So, what do you do when you're just not your "normal" self? And by normal, I mean, the you that feels good. The you that has thoughts that add to the quality of your life. The you who doesn't live in constant fear. The you who can breathe.
For the past week, I have lived in constant fear. A constant fear that makes me sick. When a daily drive home took a turn for the worst, I also took a turn. I literally live in a constant fear full of anxiety. Someone leaves the house and I am overcome with anxiety. Me driving all the back roads avoiding the interstate to get where I am going, still full of anxiety. They say the odds of getting hit by an 18 wheeler again are slim to none...but tell that to the guy who was struck like 9 different times by lightening...(Yes, its in the Guinness book for 2015).
You see, I now have a feeling of what goes through someone's mind right before they die. After getting hit and my car spinning down the interstate, I looked up and all I could see was the concrete wall and I just knew that was it. I just knew it was about to happen. I was going to die. And the person on the other end of the phone was listening and would be haunted forever. But God...
But God stopped my car from hitting that wall. With just enough room between the car and the wall to squeeze out of the passenger door of my car. God had His angels and hands around me as that 18 wheeler was pushing me t-bone style down the interstate. God was directing my car as it was spinning through the
6: 25pm traffic on the interstate and cars where dodging me. God. God. God.
You guys. I'm not really sure I can find the words to tell you what my heart feels now...what my heart wants to say. I just can't find the words. I don't think the word Thankful even touches what I want to say. But thankful, I am.
I feel like mentally and emotionally I should be better by now. One week later. It shouldn't bother me to be behind the wheel. It shouldn't bother me to pass an 18 wheeler. It shouldn't bother me. But it terrifies me. Terrifies me. I can't breathe. My heart stops and then races uncontrollably. Tears stream without me even realizing it. Loud noises bring me to a halt. I stop breathing and start sweating.
Then I have to remind myself that I am okay. I am safe.
I feel like an annoyance to others. I feel like they think I am being dramatic. I want to say "well, you try being hit by an 18 wheeler twice, and then having it push you down the interstate and all you can see is the grill of the 18 wheeler, and then your car sliding down the side of the 18 wheeler, and then spinning across lanes of traffic and all you see is that a concrete wall is what is going to stop the car."...But, I would never ever want that for anyone...
The fact of the matter is, is that I am going to have to take my time. And by that, I don't mean months and months and years. I mean just some time. Some time to really grasp that I have to keep living life and having quality thoughts. I can't live in constant fear of it happening again. I can't keep not doing things I want to do because I am terrified of driving on the interstate. I mean, I could, but then I would only be making myself miserable and missing out on so much.
It occurred to me that night when I finally grasped what really happened, that God isn't done with me yet. I still have a purpose. I still have a path to walk out the plan that He has for my life. I am still breathing. I am not hurt. I am healthy. I am wanted. And I am loved.
I think many of us can relate to this. There is something in our lives that we are scared of. Something that we let hinder us. Life wasn't meant for us to live it like that.
Just remember that God isn't done with YOU yet.
HE has a plan for you.
Take your time healing. Take your time facing what you fear. There's not a timeline to be okay. The people who care and love you, will be there with you. They will understand and they will do what they can to encourage and help. I am so thankful I have people like that in my life. Patient, understanding, and loving.
God didn't bring you this far to abandon you.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. -Psalm 56:3