You know those days, the days where things are going okay and you're feeling good? But then out of nowhere, something hits you and it rocks your world? And not a good world rocker. It's one that completely and totally shatters you. Where it breaks apart every hope you have. Where it makes you question what is going on.
I stand with so many questions
But you know all of the answers
And whether this side of Heaven
I know that You are the healer
|Photo Credits: Sarah McCallister|
Today, that happened. I was at the ballgame, perfectly content and so happy to be watching ball and enjoying the weather. (It's been close to perfect here.) My phone died and I was actually relieved. So when I got in the car and plugged it in-- a flood of texts came through, But one in particular stuck out. I read it. And I think I stopped breathing. My heart raced and I just felt the tears streaming. After a solid 3 hours of confusion and crying and a hot bath with a glass of wine, here I sit. Curled up on my bed with some music on. My head throbbing. My heart aching. My mind and my spirit just trying to figure out what God is doing right now.
I'll be honest, I'm so confused. I am still trying to heal and honestly not much progress has been made. When I start to feel good and hopeful, somehow I end up back at step 1.
I feel so weak and so broken. And with what I found out today, I'm trying to figure out how in the world God is expecting me to heal. In a short few weeks, I am going to be faced with a situation that I honestly wasn't expecting in a million years. It's crucial that I make sure to find my strength in God. He makes me brave.
And my heart will stay steadfast
I know that You are good
I basically have two options.
1. Continue to stress and stress and stress..which will do nothing but tear me apart.
2. Let God be God. Let Him do what He does.
I feel like I am just on a merry go round right now. Always coming back around to this. But tonight, I am over it. I am over this.. can you relate? Your heart is just so exhausted. So done with feeling broken and hopeless. Searching for more. Knowing God has so much more for you to do and a life that doesn't involve walking around day to day just trying to smile. Just trying to get through the day.
Life is so unpredictable. It's so scary. It's confusing. But life is good. It's exciting. It's worth it. Life is so worth it you guys. Just know that whatever battle you are facing and whatever is rocking your world in a not good way, that God is here.
Comforter You are to me
Shelter from the cold
Constant how you carry me
Never letting go
You are with me
One of my best friends on the phone tonight- as I was sobbing and trying to catch my breath, she said "meg, I don't know what's going to happen for you in the next few weeks/months. I have no idea. But what I do know is that you won't be going through this alone." That hit me. It's easy to forget and to just automatically think we are going to be walking through this battle alone. But we aren't. The Lord will go before us. He will steady us. He will fight for you.
So, I gave myself tonight to cry and get out all my emotions and feelings. The anger I was feeling. The anxiety. The fear. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and go about my day. Two/Three weeks from now when this happens, I will do the same. I'll go about my day and I will remember that God has this. He knows who belongs in my life and who doesn't. He knows my heart and how much pain it's been carrying. This is either going to make me stronger, or make me see why things have gone how they have the last 7 months. I am thinking it'll be both.
Your voice holds me together
When I feel like I'm falling apart
I place my world in Your hands
You come and steady my heart
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit." - Ps. 34:18