately my emotions have been all over the place. Changes are happening in my life right now and they are some big changes. My sister just moved to Mississippi for college. Someone I have grown to care for leaves in a week or so. And a sweet friend has moved off. To say I feel alone..well I know that wouldn't be fair to say. I have my parents, I have my animals....I have...fellow classmates?
You see, I dreaded these upcoming days of my sister moving and people leaving. I dreaded them and I missed out. I missed out on moments that I could have kept with me forever. I'm not regretting.. I am just realizing. All this realization brings so many emotions. It's gotten to the point where I work and try so hard to push these people away. I mean they're just leaving anyways. So I might as well get an early start on being without them. Seriously y'all...this is what my thinking has come to. It's sad. It's ridiculous. Why don't I just snap out of it?
Is it because I would rather dwell and be miserable than spend my last few days having an amazing time and making memories? Am I jaded? Am I stupid? Because I am really starting to think that I am crazy.
It breaks my heart to stand back and watch myself push people away. To close out people because I'd rather not feel anything at all. Because I've been so hurt, and by the small age of 24, I've already non verbally said that I am staying away from love and from feelings. I am staying away from caring about another human being in a way that would make me attached to him. To miss this person. To feel love and excitement. To feel my heart break in a way that it's never felt.
Why? Why is it like this?
All I know is that I am tired of it. It makes me so mad to think about how "women" and "men" play games these days. Can't we just be genuine? What happened to truth and honesty? What happened to genuinely pursing only ONE person and seeing if there is anything that could bloom from it? What happened to the days when there wasn't snapchat and facebook messaging? To see a girl casually but quickly pop up on his snapchat top friends list. Or to look over and see a Facebook message from a guy on her phone. Why can't we just be honest people? Why can't we each just take a step back and reevaluate. At the rate this generation is going everyone is going to be on Tinder still. Sitting next to the girl or guy you claim to care for, but yet you're swiping left or right..whichever stupid way you swipe to say yes.
Seriously..this fires me up.
It's sad when you leave the room and your first thought while leaving the room is that he is about to snap another girl or that she is about to text some other guy. Why? Why are we like this today?
I can tell you why..but I don't know if y'all are ready for it....so, here goes.
LAZINESS. We are all so lazy. SO LAZY. What happened to genuine dating? These days everyone is just looking for that next yes. The next yes to get in the bed together and then say "see ya around." The world today is crap.
So after all of this rant...I am going to say this.
This next week, I am going to soak in every minute. I am going to make memories. I will love, I will laugh and I will remember that our time here is short. Instead of letting the past hurt get to me and scare me out of something amazing, I will look this right in the eye and walk on. Not everyone is the same.
Girls, not every guy is going to be like the last scumbag you dated. There are honest and genuine guys are there. And Guys, not every girl is going to sleep with you. Not every girl is on the prowl looking for her next bed to lay in. There are genuine girls who respect themselves out there. Who are just praying that a genuine guy is brought into their life.
So to the two that have left and the one that is leaving, I cherish you each. I am sorry for letting this world and this society scare me. I am sorry for all the crazy girl emotions that I have been feeling. But I am not sorry for all the smiles and the laughs and the moments that seemed so small, but yet seem to take up so much space in my heart. I am not sorry for the time we have spent together and I am surely not sorry for the way I care for each of you.
So take my advice, as I am talking it myself...it's NOW OR NEVER.
Are you going to sit the bench and miss out on what could possibly be the most amazing thing? Or are you going to get out there and live like you've never lived before?
I am choosing to get out there and live like I have never lived before.