it's not all the same//

Here I sit. On my bed. Sun-burnt like crazy. And a heart full of words to get out. 

Over the years, I've been nothing but straight up honest on here with you guys..and I continue to do that. I don't sugarcoat things, I don't feel the need to write on certain topics. This is raw. Straight from my heart and what needs to be said. 

Last September I shared with you all about my battle with depression... 

(you can read that post here)

Shortly after that post was written I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. I just didn't want to become dependent on them and have to have them. I really saw how strong I was and I knew I wasn't facing the battle alone. So, here I am 9 months later and still off my anti-depressants. It's weird, I'll be honest. Some days I still wake up and go to take them and then remember I haven't had them in 9 months. I have definitely had my ups and downs, highs and lows. Moments of complete weakness and moments that were defining.  Majority of the days I am perfectly fine..and then I have some off days..which is okay.

Photo Credits: Sarah McCallister

Here lately I am trying to learn to control my emotions. I never had to deal with emotions or thoughts, because they were all numbed for many many months. 

The last mmm week or so I've had a lot of emotional days and stressful moments. I don't think that I've dealt with them the best way either. I did, however, find that being quiet and just processing what was said or processing the emotion really helps. I take my time thinking about things before responding. It may seem rude or odd but we all know I'm a thinker. An overthinker. 

Which brings me to this. 

I'm so afraid that by me still working on this and controlling my emotions and my stress is going to push people I care about away. I feel confident that I'm in a good spot and that they understand. But the fear is there. We get so used to people walking away and out of our lives that the only thought that creeps up when a bit of rockiness hits is that they are going to just walk away. Not every person is like the last. Not every person is going to quit and walk away when they see you in a struggle. The ones who truly care for you will stick through it with you. Encouraging you. They may not understand completely, and that's okay- but they try. And trying is an A+ in my book. 

BUT- you also can't let the struggle define you and your circumstances. You can't use it as an excuse constantly. It's no reason to be mean or hateful. No reason to be upset all the time. You need to cry? Then cry it out until you feel better. But don't bottle it up on in the inside and then drop it like a bomb on someone. Be honest and open. 

The last few days I have been super emotional. All the reasons why? I'm not entirely sure. But I do think it's because I'm just learning how to process emotions and feelings again. I'm learning that sometimes things do hurt. And if you're anything like me...having a big heart is an amazing thing. But, sometimes it can hurt. You want to help everyone and make sure everyone is happy. You feel emotion so much harder. You take things way more personal...and that's not our fault. That's just part of having a big heart. And it's all okay. 

My point of this post is this:

No matter what you're facing, remember- it doesn't define your circumstances. Struggle brings strength. The ones who care for you will stand by you and won't leave you. If you've got a big heart..GOOD. If you've got a big heart and you're a woman...well that's a double whammy because we women are emotional anyways. So it's like tripled emotion. 

You're past isn't the present or the future. Not everyone is the same. And not everyone is going to walk away. And definitely don't punish the ones in front of you because you're scared of the past repeating.

Remember how great life really is. It's so sweet. But it's so short. Don't let whatever you're facing get in the way of  life.

Press into God's word and just spend time with Him. 

This verse has been on repeat in my mind and heart all day long: 

"When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1:2-4