without fear//

There I was 40 minutes later, in Auburn. Wearing my favorite under armour shorts and a XL rays t shirt. My makeup was pretty set in on my face from church that morning and my hair had its soft waves from the curls that morning. I can't do this. I don't know these people. What if they don't like me? This is going to be a waste of time because I'm just going to not even come back. My phone vibrated and it was K.. her exact texts were:
"you turning around and going home is letting your negativity and doubt win. Go to small group. Life was not made for us to go through alone Meg. Go in, be transparent, LET THEM LOVE YOU. Let them love you dang it. They are great"
SO..what did I do? I listened to her...as usual.  The next two and a half hours were nothing but refreshing. Here I was, with about 20 girls I have never laid eyes on or spoken to. Young women from all different walks of life. And all in different stages of life. But the one thing we all had in common was that we aren't alone. It was so comforting to hear that each girl was walking through a struggle. 

It made me feel less crazy and more normal. Whatever normal is. 

I left with a feeling of....well I'm not sure. I felt good. I felt like I wasn't sure what God's purpose was for me there but by the end of the night I knew there was a purpose

Fast forward 24 hours. As I'm dozing off in bed, K texted me again with a song to listen to. Then as we got to talking she shared somethings she had gotten from her small group that night and it was just what I needed. I'm so distracted with the idea that I do not deserve love.  That I'm not worthy of letting anyone love me. I put up barriers so that I won't be hurt. This is my way of thinking: letting someone love me leads to hurt. Right? No, WRONG. I try to "sabotage" every thing that comes my way because I don't think I deserve it. How heartbreaking is that? I mean really? That's probably more heartbreaking than most things. To see someone who doesn't think they are worthy of love.  

Out of this rises insecurities. Insecurities that you don't even know are there. Insecurities that I never even thought about. And it's scary because I'm such a confident person. I know who I am and what I deserve and what I want. But when I let my mind get to thinking and overthinking, that all is broken down and the thoughts of being undeserving arise. Maybe this comes from the sorry people from before who didn't know how to love others. 
 Please tell me I'm not the only one that this happens too.

It just blows my mind. It's like I fail to remember that God's love is perfect. And that perfect love casts out all fear. 
There is no fear in God's perfect love. 

I've made a decision to remind myself of this daily. I can't be afraid that I'm undeserving of love from anyone. I can't be afraid to let people into my life. I know I can't go through this life alone. And I also know that God's word says that I am so so so deserving of good. I am deserving of  friendships full of God's love. I am deserving of relationships that teach me and help me grow and make me happy and allow me to experience how to love and how to be loved.

 I am so deserving and worthy... As are you. 

I am so thankful for the people God has brought into my life in the last few days and in the last few months. I am being challenged and facing things that I have always avoided because I never knew how strong they would make me. And all the while, these people are still here. Little do they know how much that means to me. Thankful.

Whatever it is that you are fearful about, let the fear go and let God's love consume you. Consume you so fully and overflow with it. Fear isn't something we experience when we are truly experiencing God's love. 

So, here's to taking steps into the unknown of new beginnings without fear.

photo credits: Sarah McCallister 

1 comment:

  1. Yay! That's so exciting. Thanks for this post. I know you wrote it a few weeks ago, but I needed this today. :)