Finally. Finally, someone saw into the depths of my soul and understood me.
I am so so thankful for friendship. Especially a friendship that is full of God's love.
I can still hear the words I was saying as my voice cracked and I was fighting the tears last night. It's not about him anymore, Kelly. It's not about moving on-I'm past that. It's about my soul and how broken and weak it feels. How it aches and longs to be whole.
I stood there in the parking garage, saying these words as K and I were ending girl's night and going our separate ways. I kept thinking to myself ,"Ugh I have been great all week. Things have been looking up. Why the tears now"
Immediately K made me get in the car and we sat and talked for what seemed like hours when really it was maybe an hour. She asked questions, I gave answers. Earlier at dinner we had talked about how Satan sees our weaknesses and he does whatever he can to grab hold of those weakness and use them against you. To pull you further from God's plan. It made total sense. Complete and total sense. I've always known and thought this but honestly, I've never really experienced it to the extent that I am experiencing it right now. It's crazy you guys. Hour after hour after hour every single day, satan is pulling hard. He is pouring salt in wounds that have been healing.
For months I have been trying to be so strong and make myself okay. For example: I park in the parking deck downtown. Always. During baseball season, during offseason. But this parking garage holds a meaning to me now. So to be "strong" I've continued parking there just to make myself see that I can be okay. But really, each time the night winds down and I head to the car in the deck- I feel so worn down and my spirit just aches. That's usually when the tears come. K made a good point that as silly as it sounds, the parking deck is a weakness for me. It's an open door and a way for satan to make a move... to remind me and make me believe that I'm not strong. That God is punishing me. That I'm not worthy of being loved by anyone. You guys this is real. And it's SCARY. I'm not going to lie. Not going to sugar coat. It is scary. But that's what is expected from satan. Lies. Deceit. Hurt. Pain. Condemnation. Nothing and I mean nothing that God is apart of. Ever.
I'm so thankful that God brought K into my life in the past year. She's listened to me cry my heart out. She's watched me at my weakest. She knows that it's not about a silly boy anymore. She understands and knows that Spiritual warfare is so real. And up until yesterday, I didn't even think about it. I didn't. But she did. She knows that God has such a plan for my life and that satan is trying everything in his power to stop it. And duh, of course she's not going to let that happen on her watch (insert hand flip emoji)
What I'm saying is that whatever you're facing, keep pushing. God will carry you when you can't go any further. Cry if you need to. Yell if you need to. But understand that the feelings of unworthiness and of hate and hurt and condemnation are NOT from God. Period. That is all from the devil himself and he HAS been overcome. Guard your heart. Know that God can fulfill your soul in a way that no one else can. He can heal. He does heal. Yes, this is a tiring battle and you're so ready for this battle to be over and to be on the other side of the battle already. Trust me, I'm right there with ya. 7 months of this and I am just worn out. I don't like living like this. I don't like the feeling of being weak. I don't like crying. But these are the times when we need to press into God and His word even more. Focus on your strengths. Give your weaknesses to God and let Him fill those in with His strength. Figure out your weaknesses and change it. Example: Me. That stupid parking garage. I won't be parking there anymore. Not for church, not for dinner, not for games. No more. This may sound so silly but it's something that is so real. Satan knows my weakness is full of memories there and he uses those to make me feel unworthy and that a silly boy is the cause of that. NO. That boy has nothing to do with this anymore. (Like I mentioned before)-- I hope this is making sense. It makes sense in my mind. But we all know my mind is always in world of Megan land.
God is opening doors and He is closing doors. I have been given the chance to minister to a whole new group of people in my life. You can be sure that I will do whatever I need to do to make sure I fulfill that duty. God has entrusted that with me. I know that there will be healing with others and within myself...and I know this because God is in the center and all around it. He is our Healer.
I've had "Broken Vessels" by Hillsong on repeat since Sunday. Amazing. Go listen.
I want to leave you guys with a couple verses that I am clinging to, and I pray they bring something to you!
Psalm 139: 15-18
"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion as I was woven together inthe dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in YOUR book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Oh, How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. I can't even count them! They outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are STILL WITH ME."
And now the verse that I remind myself of 4298758times day. not even kidding. LOL
"But He knows where I am going. And when He tests me, I will come out as pure gold."
And to the one who was a HUGE part of this post...
Thank you for being one of the best friends I have ever had. Thank you for endless laughs with me. Thank you for praying for me and with me. For listening to me. For encouraging me and for cheering me on. God has handpicked and formed a friendship based around Him and it will last a lifetime and forever more. Plus, I wouldn't wanna take french fries from any Bammer with anyone else but you! Love love love.