Feels like it's been awhile since I've posted. It has been. So many times I would sit down and just have the yearning to write and say so much but then nothing would come out. I think I'm ready though. So....
I sit here on my bed, so comfy and so cozy. "Steady Heart" streaming from my iPad. And millions of words scribbled onto the pages of my favorite little notebook. There are moments in the day were I literally have to whisper to myself, be still. Be still my anxious heart. God's plan, His timing.
I feel my life slowly getting back to normal. I'm not silently suffocating or gasping for air. I'm not just walking around numb and waiting to feel something. The numbness has worn off and the sting isn't as painful. I've come to terms with the fact that this is God's plan for my life. I know, that doesn't sound too thrilled, does it? Don't let the text fool you. I am thankful for God's plan for my life. These struggles have strategically been placed. When my heart was hurting. when the tears were rolling down my cheeks, He wiped them. When I would cry and scream at God because of the hurt my heart felt. Hurt. Confusion. How could these be from you God? How can you make your child feel this way? The whole time these thoughts were happening and these words were being thrown at Him, He was wrapping His arms around me like a mother does to her child. All the while saying "hush child. It is okay. It's going to make sense one day. This pain is not without purpose. This weakness is not without strength. I know it hurts. I know the pain you are feeling. Let me help you my child. Come to me."
While God was whispering that, I was running. Then stopping. Then trying to run. Then stopping and taking three steps back towards God. I can't say that I was fully trusting God. I was trusting Him, but at the same time I was wanting to do this on my own. I was angry at God. So angry. I talked to God in a way I shouldn't have. I wanted nothing to do with His plan. But yet every Sunday in worship I was in tears because I was so broken. So broken. But I didn't want to turn to Him. I didn't want to walk the path of hurt and confusion anymore. I felt done. I was done. I gave up.
Let me make this clear before I go any further...there are some folks who believe that this all came about from a relationship. It in fact, did not. This came from me choosing to live a life that I knew was going to hurt me in the end. That I knew was not going to be good. And it definitely wasn't going to end how I wanted it to end...which in that case it wouldn't have ended at all. I was holding so tightly onto something that had no place in my life. That's why.
This came from me not loving myself. From being so damn hard on myself. So critical of myself.
But I am so thankful for God's grace. For His forgiveness. My words and my actions towards Him were so hurtful and hateful. I am angry with myself now. Why couldn't I have just trusted God? Why did I have to run? But why did God continue to pursue me and to love me? Why
did do I deserve that?
The devil loves the fact that I am angry with myself and that I ask these questions. Satan wants me to believe that I don't deserve God's love. That I am a terrible, heartless and unloved person. He wants me to think that God didn't forgive me...Even though God did forgive me when I asked Him to. Satan loves that I am hard on myself. That I am so critical of myself.
But it's got to stop. The time has come for me to put an end to being so hard on myself. It's time to stop over analyzing every single detail about myself and tearing myself down. It's time to start loving myself. Telling myself how beautiful and wonderful I really am. How special and unique I am. How delicate and whole I am.
I have seen the power of a negative mind. I have experienced the damage that negativity causes. The power of a positive mind is so intense. It literally changes everything. When the negative thoughts creep in and you start beating yourself up because of what you're not, switch that light switch and turn the positive thoughts on. Remind yourself of what God says you are.
I honestly believe that that past 3 months could have been totally different if I would have just stayed positive. If I wouldn't have looked for the negative in each circumstance and had only focused on looking for God in each circumstance, I have a feeling that dealing with my hurt and confusion would have been a totally different ball game.
Don't let your circumstances change you. Ask God what He wants you to find in each circumstance. We are weak, I know. And it is so hard.
Don't fear your weakness. It's preparing the slate for God to perform brilliantly.
Let God be God.