I've sat in this spot so many times in the past week. Trying so desperately to write and get my emotions out. I couldn't. But tonight, tonight I am ready.
A lot has happened in the past oh, three weeks.
Instead of having joy and reminding myself that God has a far greater plan for my life, I've been miserable. We will get to that in a few minutes.
I just need to say these next few things. I have felt so discouraged. So alone. So empty. So broken. Literally, my heart has been feeling nothing but brokenness. I wake up, I somehow get through the day, and I go to bed. In all the in-between time, I was either crying, checking snapchat scores, or doing both at the same time. I was questioning myself. I was questioning God. I was ignoring things. I was putting things off. I was shutting people out. I didn't care what anyone said. I was broken. I was full of sadness.
In the midst of all of that, I seem to have forgotten my identity. I forgot Jesus. I forgot what He did for me on that cross. I ignored it. I felt like there was a huge wall and my prayers were being blocked from reaching God. I felt like God wasn't with me. That He had other things to tend to...more important things. You guys, I've been in some deep dark lonely times. I've shared them on here. But this. This beat that. It was like I got so caught up in the darkness. I let the enemy influence my thoughts, my actions, my emotions. He made me think I was unworthy. He made me think that I clearly wasn't good enough.
I have been literally physically and mentally exhausted since last Tuesday. I have made myself sick. I have stressed myself out more than anyone ever should. I have thought, processed, over thought, over-processed so many things that my brain hates me. I was letting my idea and worldly desires rule me. I was letting emotions have full reign and it was a downward spiral.
Tonight, I sat in my car drinking my Dunkin donuts coffee, contemplating if I was going to go into this small group meeting. I missed the first meeting last week, and I just wasn't sure if I wanted to face God's presence tonight. Better yet, if I was worthy of being in God's presence. After some encouragement from Nichole, I decided to go in. Let me tell you, I am so glad that I did. The topic of the night was struggles. Perfect. After the "elephant on my chest" feeling faded, I realized that I am not alone in these struggles. But I have been embarrassed of these struggles.......
Constantly checking snapchat to see if snap scores have gone up, constantly checking Instagram, checking to see if I have any new texts. Seriously...I literally have thought I am going crazy. I felt crazy. Like this isn't normal character of Me. This isn't normal character of, Megan.
I left feeling a bit better and excited for next week's meeting. Once I got home I got to pinning away on Pinterest and thought about a blog I have been meaning to read. Well, I am so glad I did. It is so nice to know other people are feeling, thinking, and struggling with what I am. I'm not alone. In fact, I was never alone. God has been with me. Waving his hands wildly in front of my face just trying to get my attention. But I didn't choose to see Him. Instead I chose to dwell, and imagine the worst case scenarios.
I watched this video.
Then I watched it again.
It comforted me. I felt my heart racing and tears forming in my eyes. I felt like I had been screaming for someone to understand and finally, finally someone heard.
God is my strength. He is my hope. He has and is exactly what I need. It's time that I take advice of my mother, and my close friends and I trust the process. It's time that I finally yield and let God have His way. It's time that I stop making myself miserable.
Because, what is broken, God fixes. What is lost, God restores.
I refuse to let the enemy get into my mind and encourage me to dwell on these changes that have occurred in my life. I refuse to let him have any sway over my life. So friends, it's time you let go. Let go of your shame. Let go of your hurt. Let go of your fear. You're not crazy. You're not alone.
You're exactly where you need to be for God to meet you and mold you.