A reason to sing...

Recently, I've been writing a lot about things that I've been dealing with and battling daily. Each day gets a bit better than the day before. I am seeing that beauty in fact does come from broken things. That things must end so that greater things can begin. Now don't misunderstand me..I am still struggling daily. But I am choosing to look for joy. 

There's a song I have had on repeat for awhile now. Today while driving home from class, this song came on and I automatically put it on repeat. It wasn't sunny outside. It was kinda gloomy. It was about 4:30, and traffic was starting to build. I listened to the words. My heart sang the words. As I was driving I held my hand out the window and just let the air run through my fingers and around my hand. I glanced over and saw my wrist. Let God. I read the words again that are printed so beautifully on my wrist. And then behind those words I then saw my face in the side mirror in-front of my hand. As I looked at my reflection, I saw so much. I saw a young woman. With so much joy that I could see the pain. I could see the sadness that she was fighting. Trying her hardest to choose joy. I focused back onto the road and the words of the song were echoing in my mind..

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don't feel you anymore
No I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing

 The song wasn't even over yet and I started it over. This time, I focused on the words and let them sink so deep into my heart. I was thinking about the past month. How sad I have been. How the ones I confided in are still here. Still for me. I realized that it's okay for good things to end. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss someone. It is okay. I saw myself in my mind and how strong I have become in the past 4 weeks. Learning to keep myself company. Figuring out how to keep myself busy. Understanding what it means to still love those people, even after they've hurt you. 

When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go

It was in this moment that I realized that I have to let go. I have to let go of people and of things. I have to let go of moments. I have to stop trying to live in the past...the past is no longer here. The past is miles and miles away. I know what my reason to sing is. I know who my reason to sing is. 

Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now

 I have finally found the good in this. I have finally opened my heart and my eyes to God and to trust His plan. All the times that I felt I was forgetting how to breathe. The times that I literally thought I was feeling my heart break. The times that I would cry and not be able to

stop. The nights I would lay in bed and replay every single day and every single word.  

The nights I would cry out to God and ask where He was in all of this? Why had He abandoned me? Why did He leave me? Didn't He know how weak I am? I am seeing that He was there all along. Waiting for me. Crying with me. 

I have found beauty in this broken mess.

 In this imperfection, I have found perfection. 

That my friends, is my reason to sing.

*** song is A Reason to Sing by All Sons & Daughters