Fade

It's said that people come into our lives for a reason. That each person has a meaning to our life. They may stay forever or they may stay for a short time. But to be thankful for that time. 

I'm trying to lift my thankfulness up high. I am trying to lift it higher than the sadness that fills my heart. For the most part, I can do that. But that only lasts so long. I struggle with it. I honestly do. I remember the hugs, the laughs, the eye contact and faces made when we were silently speaking to one another. The forehead kisses, and the way we understood one another. That person became my best friend through the months.

But what I'm not okay with, what I am not quite sure about. Was it ever real? Were there really feelings there on both sides? Were the words said genuine? It makes me so mad that I am here doubting each and every one of those things. That's what I didn't want..I didn't want to be left doubting. I know every word I said was genuine.  
But I am learning that other people aren't as genuine.

They say that silence is usually the best answer. But silence has never been something that I have been known for. I'm an emotional person. I am a smart woman. I know who I am, and I know what I deserve. I reuse to give up on love. I refuse to let anger have it's way with my thoughts and my emotions. My heart may be weary right now, but I know I will be just fine. More than fine.

I sometimes sit and just try to figure out why me? Why was I the girl you chose? Why was I the girl that was left feeling this way? But, I could sit and think that until the end of time and I would never have the answer. So, I quit asking it. I quit trying to figure it out. I decided to let what was, let it be. Just let it be. To trust that God is working and moving in ways that I don't see right now. Preparing my heart. He's preparing your heart too.

The thing is, I am not afraid. I am not afraid to hold words back. I am not afraid to hold emotions back. It's extremely easy for me to walk away from anything and anyone who I feel makes me feel anything less that what I should. My decision making skills have surely progressed and I don't hesitate. 

So, dear boy, if you're reading this...which I don't know if you are..or if you have ever...but thank you. Thank you for not trying. For not trying to keep me around or to chase after me. But for me to finally see what you wanted...something that wasn't me.
(your loss.)
 Thank you for adding a scratch to my heart. Thank you for doing something that has made me have to find my strength again. To remind myself where my strength comes from. Your part in my life was significant. Almost like I was learning what it was like to let go and let God handle things. To just let life do what it does. To chase my dream. To make decisions without caring what others thought.You encouraged me and supported me. Thank you, for the time we had together. It was the most joy I have ever had. I pray that I impacted your life in someway. This woman right here has a heart. A heart full of love to give. A woman who respects herself..and others. A woman who doesn't need a man to know who she is or to feel complete. She completes herself. A woman who talks about taking chances and decided to take one and open up to you. A woman who would have jumped oceans for you, just to see you smile...because that what she does for people she cares about. A woman who is hurt, but will stand tall and keep walking. A woman who will love one day. No more hard feelings, no more anger sitting there. It's all gone. I'm not really sure what my purpose was in your life, but I pray I did what needed to be done
. 
So, when the truth finally came out, which we all know that actions speak louder than words, I was able to take that truth and realize that I deserve someone who will treat me and care for me the way that God has intended for a man to do. Your part is over in my story and I am a-okay with that. 

So now I am Just remembering good memories and hoping for the best for you.

The sun will rise and it will be a new day.