I came across an article earlier on Facebook and of course I shared it. It was about going from being in a relationship and best friends to being strangers.
A feeling I know all too well.
A feeling I am sure you know all too well.
I've done a lot of soul searching in the last 10 weeks. A lot. Too many tears to even try to count. Many nights of just laying in bed and being so tired but not being able to sleep. Many nights of crying myself to sleep. And as usual, many nights of playing and replaying conversations and scenarios over and over and over again in my mind. Just wondering what I could have done or said differently.
I tried to let go. I really did. I tried so so super hard. But it wasn't happening. I tried to smile. I tried to be happy...but it just wasn't happening. Arguments with my parents and some friends because "I should just be happy"...yeah it's not that easy guys. Especially for someone who battles depression. Can't just flip that switch to "happy mode". (I know they didn't understand and I was still thankful that they cared..even if they didn't understand.)
But, I have finally accepted some things and am still learning to let go...to make myself let go. In order to take my next step, I have to do this. So, here goes nothing.
I wasn't too sure how to feel or what to think when we first met. Smitten, I was. But willing to trust, I wasn't. I soon found out as the weeks went by that trust was something I could have with you. You were genuine. You were sincere. But still after seeing that, even after I still struggled with it. I wasted so much time. I wasted so much time by worrying and fretting and not fully living in the moment. I am sorry for that.
Many many nights I sat and watched you. Nervous for you. Stressing for you. Cheering for you. I can still remember the way my heart felt the first time I had the courage to look over at the dugout and you just happened to be looking up at me. I think I was doing cartwheels and back flips in my mind. (Obviously in the mind...we both know I can't do a back flip.) When you were hurting, I was hurting. I know you're tough and you tried to be extra tough...even when I would ask if my head on you was hurting and you'd say no. I knew it was. I wanted to be able to just wave a magic wand and make you 100% good and ready to go. But I couldn't. So I encouraged you in any way I could. I vented to you. You vented to me. I told you things that I didn't really expect to tell you. You encouraged me and believed in me. You were there and ready to listen. Many changes were happening in life and I was away for a bit experiencing something so rewarding but something that was breaking me. You supported me. You supported my decision. Thank you.
But what I didn't like was things that held me back. The thought of you leaving. The thought of you leaving and us never speaking again. (ha which obviously, that's the case.) I held myself back because I was scared. I was afraid. I didn't know how to be apart of something that scared me. This then brought on the thoughts of if you really did care for me. If you really did want me happy, like you said very often. Was it real? Or was I just imagining something up in my little la la land of me?
The answer to that, I still don't have. The way you slowly but so quickly backed off all at once after you left, that leaves me believing that I really didn't mean anything to you. That I was just convenient for the time being. Silly girl. Silly silly girl. But then the part of me that knows you. That knows your emotions, and the meanings behind your words. The me that knows what a facial expression means in a second. The me that knows your heart is good and still cares for me. That gives me an answer that I wish was the truth. You did care, you DO care.
I'm not going to lie..I feel pretty dumb right now for writing this out. Not sure if you're reading this or not. But if you are, don't think I am a silly girl or that I am dumb. I am just healing. I am trying to erase you from my heart and from my memory. Trying to shake the sound of your voice that I can still hear. Trying to shake the feel of your kisses on my forehead. Trying to shake the feeling I had every-time we made eye contact. I don't want it in my life anymore. I don't want to think about it. Any of it. I don't want to think about you.
That's not because of anger or resentment. It's just because...because I need to let myself let go. You're moving on and I am standing still. I am that silly girl that writes out her emotions...more than once..we both know.
Believe it or not..everyone sticks up for you. My momma, my dad, even N (she always has). Heck even my sister. I try so hard to make it seem like you did me so wrong. But in reality, they are right. You and I never discussed anything for what would happen. I guess I got what I deserved? How could I have been so blind?
As I try to finish this, I find myself with a quivering lip and a tsunami of tears being held back. I can't cry over this anymore. I can't let this have any say or effect on my life anymore. I can't live life on pause.
The way I see it, is that I was a convenience. Maybe you were scared because you knew there was ability to be more? I don't know. I do know that I'm done making myself miserable. I am done trying to figure you out. It's sad how easy it is for you. I can't waste my time on someone who went from caring to not caring. Clearly, I shouldn't care...right?
But I tell myself that if you wanted to be apart of my life, you would be.
But just know, I wouldn't trade any moment we had together for anything in the world. Every word I said, I meant. Every kiss we shared, I put my heart there. And no matter where you are, I will always always be your fan.
I wish you the very best. A life full of happiness and success.
But just to let you know...I have a feeling this won't be the last you see of me. Someday, somewhere we will meet again.
But for now,
I have to let you go.
a healing heart.